My wife of 15 years had an affair with someone we let into our house. Am I a fool to take her back?

Question

Thanks, RedQueen

Answer 1

Everyone makes mistakes, Giovanni. While I have never cheated, I have been on the receiving end and I understand how you feel.

Forgiving means being willing to let this become a thing of the past, trust her completely, and never mention her affair. Can you do this?

If so, then forgive and move on with your life. If not, then consider the next step(s) to be taken. Whatever your choice, I would not be hasty and I would take all the time necessary to reach a decision.

Some things, once you do them, can never be undone. You have just found this out. Good luck with your decision, and no, taking her back does not make you a fool.

(((((Giovanni)))))

Answer 2

Ahhh, YEAH.
I "forgave" my wife after an affair, we ended up getting a divorce later after years of making each other miserable, because I couldn't make love to her or see her talk to my friends without suspecting her or remembering.
No matter what my intentions were, I could not look at her without remembering the betrayal.
We spent 6 more years hating each other and being miserable for the good of our kids, the kids now have a better life and are happy, I am happy with my new wife, and she is still cheating and sleeping with anyone. In the three years since we broke up, the kids don't even know how many men she has had or how many more kids she will have( 2 so far).
Once she cheats, you can never forget.

Answer 3

You are not a fool. If you both want the marriage to work, it can. I know that it will be hard to not mention the situation again but that would be for the best. I believe that she wants to try to go on. There have been too many years passed to "start over" and it is not possible to "forget it happened". Do not press for any reasons why, because as a woman I can tell you that she is probably not even sure herself of the reasons. Love each other the best that you can and have a happy life. Though it may not seem like it, it is possible

Answer 4

I'm just giving an endorsement of Red Queen's answer. No you are not a fool to take her back, but the nature of the relationship and the trust that was lost has to be earned back over time. It won't happen right away, don't expect it to. But do forgive her and don't throw it back at her.

Don't mention it, don't bring it up in future arguments, just remind her that you loved her through all of her mistakes, and remind YOURSELF to do live up to that statement just the same. You'll get past it, if you both work on it. If she doesn't try to make things right and make efforts to ensure it doesn't happen again, then you can move on with a clear conscience. But use your best judgement, and give her a chance to fix it before you move on.

Answer 5

I don't agree with one of the answerers who said 'people don't change.' However, change has nothing to do with trust.

She may realize the error of her ways, and she may change. You may forgive her and decide to move forward with your relationship. But regardless, the level of trust you have with her will never be the same.

You may trust her to change and to move forward in a positive direction. But anytime something doesn't quite match up, or you call her cell and she doesn't answer, or you ask her where she's going and she hesitates for just a brief second, you're going to wonder, "Is she doing it again?"

Now, none of that is to say that there is no reconciliation to be had. I'm just saying that at some level, maybe even a tiny level in the very back recesses of your mind ... there will always be doubt.

That's what you have to ask yourself. Can you live with that whisper of doubt? Is your relationship ... moving forward ... worth the anguish of living with that subconscious lingering doubt?

If you have too much invested (kids, for example) in this relationship, then no ... you are not a fool to take her back. But if you take her back without knowing 100% what to expect from her and more importantly from yourself ... then yes, you're a fool.

Good luck ...

Answer 6

I honestly believe that if you two were married for 15 years, and this just recently happened and was the only time, you two could make it work. I think second chances are necessary for marriages, because in the end, everyone screws up. I know that when i was cheated on, i felt so angry that i didn't know what to do with myself, but when the tables were turned and i was the one who actually cheated, i felt horrible and would have done anything to erase what happened. Just take things slow and work out all your problems with her. There had to have been something not right between you two, so just work it out and see whether your marriage can be salvageable.

i hope things work out.

Answer 7

Oh man, this is a difficult one.

From my own experience, I've been a lousy partner, and been unfaithful to my girlfriend several times. She's always taken me back, but I don't know if she'll ever forgive me. It's hypocritical of me, but if the shoe were on the other foot, I know I would be absolutely devastated if she ever cheated on me.

Because of my position, my initial urge is to say yes, to take her back, because that's what my own guilt is comfortable with. Really, though, this is your decision, and one that you have to make on your own. I'm not the best example of the idea of forgiveness making for a trustworthy partner.

If you do take her back, don't ever let someone come stay with you again.

Answer 8

Going off the additional details in your other posting . . . you're not a fool for *wanting* to take her back or wondering if you should, but . . . you'd be a fool to actually do so.

The level of pre-planning you mentioned there suggests that, if not her first time to cheat, cheating has been on her mind a long, long time. That's the reality you have to accept.

Some breaks heal stronger, and our scars have the power to remind us the past is real and all that, but let's face it, male sexuality is more complex than we're generally given credit for it being---the memory of betrayal would always be there, and you would be climaxing in anger and resentment. And living with fear and mistrust and suspicion the rest of the time. If she were genuinely heartbroken over her affair, it might be different. It might heal, eventually. But not with things as they are.

Move fast, before she does. Make sure YOUR petition for divorce is the first one to reach a judge. It makes all the difference in the world . . . push for custody of your children, don't settle for less than 50/50, and work with a financial specialist to protect yourself from getting taken to the cleaners.

My heart goes out to you, bro. That's as rough as rough gets. But don't let grief prevent you from protecting yourself. This is NOT your fault. YOU are the injured party.

Seek justice, and vengeance.

Answer 9

Most likely - Yes. I don't know the whole story, but it will always be between you and unless you can truly forgive and forget (forget is the key word), I would call it a day.
Ask yourself "Can I ever really trust her again?" And when she says she's going over to her girlfriend's house will you believe her? If not, the relationship is over.
I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Answer 10

There are a lot of unknown questions...was this her first affair? Why did she have the affair? Does she feel sorry about it? I always said if my husband cheated i would leave him...it's just not that easy to do because of the life we have built together. I would need more answers. Does she love him? Trust you with your answer...