I'm in need of serious advise?

Question

My daughter will be 9 next month and when I get with my husband she was 3 months old. We have never told her that she was adopted by him, but in the last few weeks this lady that we know has mentioned it to her a few times. Now she hasn't questioned us about it, but I feel we should tell her before she hears it from someone else. My husband is upset that I want to tell her because he said he sees her as his own child and doesnt want to tell her. I've made the decision to tell her and I just dont know how to go about doing it. Has anyone had any situations like this or did this happen to you and how did you handle it.

My reasoning for telling her is that if she does find out from someone else I think it'll be better she hears it from us and with her being so young I dont think it'll affect as much if she was in her teens.

I just realized I can't spell advice..lol

Answer 1

Ok first off, this woman had NO right in the world to tell your daughter that kind of stuff. What the heck was she thinking?!??! People need to worry about their own selves and not everyone else.

Secondly...your daughter is a very smart mature person im sure. But you have to look at it this way. Shes still young. If your worried about how she'd feel about the situation then talk to her about it, let her continue to grow up and help her learn that a father isnt always about genetics. Teach her that. If she were to ever find out, like if she needed blood or medical wise it would be a very bad time for her to find out. If she grows up thinking she is related to him by blood it will be harder to understand the truth if she were to find out which would really make her confused and I dont think you'd want her to go through that.

Just be honest at first. It takes a great person to step in as a father to someone elses child. Your hubby has a kind heart that she already knows but teach her how great of a father he really is by telling the truth. Theres no worries, theres no lies, theres just trust and love, even though it doesnt start out that way at first. your daughter is young and I promise you its the best thing to do. Show her just how much she and you are loved.

Answer 2

You know what I'm in the same situation as you, we are going through the adoption process now.
He will be three in September so he won't understand now what the whole process is, but we are not looking forward to the day when we need to tell him.
He (my hubby) in the life of my son since he was 8 months old, and that is the only daddy he knows.
Now would be a good time to tell her, it would be better this way because if she finds out by a big mouth person (the woman), or later on (like 18 years old), she might resent you for not telling her the truth.
It will be a hard thing to do, but the both of you will have to sit down with her, and explain the whole story from the beginning.
She might be upset at first, but she will realize that the her daddy the one who was there for her from birth, love her and will be there for the rest of her life.

Answer 3

You have to tell her now! Now that this lady has mentioned it to her it will be in the back of her mind, even if she never says anything about it. If you let it go on too long and then tell her the truth then she could harbor some resentment towards the two of you about keeping it from her.
Eventually, she will find out the truth. Whether it be from you or if she decides to do some digging on her own due to this lady's comments. It will be so much better for her to hear it from the two of you.
Sit down together, all 3 of you, and let it out. Make sure he lets her know that although he did not make her, that she is is daughter and always will be. She'll be able to handle alot more than you think she can...and she'll respect it coming from you two.

Answer 4

Maybe just ask questions related to your husband being a father to her...Kind of poke at the subject and see if she'll open up and ask questions. I agree with you though, she should know. If you don't tell her it will get to her and then she'll be even more upset...Good luck

Answer 5

Absolutely tell her NOW!!! At the same time you and your husband should tell her that he loves her dearly and that, for all purposes other than biological, he is her father. She'll eventually accept and understand this. Don't try to hide the truth from her -- that would be the worst thing you could do.

Answer 6

Having fear about telling a child its adopted is like admitting you dont love the child as much as one from your own body. Because if you truely did, there would be no fear in it what so ever.

All of you need to sit down, explain family dynamics, have "the talk" if it comes to that (she's going to be hearing things about moms and dads having babies) and explain to her that moms and dads can have a baby from their heart and not their bodies. Theres no difference at all.

You should also let her know that for the rest of her life, until she dies her dad will always be her dad, and he will always love her more than life itself. She'll want to throw it in his face when she's older and angry, but thats not something you allow.

Love is a choice, and its something that we learn. Even with children from our bodies, there are days when we choose to love them because they are our children, not because we feel like it that day. Kids are a lot of work after all. Its the same with kids, children learn how to love their parents, no matter how they got them.

Answer 7

confront the woman, respect your husbands wishes, i think he is right, and if you do decide to tell her it should be your husband who does it, he adopted her, she needs to know it makes no difference to him, but i would just tell this lady to shut up, what kind of person would do that

Answer 8

I would tell her that her father may not be her biologival father but he is in essence the only father she has known. Then you can further explain it.

Answer 9

You need to go to the woman who is bringing it up and tell her to keep her mouth shut.