Am I too obsessed?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and living together for just about a year... I love him and I know he loves me and occasionally one of us will mention getting married. He wants to move north and buy a house. The thing is, I keep getting the feeling that he wants nothing to do with getting married. Now, I dont want to get married next week or anything, but I would like to have it in my future and I am afraid that I'll just be waiting forever. Everytime I want to talk about something serious in our relationship (like when he asked me to move in) he acts goofy and tries to avoid the question. Now I find myself thinking about wedding stuff non-stop! I have almost every aspect of my wedding planned and I cant seem to stop. What do I do? I will probably end up waiting forever because I love him but I wonder if I am putting to much emphasis on getting married... Is there still a valid reason to get married or am I just following the Cindarella dream?

A couple extra details... He asked me to move in 4 months before I actually did, i was hesitant because I wasnt sure what I wanted yet. He wants me to go north with him when/if he goes. When we talked about moving in, I was the one hesitating not him.

Answer 1

Yes you probably are putting too much emphasis on getting married....but I understand where you are coming from because I was the same way. However I had been waiting for almost 4 years! Some guys just take longer to get around to it than others. I now have a wedding date! You need to relax, it will happen! But you do need to bring the subject up with him.....so at least you know where the relationship is going. YOu guys already live together so it is not wrong of you for wanting to make it offical! Just be honest with him and tell him that marriage is very important to you and you have always looked forward to having a wedding one day. See what his reaction is. Hopefully he is thinking wedding too. If he is thinking of buying a house, maybe he wants to get you guys set up first.
It is important for you to know if marriage is in the future of your relationship, so now is the time to find out. Then you ar going to have to either be patient, if the answer is yes, or if he is not into the idea, you will have to decide what course of action you will take. Do you accept his decision and live with it? Or do you move on and not waste any more time on this guy (hard I know) and find someone willing to give you the wedding day you dream of. And we all want a wedding, dont we....and a proposal.
Good luck with it all, I hope it all works out for you and dont let yourself get disheartened by some of the answers you will get on here. I am sure someone will throw the "Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free" comment at you. Boring, and mean too. Just talk to him and see what happens. And remember, it has only been just over a year. Two years seems to be the average. I waited almost 4.
Take care. x

Answer 2

I do think you're obsessing a bit. It's not wrong to want to get married, but I think that your BF's negative is making you want it even more than you would if he had already agreed to it.

I'd say: stop making an obsession of it. I think you must have spoken about this BEFORE you moved in together, right?? What were his feelings then? If he said he wanted to marry you back then and now he changed his mind, then there IS something wrong you 2 need to straighten out. If he has always been that way, he's not going to change his mind. I've a friend who moved in with a Swedish guy (she is Mexican) and marriage was important to her but he couldn't care less, b/c it's not a big thing in his country. They've been living together for 2 years now and my friend had the exact same feeling you did: I've moved to a foreign country for him, we love each other and want to see if we're OK living together, BUT I don't want to be his partner forever, I want to get married if things work out. I think she wasn't too pushy about it, but did bring the topic out sometimes. At the beginning he'd just avoid it but eventually they agreed to it and they will be getting married in 6 months from now. But I don't think ultimatums or being too pushy about it are the correct solution...... I'd say: just stay the way you are for now and stop bringing the subject out for a while; however, if he does make the decision of moving somewhere else and buying the house, tell him you wouldn't feel comfortable doing so without getting married first..... so if he wants you to compromise in this aspect, he'd have to compromise in the wedding thing first.....

Good luck and don't get too worried about this: a wedding is not so meaningful........ the committment between 2 people is, so ponder whether you feel you have this and stop worrying about the legal and/or sentimental side of it.....

Answer 3

It sounds like you're putting too much emphasis on the wedding, and not on the marriage. Do you want a wedding, or do you want to *be* married? There is no way to tell whether or not your b/f is going to want to get married one day; he might not be ready to marry right now, but who knows, in a year or two he might come around. Then again - maybe not. How does he feel about being married in general? How does he feel about being married to YOU? Stop thinking about the wedding stuff, and think about what it would be like being married to this person; 24/7/365, for many years to come. Wedding is only one day, marriage lasts much longer.

Answer 4

Honestly, why would he bother with the wedding when he has everything he needs and wants from you right now? You're everything he could ask for, right? He doesn't need any more. And he probably hasn't the foggiest idea that you might need to be married, since your actions to this point haven't given him any evidence that you need to be married.

Or maybe you don't need to be married. In which case, you'd have to do a lot of work to justify your desire to spend money on a wedding.

You need to talk to him, not the people at Y!A. We can't tell him that you need/want a wedding. We can't explain why he doesn't want a wedding. If you love each other and want to be together, you should be able to have this conversation and come to a point of agreement and/or compromise.

Answer 5

Just talk to him. Be forthcoming with what you want and ask him to do the same. Yes, it may be awkward - but you need to do it for your own peace of mind. If getting married is important to you, you need to be sure that you have a partner who understands that. The two of you should really be on the same page on big issues like marriage, where to live, whether to have kids, etc. These are the issues that can ultimately determine how compatible you are for a long-term partnership. I think you may be a little too focused on a wedding. Getting married is about the marriage - not just the wedding.

I remember when my now-fiance asked me to move in with him. I told him that I would love to, but *only* with a long-term committment and plans to get married. We're planning our wedding now. Just my opinion, but I think it's not very wise to give up your own place to live, as well as a certain degree of your independence, for a relationship that doesn't involve a committment.

As far as marriage itself: Sure, it's a piece of paper. While many people have good reasons why they don't want to legally marry, we decided that that official piece of paper gives you plenty of social and legal benefits that you would not have otherwise. he piece of paper has no effect on how much we love each other, but we decided that it was definitely worth having. Also, while we are both very non-traditional in many respects, our families are quite traditional. We knew that they would never accept us just 'living together as partners' and not being married or engaged.

Answer 6

Why should he make that commitment if he already has everything? If you are living together, and sleeping together, there is no incentive for him to do the legal part. Sorry to sound so negative. I don't mean to make it sound so bad. I am just looking at it from a man's point of view.

If he loves you, he will understand the need for a commitment. Let him know how important this is to you. Your feelings are important too. Especially if you have been together for a long time.

I bet you'd find out just how serious he is if you moved out, or stopped the sex until the honeymoon.

Answer 7

It's ok to look, but don;t let it become an obssesion. If yu have all of those secret expectations, you will become mad and sad when he doesn;'t follow thought your "dream".

Remember, he only say about moving in together and, judging from what you wrote, marriage is not in his inmediate plan. Moving in together will certainly delay the edding plans. Men tend to become confortanle in a domestic situation with no strings attached... too convinient for them to do all the legwork and do things right.

Honestly, If you moved in together, he is going to take it and not push the marriage issue because he knows that youa re confortable just living together. You have been together only one year, for a man, sometimes it takes more time to think things as serious as getting married.

Good luck

Answer 8

You wrote, "Everytime I want to talk about something serious in our relationship (like when he asked me to move in) he acts goofy and tries to avoid the question."

When you wanted to move in, he acted goofy and avoided the question??? When you bring up marriage, does he avoid the subject??? I see a pattern here.

Maybe you should try moving out? Maybe try letting him pursue you for awhile? Try waiting until he asks you to marry?

You've been too available. Remember the old saying: Why buy the cow, when one is getting the milk for free?

I think you should move out . . . . especially if he is planning to move north, and has not asked you to marry and go with him. If he pursues you after you move out, then fine . . . you know he is interested. If he does not pursue you . . . well, you have your answer. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

Of course there are valid reasons to get married. Social status, tax questions, personal or religious beliefs can all be valid reasons to choose marriage. There are also valid reasons to choose not to marry.

What it comes down to is whether you and he agree on whether to marry or not.

From what you say, you are absolutely determined on marriage, but unsure what he believes because he won't talk about it. If you can't ever get him to discuss the matter, it may well be that you have your answer already. Or it may be that he's not opposed to marriage, but doesn't feel ready for it. Avoidance is a great way not to have to make a decision you don't feel ready to make.

One thing to keep in mind, if he ever does tell you flat out he doesn't want marriage, listen to him. If he doesn't want to marry anyone, he won't change his mind for you.

Then it's up to you to decide just how important it is to you whether you marry or not.

Best of luck to you. I hope your Cinderella dream comes true, and that it brings you great joy.

Answer 10

Well, aside from legal issues (power to make decisions when he's sick, getting a mortgage, tax breaks, etc) the pro to being married is that you have a man willing to make the commitment to stay with you for the rest of your life. I'd give him a little more time to come around to the idea but there's nothing wrong with daydreaming about your ideal wedding :)