How do I deal with my mother when she denies what occured when I was young?

Question

My mother married a man when I was three that was extremely abusive towards me, they divorced when I was 12. I am now 22 and still feeling still extremely hurt and sad. My mother denies much of what happened when I was young. I have tried to forgive her for what happened. But I find myself unable to forgive her every time I see her I feel sad, and worthless. I do not know how fix this. I have tried to talk to her and tell her how I feel and she gets very angry and says nothing happened and won't talk to me for months. I have younger brothers and I don't want to be kept away from them, but it is also killing me going to her house and pretending everything okay. I don't know how to find closure and finally feel peace. They only family I have is my mother and brothers and I don't want to lose them, but seeing my mother makes me feel worthless. Please help.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have been through a lot. You did get through it though, didn't you. You made it. You are alive and it sounds like, making it on your own. If so you have a lot to be proud of! You are not living off a man and putting up with his guff. You have escaped that life style and it never need bother you again.

But you are still hurting from the past, and so is your mother. I wonder if you have ever been with a man who scared you. Fear can make a person allow things they would never allow otherwise. I can only imagine the guilt and pain your mother feels when reminded of it. It is probably too much for her to take, and for her to apologize for it would be an admission of guilt. It sounds like she is not up for that.

So are you up to letting the past go? Just cutting the memories of your past away, and letting them all go, like so many hellium balloons? Unlike balloons they are holding you down, and back from the happiness you deserve. Forgiving your mother is a great start. If you can let it go, some day she will have the courage to express her utter sorrow at what happened to you. You don't have to forget. Just let it go. It's does not need to define you any more.
Good luck.

Answer 2

Baby, this is a tough situation, I know that you feel bad, about what has happen to you. But the only way you can heal is by accepting what has happen, and go in try to get some counseling if you still can not handle the problem. Something in life, we try very hard to forget what has happen, and we denial because we know it happen. Your mother should have been there for you, but she was not, let me ask you this were your mother abusive herself. That another way of looking at the problem, maybe the same thing happen to her like it did you. But try to work with your mother on this, you only have one mom and try your best to built your relationship. May be you should ask her to go in sit in with you on some of these counseling. Then both of you will be able to deal with them together. A mother love is very special, and you learn from your mistake if you take the time to here both side, with out the angry. It sound like you still want a relationship with her, no matter how it make you feel worthless, you are not worthless because you are special in God eyes. Believe in your self and ask God for direction.

Answer 3

Well, I grew to be a guardian as a young person, whilst I had my son. Later in existence (thirteen years later, to be certain) we followed 2 youngsters, so I grew to be a mom once more, at an older age. According to my stories, here is how I see the professionals and cons: Young moms have extra power (it is a gigantic one), additionally, I can hook up with my teenage son very good for the reason that we shouldn't have 20-30 years of generational change among us. Issues which are primary to young adults now, had been additionally primary whilst I used to be a young person. Young moms is probably not financially cozy. This does not have an impact on parental love, or the potential to be a well guardian, however arising brief at the per 30 days expenditures results in plenty of pressure. Also, younger moms won't have the emotional adulthood to rather placed a little one's demands earlier than their possess. Older moms have extra existence revel in and (confidently) the knowledge that is going along side that. They are in most cases extra financially cozy and shouldn't have that further pressure. However, older mothers shouldn't have that run round all day power that their more youthful opposite numbers do. Sometimes a plentiful generational change can result in communications breakdown if young adults bear in mind their moms and dads to be dinosaurs that simply do not appreciate.

Answer 4

Sugar,
I am so sorry for your hurt. When I was 14( which was along time ago) I found out by accident that my father was not my real father and all I could say was "That's why he hates me" It took me years to not hate him but while I hated him I was hurting myself. And my mother allowed all that happened to me and even now will not "hear" me when I try to talk to her about it. Over time the pain gets less, the memories stay tho. You will get to a point that you don't hate your step father ...you just won't have any feelings for him one way or another. As far as your mama..darling I still have problems when I see her, reminding me that she didn't love me enough to stop the torment but like you I needed my family, brothers and sisters. I still see her but on my terms. You need to find it in your heart to accept the fact of what things are like. If you don't it will hurt you alot more than her because she denies it..so she has no pain like you. Please get therapy. If you can't afford it go to your nearest county mental health department and they will help you. That's what I did and it DID help..God bless you. You are walking the path I have already been on..

Answer 5

I don't think you'll ever be able to live peacefully unless this problem is solved. Your mom probably knows that your step-dad was abusive towards you, and now she's just too ashamed to admit it because she's guilty of not doing anything sooner. You should go to family counselling with her, and try to focus on your younger brothers. You may be mad at your mom, but there's no reason for you to not love your brothers. Don't feel worthless, because you're extremely brave and it takes a lot of courage to talk to your mom about something this deep and hurtful.

Answer 6

This happens quite a bit. Your mother doesn't want to realize as an adult that she has made bad choices for herself and children from previous relationships. It really is not her fault, she did not have a clue, she was in love with the guy. She was probably abused more than you not only mentally but physically and sexually too. You have seen these girls on TV, he beats me all the time but I LOVE HIM. And you are thinking she is crazy. This was your mom. I suggest to make new good memories with your mom. Find something you enjoy together. Good Luck and just remember God made us all unique for a reason. You are not worthless.

Answer 7

I doubt she'd want to face what you could give her which is a disappeared you. You have every right to start yelling at her and telling her that she should have been there to protect you and not try to cover up what happened to you by denying it . i told my mother what happened to me and my mother then tried to protect me, you are not worthless you are a much more beautiful person than she is right now because you realize that it is a wrong thing to do. There are so many women that would love to have a daughter and she is an ingrate.and grandchildren or more of her own she don't deserve

Answer 8

You could not control what happened early in your life and you cannot control what you mother takes responsibilty for now. Even though it is hard for you to forget and to forgive that is what you need to do to heal and to find closure in this situtation that haunts you. You can choose a happy life or one of misery. You have your brothers and mom in life and until you marry and cling to your husband you work with what you have. Each day is a new beginning and why waste the days away with bad thoughts. Get involved with your brothers life and do things with them. Life is short.

Answer 9

you need counseling to get over this. Your mother is obviously not able to help you deal with this. She may be going through abuse issues herself and can't face reality. However, continuing to be angry with your mother is not helping any of you. You are allowing that mans abuse to continue, because his actions are separating you from the people you love. Love your mom and brother, let the love you guys have for each other help heal you. Forgive, don't forget, allow more time for your mother and you to heal.

Answer 10

I'm sure she's probably feeling guilty for allowing this to go on for so many years and therefore finds it hard to talk about. Write her a letter, telling her that you love her and you forgive her for letting that man hurt you for so many years. Explain to her that in order for you to heal, you need to talk about it so you can move on with your life. Tell her how thankful you are that she finally got the courage to leave this abusive man and that you are proud of her.