Muslims, Jews, and Christians.....?

Question

I put this question to the attention of Muslims, Jews, and Christians b/ we all believe in the same just God (i'm not looking for a debate on this. if you don't believe we worship the same God, then there are plenty of other questions...)

I've always been hit. Abuse has been a part of my life since i was a child. A friend of mine who studied psychology when i was younger told me that abused women will most likely be abused for their entire lives.... that they will likely always attract abusers. I didn't believe that. I believed that if you change who you are and improve yourself... that you will attract different people.

However, I converted to Islam three years ago and my life is completely different than before. I have different goals, i'm in the honors society at my college, i'm more modesty, confident, and happy...... but nothings changed. there's still a person in my life that uses me as a punching bag.

my question is, do you feel people who are abused as children will always be abused?

and if you do, do you think this is a thing of a just God? is it fair that a person should be guaranteed a rough life for having had a rough childhood?

Peace and Blessings,
Sakina

Answer 1

You're being tested, your will is being tested Sakina...

You were abused by many people in your childhood, now only one person.. Don't you feel there is a positive side of the story?

I hope this video addresses your question:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvmTd6AWTaM

You have my prayers for your Peace and Sakina "Tranquility" .

Answer 2

You have changed yourself for the better and that is something to be proud of. Do not stop now; keep growing and improving yourself.

You can change the type of person you are attracted to; it just takes time.
I used to be attracted to abusive and/or abused women (often called the healer complex). Initially they would find me attractive because I was "nice" and balanced.
It would not take long, though, before they would be unhappy with being treated well; they would berate me for being "unmanly" and not aggressive enough. Still not satisfied, they antagonize me and try and bait me into being abusive!

I will not date that kind of woman any more. Though I still like my women "spicy", I only date mature women who treat me well, and love me the way I am.

ADD: Non Jews, Christians, and Muslims have no problem seeing that you all worship the same god. It is only people within those religions that get so caught up in the denominational differences that they will kill over it. We are saddened by the violence of it.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear about your childhood and current situation. I think that there is a psychological component to abuse and that plays a role in the fact that many people are attracted to those that end up also abusing them. It may also be related to being drawn to what is familiar or comfortable as weird as it sounds to say an abusive relationship or person is more comfortable. It is not just a matter of who you attract but also who you are attracted to. You may subconsciously be drawn to people with similar personality profiles. I don't think that is a function of religion myself. I think you can break the cycle if you choose. Maybe see a counselor at your university or join a group dealing with recovering from abusive relationships. There is a book I found dealing with this if you want to check it out. Best wishes to you.

Answer 4

I think this belongs in the psychology section, so I don't really see why religion is such an issue in this question. God gave us our minds and knowledge to use...

I think any psychologist will tell you that you don't need to be ruled by your past. What is important is NOW and your future. If you've been abused in your past, it doesn't mean you'll always be abused. Take control of your life. Take the decision now never ever to allow anybody to abuse you again and stick to it.

To change your own mindset about this you can also seek professional help - from a psychologist.

Don't allow it! You can make the choice...

Answer 5

Salam,
Sister you should seek some counseling. I will tell you nothing has changed because you have not allowed it to change. Kinda like you get what you look for. Maybe you do not understand it but when you feel you deserve to be treated a certain way then you will allow it. No, not all children who are abused will grow up to be adults who are abused or abusers. Again seek counseling and the more you learn your deen the better it is.

I have worked with abused and battered men and women for years. Just know there are places which can help you and even support groups. Check in the phone book.

Answer 6

If you decide that you will not be abused anymore then you can change it. It is not easy but it has to come from inside you. No-one can abuse if you don't want them to. If you need to get away, find help from someone who will support you in stopping the cycle. Get out if you have to but it needs to stop.
Take charge of yourself. No-one deserves to be treated like that and you have to begin to understand that just because people have always done that to you doesn't make it OK. It is time for it to stop. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Answer 7

You are learning a great deal, and I'm glad it is helping you,

As to abuse, NO ONE should be abused, EVER.

Please get counseling. At your college, you can sign up for psychological counseling, which will help you spot the behaviors you display that 'attracts' abusers. Once you learn to spot these actions and attitudes, you can work on eliminating them so that you don't get involved with anyone who would even dream of hurting you.

Also, you can volunteer at an abused women's shelter, There, you can learn from the staff how to avoid abusers, and you can help other women do the same.

Good luck to you!

Answer 8

Dear Submission,

I am sorry to hear about your experiences in life. Not very pleasant ones, I must say. However, with this recent "abuser" in your life, I do not fully understand how and why you are being abused. Previously, you were young, you had no control over a lot of things and you did not understand a lot of things too. However, now you are grown up, a woman in control of her life, you have gone ahead and taken this big decision of converting to Islam which shows that you have a mind of your own, then how come someone is abusing you and in what way? I think you must raise your voice against it. Also, Islam does not forbid us to fight for our rights. On the contrary Islam very clearly defines each persons duties and rights and encourages people to stand up for their rights.

Tribulations come and go in our life. It is easy to say this but it is true nonetheless that we become stronger with each problem we have and with the faith of Islam you have, forebearance should be your forte. So don't lose hope, stand up for your rights', confront that person and pray to Allah to give you strength.

Answer 9

First of all don't believe that have a good opinion and leave that person if it comes to it. Or just stand up for yourself and don't accept, if people know that they can treat you badly they will, don't let these people or person get away with it, fight back, but don't go over the top. Defend yourself and make your point clearly. You can break this cycle you have to work at it and not let people treat you badly, don't let them get away with it because it will get worse.

Answer 10

Stand up on your feet. I see a fading personality through your words. You are the only person that can decide who you are and don't let others affect your perspective to life. You did not mention the nature of this person in your life, is he/she a family or a friend. If he/she is a parent, you know you should treat them good according to Islam but if he/she is a friend or even a brother of yours, that's a different story. Stand up for yourself and be the person you want to be

Answer 11

Try thinking of it the other way round. Women who are abused don't attract abusers, but rather they are attracted to abusers. Get away from this person as fast as possible. Oh and don't expect God to intervene cos he won't.