Asperger's Syndrome?

Question

Asperger's Syndrome, I have it. To me it means my reality crosses with this one somewhat fleetingly. Social conflicts abound, looking too closely at people, commenting on differences and conversations;

"you've changed your hair!" -
[common perception: well I have, but why did you notice? are you stalking me? etc]
"How are you?" "Fine!" "Really? 'cos you look like sh*t!"
[common perception: Not honest but just plain rude!]
**as an aside, I feel like having a T-shirt made up that says "If you didn't want to know, why'd you ask?" for when the roles are reversed**
Jewellery, especially Celtic or even just involving knots, I can stare at it for ages, just following the threads -
[common perception: If he doesn't stop staring at my t*ts I'll call the cops]

The list goes ever onward :-(

Comment from the movie 'Mozart & the Whale' goes "people with Asperger's crave social contact, we're just really crap at it!" and as far as I go, I have to agree with it.

How do others deal with this?

Hi Veggie, the hair was just an example. I've said things like "you've changed your hair", "you're looking well", "nice tie" and others, to known people and people I used to see around the campus (It eventually got back to me that I should 'cease and desist' as it was 'too weird'). I understand that my Grandmother used to start up conversations with people while standing in line or waiting for a bus, perhaps today is just the wrong time to talk to people or male is the wrong gender.

Answer 1

My friend's son also has Asberger's Syndrome. She has found help in dealing with things by getting involved in a support group. Maybe you could find help there, too. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I was diagnosed in '96, and stopped taking meds for it in '04 (I was 14 at that point). My rule of thumb is: when in doubt, remain silent. That, combined with the higher IQ that Asperger's gives me, has let me earn the respect of the people around me. Eventually, you learn to function in what at least looks like a fairly normal way, and it helps if you find people willing to get to know someone who's different. In my case, people began to realize that I could usually answer any school-related question they might have, and the people I spent the most time around were all social mavericks themselves.

People will laugh at you on occasion. They will shy away from you. Shrug it off; it's the way they are, and there's no sense beating yourself up for what they don't understand. This is something I wrote not too long ago:

I've stood tall all my life
In good times and in bad
Responsible for all the things I've done
I know I’m hardly perfect
But then, no one really is.
My strengths and flaws have made me who I am
My pride in who I’ve been
Defines who I will be
Unconquered by the world, I will stand tall.

Physically I’m weak
I don’t work out every day
I can’t lift two hundred pounds like some I know
The world can’t seem to see
The strength I have inside
To cast off doubt and meet uncertain times
To stand for what is right
All too often is not done
But for the sake of all that’s good, I will stand strong

When life is less than kind
Many just give in
When the race seems all but lost they cease to run
How rare it is to find
Someone who’ll stay the course
Who’ll persevere and never compromise
Not knowing what’s in store
Still I must always try
In darkness and in light, I will stand true.

If life’s a game of cards
There’s all kinds of games to choose
But it’s a hand of solitaire before me now
Like the white wolf in the woods
I’ll never quite fit in
Mankind is something I can’t understand
Accepted I may be
But though I may have friends
Till the day death calls me home, I stand alone.

EDIT: n4mwd, it's not proven that Asperger's is hereditary. My dad certainly doesn't have it, and as far as I know, no other member of my family has it. It was first discovered in 1944, but serious research didn't begin until about eleven years ago, and it wasn't even an official disorder until four years before that. All we really know is that it MIGHT be a random genetic problem, OR it might be a result of environmental contamination before birth (my mother lived near a small lake that was later found to contain a leak from a chemical plant) OR it might be a combination of the two or even something completely different.

Answer 3

"How do others deal with this? "
I had a formal diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome three years ago, at the age of 48, so I've had to negotiate this strange world with very little advice or help. Not my strange world, the illogical strange world of the majority who, because they are the majority, usually get to make the rules.

One route to survival was basicially to treat various social settings as a boardgame. There are rules, they needn't make sense, they just happen to be the rules of the game.
If you want to play the game, you'll pretty much need to follow the rules.
Example:
"How are you?, fine, and you?, fine" is not what it appears to be, and replying with a list of illnesses is incorrect.
In Star Trek terms, it's little more than "Hailing frequencies open." A convention, a signal.
Not liking lying, even social lying,(an AS trait in some people)
I developed and on bad days use "Bits of me are excellent" as a reply, which tends to go down OK and be taken as humourous, though a little unexpected.

On "people with Asperger's crave social contact, we're just really crap at it!"
I think I've grown out of that. I can "do" "social", but increasingly I'm not sure I see it as necessary.
And certainly, to disagree with , I
do not see the majority view as "Right" and non-conformity as "Wrong" as a given.
Sometimes I have to conform, but that doesn't make it "Right"
except in some limited shorthand sense.
Why should I wear an Armani suit to impress the sort of people who are impressed by the wearing of an Armani suit?
(well, if it's a job interview, it might be a good idea. But that they're impressed by fashion doesn't impress ME)

When younger, I did more crave social contact. But I think that was largely because I'd observed that most pople appeared to be happier in groups, and I too wanted to be happier. To a degree, a false generalisation.
And there was a social pressure, expectation, to join in, as well. Loners are not well regarded, or treated, on the whole.

For a classic example of "Normal" being seen as "Right" when with any logical thought it isn't, see the URL below.
The paragraph after "The world in pieces".
Should you laugh or cry?

Answer 4

I agree with you totally: Us neurotypicals sure have some strange unwritten rules of social interaction and communication. we keep saying things we don't mean or keep asking opinions we do not want to hear.

I see my son ( 12 years old) with Asperger dealing with it every day. As his mother I always emphasize his strong points like his great memory and his high IQ. He has a sense of humor and can be really funny to be arround with. I am so proud of all the things he has acomplished in life. He has learned to show empathy with others and is able to check first if what he is telling somebody is actually nice to hear. ( if not he won't say it)

I am sure there are lots of positive things to look at rather then the negative. You must have strong points and I urge you to emphasize those. You guys are so capable of learning so much. please hang in there, even if it must be hard on you! You are so worth it and will learn these unwritten rules in an intellectual way rather then intuitively. Give yourself a break, take some time to learn and ask for help. Find people you trust to talk to and maybe practise these uncomfortable situations through role play. It sometimes means you will prevent yourself from giving comments.

I know you can do it!
good luck
Dutch

Answer 5

Hi there! I have Asperger's Syndrome too. I always get in trouble for looking at the chest level. I just see a pattern or words there and can't stop staring. I have somewhat better social skills than when I was dx'ed at 14. (I'm 19 now) I even go to Church and socialize. I studyed body language books and talked a lot to other Aspies online at different sites about everyday stuff. If you ever just want to vent, go ahead and e-mail me, I don't mind.

Answer 6

I have asperger's to and my brother has autism so i know what its like to to deal with it. Go to doctors like 3 out of 5 days of the week, get made fun of at school and beat up but i keep going b/c i know god would want me to. Thats my biological dad left me when i was 1 month old and i didnt have a dad till i was 4 years old then my mom got remarried to a different guy then 2 days later he adopted me thats how loving he is. So if anyone has autism or asperger's and says i cant take it anymore i wish i was dead read my story right here and then think if u want to say that again.

Answer 7

I suspect I have Asperger's as well--sucks, doesn't it, but it sure explains a lot. The Internet is an absolute treasure for me, but I do try to moderate my behavior in public. I'm also interested in intricate designs and can stare as well (luckily never at anyone else's chest). After years and years of being socially awkward, I'm finally realizing what my problem will be.

Now, I just need to get help.

Now, with you, when you tell someone she's changed her hair, why do you think she might get stalker vibes from you. Or do you feel weird when someone says that to you?

Answer 8

I only have a minute now but I will try to come back later. I just want to say to you guys with Asperger's that there is a great website called something like wrongplanet.com- I should have checked it before writing and now I am in a rush- but this website is awesome. It's for people with Asperger's and HFA- what I have seen of it seems to be appropriate for high school age and up. It's very funny and very supportive. The second thing is that there are great groups out there for Asperger's/HFA of various ages so you can meet others who know EXACTLY what you are staring at. The third thing I want to say is that there is this great book-type thing on the autism section of about.com. Last holiday season people were invited to write something special about the people they love with ASD. Lots of parents writing about their kids of course, but there was a girl in college, I think, who wrote about her boyfriend with Asperger's- that he was the most amazing b-f she'd ever had! He was honest, loyal, loving, supportive, on time, respectful...she went on and on raving about why his ASD made him superior to all of the other guys she had dated in the past.

I just wrote my first question on here about the stupid ignorant questions people have been writing about where autism comes from- a bunch of parents on my autism listservs were complaining about the moronic questions so I had to open my big mouth. There is a straight line of Asperger's/HFA in my family, all women, from my grandmother (really kicking at age 92 and could whip your butt at anything involving language)
down to my 6 year old daughter who is brilliant and witty (and of course magnificent.) The rest of us are neurotypical, sort of...you can see many with ASD traits but not quite making the spectrum! Anyway- gotta run!

Answer 9

I'm a special need worker, and I work with a girl who either is high-functioning Autistic or has Asperger's Syndrome, depending on which doctor she's seeing. The only reason I work with her is because she has the same social point of view as you do. I've worked with her for over 5 years, and I consider her a close friend. When I first started working with her, we decided that the things she does socially fall into one of two categories: Right things that she doesn't do, and Wrong things that she does do. So an example of a Right thing that she wouldn't do would be small talk (which she wasn't very practiced in), and an example of a Wrong thing would be something rude, like discussing her menstrual cycle in public. Generally, if she says a 'wrong' thing, I would quietly tell her that "that's not something we discuss in public, but if you want to tell me we can talk about it later." It's not as easy to practice the 'right' things, because if she was in practice, she wouldn't need me, so I did many different things, such as including her in my conversations, so that she could see 'small talk' in action, and talk with her myself, so that she had someone she felt comfortable with to practice on. So now, 5 years later, she chatters on non-stop, and she's pretty good at it. Any social mistakes she makes are forgiven because she seems sweet and innocent to everyone she meets, partly because of the Asperger's, and partly because that's just her nature. So if you're 'really crap' at social contact, the best thing for you to do would be to practice. Also, to reference one of your examples, if you make a social 'mistake' you could just explain it to the person: if I was wearing a necklace you liked and you were staring at it and you thought I was upset, you could say 'Sorry, I didn't mean to stare, I was looking at your necklace, it's really pretty' or something like that. That lets people know what's really going on in your head, so they know you're not just randomly being rude.

Answer 10

My little brother also has Asperger's but he has never really figured out a good way to deal with it.

Good luck to you.