Should we and do we have the right to stop her calling?

Question

My stepson is 13 & lives with us. When he was 11 his mother phoned us out of the blue after denying us contact for 7 years to tell us she no longer wanted him (She alsomade this clear to him) We jumped at the chance & have spent 2 very difficult years helping him to settle in. She hasn't seen him since Oct 2 years ago when she had him for 2 days & let him down that Christmas after promising him he could stay with her the week. She also promised him PS2 etc but it never materialised. She doesn't send him Birthday cards or Christmas Cards & her phone calls to him are sporadic. She won't call for months then we'll have a spate of her calling almost everyday during which she makes him feel guilty about everything. Afterwards he is withdrawn, quiet & distressed. We've told him if he doesn't want to talk to her he doesn't have to but she seems to have some hold over him & seems scared of upsetting her. We've told him we'll support & protect him whatever he chooses. But should we make the dec

He knows that whatever he chooses is fine by us and we have stressed to him that the decision should be his and that we will not in anyway hold anything against him for maintaining contact with his mum. We never bad mouth her and have tried as gently as possible to explain to him that different people have different ways of parenting and although hers may differ from ours it's not our place to criticise her. Our biggest concern is his emotional welfare and whether allowing her to do this to him will affect him detrimentally in the long run?

Answer 1

He is grown up enough to make his own decision. I believe that he must miss his mother to take all the **** from her. But she will always be his mum. You are very supportive. All my respect to you to go all this way to help the boy. There are some people who does not even bother. If you can try to talk to him about everything that is happening and make sure he knows that you will be there for him whatever happens. Take him to counselling so he can speak to someone else other that the family who can give him proper advice as I do understand your situation as well. Try to make him engaged in sports or any recreational activities that will keep his mind active and himself busy.

Answer 2

Well, I think he does need to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to talk to her. He's young but this is primarily his issue and I think JUST old enough to make a decision like this. It's very unfortunate and it sounds like his mother is on drugs or maybe a drinker, but she's also teaching him a form of behavior that is not good. I won't go down the legal road of stopping her from calling, that's too confrontational IMO given the whole situation, but you can do a caller ID thing and not answer or not have him pick up if it's an unidentified number or her number, if he chooses not to talk to her. Unfortunately the ball I think is in his court and a tough choice at his age, but he may be better off not having contact with her.

Answer 3

Your stepson is already 13 years old. He has a right to talk to his mother when he wants. That decision should be left to him. Just make sure that he realizes that it is not his fault that his mother does not make the effort to call or visit regularly. Don't put her down, but say that not every parent can handle the day to day stress of life. Just say that maybe one day she will get some counseling to help her deal with her problems. Tell him that whatever ever he does, do not let her make him feel guilty for anything. She is the adult, and it is up to her to get the help she needs.

Answer 4

It has to come from him or she will never believe it. If he wants to stop all contact with her, then he has to tell her. If he is holding back because he's afraid of her, and or she has some hold on him, all you can do is be there for him. Assure him again and again that you and his dad are there for him. It's his mother and even though parents do awful things sometimes, children still love them deep down. My niece and nephew are going through this type of thing with their father and for some reason, my nephew, who is 13, still wants and needs his father. My niece on the other hand has gotten a back bone and she's basically gave her father what for and told him that he is no longer going to hurt her. I'm proud of her strength, but for those children who do not have the strength, or courage to stand up and make their parents aware of how they are making them feel, they are trapped and confused on what to feel. They don't know how to express those feelings. Just like my nephew. Your step son could very well be locking those feelings up, and he doesn't know how to release them right now. Keep talking to him about what he wants to do, and if he doesn't feel like talking, back off for a while, and then approach him again..in a different way. Make it clear to him that you are not making him choose sides, (because he may take it that way), and just be there for him. Let him know that what his mother is doing hurts you because it's hurting him. Keep letting him know that you love him. Even though he may not see it clearly yet, he will in time realize that his mother abandon him in many ways. And in turn he will realize that you love him and are there for him. Best wishes to you and your family.

Answer 5

This is similar to the situation that we are in. My bonus daughter is 16. When she was 13 she started going to her mother's much less. At first she just stopped the every other weekend and went over there on Wed. then she graduated to about every other wed, then once a month, then once every couple of months. She hasn't been to her mother's in over a year and hasn't seen her in almost 9 months. It's exactly for the same reasons. Her mother manipulates her, makes her feel guilty, complains about child support, cries on her shoulder about losing custody, talks bad about me and my husband...I could go on and on. We left her contact with her mother up to her and she eventually became strong enough to say "enough is enough" As your son gets older he will learn how to distance himself from his mom. Is he in counseling? Counseling was a wonderful outlet for our daughter. The counselor also helped give her the tools she needed to be strong. Your son may need help dealing with the feelings of guilt, and it's hard for you guys to help him without speaking badly of his mother. An unbiased third party can bring things to his attention that you guys really can't. Good luck!

Answer 6

no he may resent that in the end. you need to let him decide, his mother sounds very manipulative and selfish but she is still his mother. she tells him what he needs to hear to keep him believing she should be in his life. he will eventually realise by himself that she is not having a positive influence on him but at 13 he may not be ready to reach this idea. show him love and support in your home make him feel like he belongs with you and that it is not just a stop gap and don't be the one to make his mum the villain he loves her and will she you as the bad one.

Answer 7

you are very good supporters and well you should get his mom out of the pic because shes holding him back and he should not feel guilty because is shes there and she promises and doesnt do it it will depress him trust me my grandma did that to me I always thought I annoyed her when all I was doing was sitting there and promises promises then my gma asked me to go to the zoo I was there all by myself for seven hours no money nothing and I was stuckin the rain Then my mom moved far away from her and blocked her number so she couldnt hurt me anymore thats whay you should shes going to keep on hurting and hurting him iuntil he has a nervous breakdown et his mom out of your lives it will noly help shes just hurting him and trust me you dont want him to go through that it really hurts to have soeone do that to you especially your mom oh and if you let him decide hes going to choose her and shes going to hurt him over and over again