My man has a porno problem...?

Question

I recently walked in on my fiance' looking at porn. We had a conversation about this and he said "sometimes I just feel like looking at porn"...well of course I was pissed at his reactions! But he agreed that he wouldn't do it anymore, because it made me feel uncomfurtable. Well I had a feeling that he was lieing so I looked up our "resently changed" files on the computer & of course my hunch was true! He had downloaded atleast 14 MORE pornos sence we had our little talk the other day. So my ? is to you girls...do you think he should respect me by stopping this crap or what? He shouldn't have agreed to not doing it anymore if he was going to do it again right? I'm totally outraged about this and I need some advise because this is the first time I have had to deal with something like this. Guys your opinions are welcomed too, but please NO SMART A.S.S.E.S!!!

I appoligize to everyone for not giving as much detail as needed. Obviosly that was a big mistake...We have a child together,live together, & I'm not at all insecure about myself. I'm not trying 2 be his "mommy" or control him, trust me thats the last thing I want 2 do! And as for the statment made by KANESELO, his computer is my business because ITS MINE! I use it for work. And I don't want or need this kind of B.S. on my computer or better yet, in my home. As I stated before, we have a child together & this kind of crap should be left in high school. I don't want my son 2 be around someone like this (even though he is his father). So NO I'm not the one with the prob! Its the ones out there that think this stupid shyt is OK are the ones that have the prob. Anymore smart a.s.s.e.s out there wanna take a wake at this??? Be my guest...

Answer 1

Call him out on it and put your foot down..that's what I did and it has worked well. We now view porn together occasionally. It's like a reward for him being good and not watching it. One thing is for sure, you don't HAVE to accept this from him, so don't listen to all of these people. If a man can't stop himself from looking at porn behind your back, then he has an addiction issue that needs to be addressed. This is not just given behavior for a man. You are entitled to your feelings on this subject, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Answer 2

Obviously you feel very strongly about this, and your fiance should not have lied to you. However, you now know that this is a part of who he is... so you can accept this about him, or dump him for a guy who shares the same values.

Regardless of what you eventually decide, I can tell you two things with near certainty:

1) His watching porn is not a reflection upon you, the relationship, or your level of attractiveness to him. Guys just like seeing women's bodies, nothing more or less. It's a bit like girls who like seeing guys displaying noble character traits-- you wouldn't blow a fuse over someone's wife reading a romance novel, right? Well, this is the equivalent for guys.

2) When guys keep seeking out porn (aside from the physical satisfaction part), it's usually because there was some other emotional trauma he went through. If you are playing the role of the cyber-gestapo, that is *not* going to improve the situation, or make him feel more attracted to you.

If you ease up on him a bit, and try to set aside your insecurities, he might explain where he is coming from emotionally, and what past disappointments he experienced. That may not change your feelings towards pornography, but it will give you a different perspective, and it should make both of you more comfortable with each other (if not happier). Then, you can share why it makes you uncomfortable, and hopefully work towards a mutually satisfying compromise.

Good luck.

EDIT: Even if it is everyone else who has "the problem," simple reflection will reveal that your ability to change them is limited, compared with your ability to change yourself. As you change, others will necessarily change in response. This is purely a practical solution; *not* a smart a.s.s. reply. Do as you will, though.

You could always try a compromise, where he keeps the porn on separate disks, which are locked up where your son can't access them.

Answer 3

1. It's not a problem if you are just now catching him. If he watches it 24 hours a day, there's a problem.

2. What do you mean "well of course I was pissed" why would you be mad? Don't push your insecurities off as his responsibility. There's nothing wrong with it.

3. Of course he told you what you wanted to hear so you'd quit yelling at him and throwing your little tantrum.

4. Now he has to hide it from you instead of sharing it with you which is not a good way to be in a relationship.

5. It's not him disrespecting you, it's you disrespecting his needs. You cannot force your morals or beliefs onto him. You either love him for who he is and accept everything about him, or you go find another guy to try to dominate.

6. You need to go to therapy and figure out what deficiencies in your personality are making you feel like you have to have a fit over something as silly as porn.

Answer 4

OK his your fiance your getting married, he must love you and be attracted to you. I am guessing he is not addicted to the stuff as most men are not. I am a woman and I watch porn, dose not meen i have a problem. We are all sexual creatures at the end of the day. My last BF was the best you could possibly ever wish for in bed, yet I'd still watch porn. it dose not meen there is an issue in your relationship.
Compromise watch it together, relax have a bit of fun. Is that not better than the stress this is causing in your relationship now.

Answer 5

Porn can be very addicting and once it's in the mind it does not go away like drugs and alcohol which eventually go out of your system. If he is already heavily into porn then it may be difficult to keep him away from it. I happen to believe that is is harmful to relationships and I don't encourage my husband to look at this stuff. Especially since we have a little girl and another on the way. I don't want this stuff anywhere near them. There is no easy answer to your question. You can get mad all you want but he is gonna do it if he wants to.

I did find my husband was looking at this early in our relationship and I flipped out. I started hitting him and asking him if he thought I was that monstrous that he had to look at naked b*tches etc. I totally lost it. Well now I guess I'm older and I think it's just a natural thing for men to want to look but alot of them don't know when enough is enough. Don't take it personal but keep in mind, if you have to babysit what he is looking at constantly, you are gonna drive yourself crazy.

Answer 6

I'm a guy. Porn in a relationship, that isn't mutually viewed and accepted, is a problem. A small problem, but a problem, nonetheless. As stupid as this is going to sound...he lied so you wouldn't get mad at him. You didn't trust him, and he got busted for it. There's no "easy" way to tell your partner... "I'd like to experiment more, sexually", without one or the other feeling a little inadequate.
In my honest opinion, he's relieving sexual frustration by watching porn. And, yes, he should've respected your request (not demand), but also should've justified it....and you should listen. Communication, just after trust, is what makes relationships go smoother.

Answer 7

Pornogorphy is not that big of a deal in my opinion. Sometimes a guy just has a urge to...well...you know. Sometimes a mans partner just isnt in the mood or is away, so how else is he going to supply his needs? I wouldnt worry about it, just ask him not to do it when you are around. I am sure you mean a lot more to him then some silly pornos though.

Answer 8

guy in a committed, stay-in relationship and a growing to be medium distance relationship (i'm polyamorous) i visit visual reveal unit once I rather have the time, yet infrequently have a great gamble for countless minutes at a time. healthful because of the fact that's no longer a replace to bearing on with my companions. I usually used it to assist "take off the sting" whilst my companion and that i could no longer social gathering as usually as i could have cherished. i've got extensively utilized it as a manner of venting off rigidity from my on a regular basis life--greater advantageous than alcohol or drugs! ;-) i'd desire to very properly be getting into the section the place the porn isn't particularly so exciting as till now. this would be as a results of advancements in my relationships. My regular companion will watch with me often times and now and then she'll pull out one among her favourite video clips whilst she's by herself. She has reported to me that how the guy makes use of porn could make a international of distinction. people who concentration on a particular variety, like those concerning women folk who're as far from her as one can be, tend to be slightly greater no longer common to be comfy with. My secondary companion and that i've got no longer watched jointly, yet she had to understand what web content i chanced on exciting and how plenty issues I cherished. She likes particular kinds now and back besides.

Answer 9

Well you are not alone gal. I have gone through that too. Still have no answer. I don't wnt to hurt his feelings that's why I never interogate him. I did mention and ask him that he likes it too much. He will just reply all men like it. So i just have to beleive it's natural for some men. i have to deal with it. I trust he didn't do more than that & I'm ok with it. So I think you can never stop it gal. Don't make him promised as it will sour your relationship. Just keep an eye what he looks at once awhile. You'll be alright.

Answer 10

This scene has been repeated a million times the world over in relationships.
Men go brain dead with porn.
I don't think there's a cure.

If it's going to bother you a lot, if you think it's disrespectful, then have a few more conversations and see if the two of you don't come to agreement. Otherwise, don't marry him if it drives you crazy because he's not going to change just because he's married.