How do we announce an engagement... when it's not really an engagement?

Question

I've been with my partner for 3 years now, and we've recently been discussing the whole business of marriage. Neither of us are keen on it, and would prefer a low-key commitment ceremony instead. He's been shopping for a ring that I will wear as an 'engagement ring', but will be more of a commitment promise ring.

My dilemma - how would I announce it? I'm just as excited as anyone getting engaged, and I'll be wearing the ring on my right ring finger, I just want people to understand that this is still a very special moment for the boy and I - even when marriage will never be a part of it.

So how do I announce the engagement that really isn't...?

I probably should have explained - it's a hetero relationship

This IS an engagement to us. We don't want to get married, but we want people to appreciate that we love each other, and are committed to each other. Our commitment ceremony will be our wedding, so yes, I do feel that there is something to announce.

Another thing - I'm not talking newspaper announcements, just telling people. I want to be showing off the rock and doing the girlie thing, but I still need to think of a way to explain it!
And I really don't need advice on the difference between marriage and commitment ceremonies - we HAVE thought about it, and feel this is the best decision for us.

Answer 1

First I totally get where you are coming from. I love my b/f and I do want to marry him but I'm not really big on the idea of marriage as a whole. I think it is a socially imposed way of living that is not necessarily the "best" lifestyle for everyone. I don't think 20somethings should be pressured into getting married just because they have been with someone for awhile and they are at the 'right age'. But society looks down on people who do not conform and society is set up for couples so I also recommend that you consider a civil ceremony for tax purposes and insurance,etc.

All that being said. I would send a formal card so that people understand the significance of this moment in your lives. If you go too casual people will not take it seriously.
Don't feel pressured to define your lives in one little card. Just say "Boy and I are so happily in love and we would like to share our joy with all the people in our lives that have brought us to this point. Please join us in celebrating our commitment to each other." (obviously you will personalize it in your own words). Just never use engagement or marriage but emphasize commitment and love. Those are the 2 important parts of a marriage anyway. Hopefully those that love you will understand your choice.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

Answer 2

since you have already said how low-key you want to keep this, think casual.

Perhaps you could write notes or print very simple cards to say,

Dear friends,
[the boy's name] and I would like to share our happiness with you. We've decided that we'd love nothing more than to spend our whole lives together, and to have a ceremony to make it official. We're both really excited about this next step in our lives and it onlly seemed fitting that we spread the word.
We'll keep you updated on our plans and hope you'll be able to be involved.
Love, you and the boy

Of course modify it to suit your feelings/needs etc.

If you want to make it a touch more causal you could say,

You know [the boy] and I aren't the most traditional sort, so we'll be having a small commitment ceremony sometime down the road. We plan to keep it low-key but want to make sure we involve our family and close friends in this symbolic day. We hope you'll keep us in mind as the autumn (or whenever you'll have your ceremony) nears.

I hate to say it but it sounds to me like you might be a little more keen on marriage than him. I'm not saying you are, I may be off the mark entirely. But if that is the case, perhaps you could weave traditional into your non-traditional day. find a nice white outfit or include a family tradition in the ceremony.

as for the traditional stuff and how to deal with it. I've been to a lot of commitment ceremonies that were between two people of the same gender (I don't know if you're a guy or a girl from your question, so I don't know which way yours is). But, these beautiful, if not official, ceremonies ran the gamut of what makes the day special. Most people had an attendant, one couple included a tree planting in their day (and gave small starter trees in tubes as favors), another just turned it into a big BBQ party where there was a breif exchanging of vows (in front of a friend who had become clergy of some sort online) before the dinner buffet was opened.

The announcement will set the tone, so think ahead a little. I think, depending on how many people you want to announce it to, a handwritten note would be so nice. If you prefer to do it in person, you'll have to turn what you would have written into a little speech that explains it right off the bat or you'll have everyone using "wedding" language.

All my best to you and congratulations!

Answer 3

The engagement ring usually goes on the ring finger on your left hand - the same finger the wedding band goes on. If you're going to have a small commitment ceremony then you should wait until after the ceremony to announce anything. You can still tell your family and friends that you're engaged and excited about your ceremony - but if you want to keep things small then you don't want to make anyone feel left out if they aren't invited.

Answer 4

An engagement is a promise to get married, since you are not getting married it is not an engagement.

That is not to downplay your excitment, I would just let everyone know it is a promise ring and you will be having a commitment ceremony.

Although I would really reccomend you get married in a civil ceremony, because if anything were to ever happen to one of you there could be a lot of legal issues with your property and any assets. Also buying a house is a nightmare of excess paperwork when youa re not legally married. Not to mention the difficulty you would have if you ever had children.

Just some things to think about. Good luck!

Answer 5

I would announce it just like any other engagement. You are promising yourselves to each other, I don't think it matters that there will not be a religious marriage, just the fact that you are both making this promise to each other is something to announce and celebrate. And you will probably be announcing this to friends and family that know you both pretty well, so I don't think any explanation is necessary. Good Luck and Congrats!!

Answer 6

Engagements are usually announced only in the newspaper, you don't send out announcements. People get married because they want their loved ones protected. People living together have no legal rights. If one person dies, their estate does not go to their partner, it goes to their family. Also, the body doesn't go to their partner and the partner has no say what goes on with the funeral. Wanting to protect the one you love is what marriage is about.

Answer 7

Well, calling it an "engagement" is misleading - engagement doesn't simply mean "commitment", it specifically means "pledged to be married". You should probably word it in a way similar to what the first person who answered this question suggested - announcing your life-long commitment to each other, but avoiding using words with very specific meaning, like "engagement" or "marriage".

Answer 8

You can always send out announcement like from cards stating that you are engaged. But if you want to make it less formal and more personal I would just call closest friends and families.

Answer 9

If it's not an engagement, then there is nothing to announce. A couple announces an engagement when they are engaged, planning to be married, and they set a date for the wedding.

Answer 10

im wearing a commitment "engagement" ring too
we just had a small party.
i still get asked when the wedding is, even though there is no imediate wedding plans