how do i make my mum see that i love him?

Question

Me and my Chap are both nearly 21 and we have been together on and off for 3 years. We had quite a hostile relationship to begin, and we used to argue alot. This would mean that i would end up going home to my Mums house in tears! and he gets jelous if i am talking to any other male friend that is not a mate of mine AND his! but i have got used to that now! Now that me and him are sorted and we are engaged she has totally shunned him out saying that 'he is no good for me' and that i deserve better! but i love him and we are both happy! I could understand her feeling like this if he beat me! she kicked me out and i have now got my own place with my best friend, she will come round and see me but only if she knows that he is not there! she has also turned my whole family against him, even my younger brothers!!
But my boyfriend doesnt want anything to do with her after everything that has been said so i cant even get them together to try and talk it out!! HELP PLEASE!!!

Answer 1

this sounds so familiar, ten years ago i met my hubby and my mum hated him, i ended up moving out the same as you have but 3 years into the relationship my mum died, she never got the chance to see that ten years on we are happy with children and all the people that said our relationship was no good have said how wrong they were about him. as long as your boyfriend treats you with respect and still lets you be your own person then follow your heart, sit your mum down (as i did) and tell her that although she doesn't like your boyfriend it is your life and you are happy, tell her that you love her but need to make your own decisions in life Even if she feels they are wrong for you, don't tryand push your boyfriend and mum together as this will cause resentment your mum needs time to come around in her own time, at the end of the day your mums seen you hurt by this man when you went home in tears she is only scared that he will hurt you and doesn't want to see that, she will come around in time, and there is room in your life for two waring people, just be patient don't try and force them into talking this will only push them apart let them do it in their own time and it will work out, my mum was just warming to my hubby when she died if she hadn't i believe she would have seen how good he treated me and loved him just as much as i do. you have to make your own desissions in life even if they are mistakes because your mum won't be there forever and somtimes you have to stand on your own two feet

Answer 2

Your Mother is focusing on your well being, she remembers the times when her daughter ran home crying to her. She is very worried that you are making a mistake with your boyfriend, Mum's worry, that's in their job description!

You must sit down and talk to your Mum, Are you sure that you are happy to be in a relationship where you will always have to be careful who you are talking to, if you talk to the wrong person, do you know it's always going to end up in a row? It doesn't sound like an ideal situation to me. If you are sure about this guy then you need your families support, tell your Mum you are happy and you want her to be happy for you, ask her to try and tolerate your boyfriend. In turn your boyfriend must do the same!!

Just because your boyfriend hasn;t beat you doesn't mean he's treating you well wither, I think you need to have a good think about whether you are truly happy. Love is blind, unfortunately.

Answer 3

Beating is not the only form of abuse. There is mental abuse, and it is not your Mum who turned your family against him, they can see the situation for themselves. What sort of relationship do you have if you cannot talk to anyone in case he gets into a strop?

I'm with your Mum on this, it must be tearing her apart to see you make such a huge mistake. What advice would give to a friend, or if you had a younger sister involved with such a person? Have a good think.

Answer 4

You must admit your mum has cause for concern. However, being a mum she obviously still has your interests at heart if she comes to see you. Your boyfriend's immature attitude is not helping. You admit the relationship was hostile, surely part of this if not all of it was his fault? If you have children of your own one day you will realise just how you wish to protect them as your mum has done. You can't get them together but time will prove whether he is really genuine and has changed his ways. He could attempt to write to your mum and old fashioned as it seems explain his intentions towards, you and state what he is going to do to redeem himself and give you a good life. I presume he has found work etc? I wouldn't expect her to respond to his communication but will give her food for thought and if he lives up to what he is saying with time she will probably change her opinion. She at present is still thinking ' A leopard cannot change it's spots'. Therefore it's up to your boyfriend to be a man and prove her wrong. Important thing is you must give it time.

Answer 5

Listen to your mother she knows best. Just by what you wrote shes got good reason not to like him. My mother said the same thing to me when I was dating this person I thought loved me. He turned out to be a real jerk. Had I only listened it would have saved me some heart ache. One should not have to argue with your mate. If you truly love each other you should be able to sit down and talk about what problems you are having in your relationship without either of you becoming offended.

Answer 6

Look at it from her perspective...

You're her daughter...
He has made you cry on numerous occasions
You dont say that hes changed, just that you've accepted it...
If you were my daughter I'd have reservations too...

Parents (though we hate to admit it) have experience on their side, they know what they're talking about...
My brother has a girlf..on-and-off etc over 4 years...He's always getting upset by her..and vice versa.. but their baby is now due in three weeks... We all wish (by we, I mean my family, not them) it wasnt happening cos we've had to pick up the pieces a thousand times already.....Its really hard for my mum to smile and say you're an adult, but shes slowly managing to put on a appropriate smile for them... Its hard to watch someone you love make mistakes when you know they could be prevented...Do you really think marriage is the way forward...????

You're very young still...21...is very young...no matter how old you feel inside...

You're man needs to accept he is the reason your mum is worried and he needs to talk to her and say hes sorry, hes matured etc etc.. If he cant do that...is he the man for you? He should be willing to do anything for you if he wants to marry you... My boyf would...

Answer 7

you may purely be your actual evil self in front of relatives. whilst you're a daughter, then you somewhat're Mum has seen the worst, whilst you're a son, then you somewhat're Dad has seen the worst. There are issues you tell your mom and dad that they are in a position to't share, and for this reason Mums love sons and Dads love daughters. If Dads knew what Mums knew (and any different way around) the international could implode(explode) for this reason. and for this reason it continuously would be

Answer 8

I am 21 as well! I can actually understand your mum! She is probably upset at the fact that as you said! You had to get used to talking to people both of you knew! You will lose all oyur own friends! She probably sees htis as the start of a whole line of problems he is going to have with you! Like what you wear, or not wanting you to go out unless its with him!
Im not saying that he is like this but this could be what is going through her mind!
As for getting them together! Try and convince them to go for dinner for your sake! Then get them talking!

Sorry I wasnt much help! Good luck!

Answer 9

He gets jealous if you talk to any male friend that is not a mate of both of yours? That is controlling behaviour. Sorry but it is. Your man is a controlling person who has already driven your mother away. My guess is that it will take him about 2 years to drive all of your friends away. He'll be subtle about it but soon, you won't even be able to talk to the male friends that are mates of both of yours, and then, your girlfriends who tell you they don't like him, will drift off one by one until you have noone in your life but him. Then he'll convince you that it's because there is something wrong with you and that's why you have no friends.
I'm really sorry, but I'm kind of with your Mom on this one.

Answer 10

Maybe he hasn't hit you, but jealousy, controlling behaviors, and verbal abuse can hurt just as badly and cause just as much emotional damage. No mother wants to see her daughter in a relationship like that. Your mother has seen the emotional effects this relationship has had on you, so why would she approve? If I were you, I would take what Mom is saying into consideration. Often times people on the outside of a relationship can see things that people on the inside cannot.