My mom is difficult help.?

Question

I have had a strained relationship with my mom for many reasons too many to include in this email, one her not showing up at my wedding, and choosing men over me for years but I still try to visit her. My husband and I drove 7 hours to go visit her this weekend and she acted cold, and looking for a fight, toward her husband and us and made the visit a total downer. They never come visit us, but she tries to guilt me into coming to see her. They never go out and do anything not even out to dinner. I feel guilty for not liking to visit my mom but it seems like I am always the one putting forth effort. What should I do?

How can I fix this?

She didn't come to my wedding I think because I didn't let her be the maid of honor and didn't let her new husband give me away. They had been married a month I didn't know the man but invited him. My brother gave me away.

Answer 1

u cant, ur moms a shitty person, too selffish to even be happy for you on ur one special wedding day. stop bending over backwards for thei heartless person. live ur life and be happy.

Answer 2

Since you can't control your mom and what she will do, you can't really "fix" this. What you can do is become more realistic about your expectations. Your mom has acted this way for years, so you should never be surprised that she is inconsiderate and self-centered. With that in mind, decide how often you want to visit her, and when you do visit, expect that she will be distant and cold and the visit will be a big downer--always. (If it turns out differently, you will be pleasantly surprised.)

Talk to your husband about how often you are willing to do this. Maybe once a year is often enough for this type of visit. You decide together, and then plan it into your schedule and realize that it won't be much fun. In the between times, just call your mom from time to time--once a month would be nice--to see how she is doing. It might be a good idea to pick one day of the month when you will always call (like the 10th or the 15th). Since she never goes anywhere that shouldn't be a problem. You can also write to her and send cards and presents to try to stay connected.

The truth is that maintaining a relationship really does take effort from both sides. If she won't also reach out to you, the relationship will never be what it could be, and that's a sad thing. You can help reduce the strain, however, by just doing your part and letting go of the expectations that she will do what she should. No, it isn't right or fair, but it is what is. Plan in the dates and time you will give to her and then let go of any guilt she tries to send your way, knowing with confidence that you are doing your part, so no guilt is appropriate. Focus your energy on being the woman that she never was for you and don't let the disappointment you have in your relationship with her become a problem for your relationship with your husband.

Blessings.

Answer 3

You can't fix it. You can't make your Mom a more reasonable, loving person. You can only control how you react to her. If it takes 7 hours to go see her, no one could expect you to visit more than a couple of times a year. Unless your mom is physically unable to travel, she needs to make the effort to come to you as well. Plan a half-way visit where you meet in a town that has a shopping mall. There you can eat, visit, shop, or whatever and still go home to your own beds at night. Short visits may be the best for you two-- preferably without the husbands.

Answer 4

Dear Lesbo, You don't say how old your kids are, but if the ingrates are old enough to complain, they're old enough to work. Trust me, after a week of 12 to 14 hour days they are going to appreciate the weekend time at home cleaning up the beer cans and cigarette butts. Once you give them their 10% of the money they earned, they can go out and have a great time. The extra money you keep can go for special things, like wine in a box. You didn't say if your kids were boys or girls, but the girls can also get work at night doing, well, doing what girls do best. Who knows, they might even find a husband and you won't have to worry about the little scamps any more. There are certain parts of town where the boys could work uh not saying anything, just you know, something to keep in the back of your mind. Your friend, Papa

Answer 5

Your relationship with your mother appears to be a one way street. While she is your mother, she is still another human being who has the ability to chose how she relates to you and your husband.

It appears that you have reached out several times and each time she has chosen to cross her arms and expect you to do all the work in maintaining the relatioship. Ask yourself this question: Had your husband acted like your mother, prior to you marrying him, would you have married him?

A relationship requires reciprocity, mutal respect, and mutual understanding. If she believes that you as the child must kiss the ground where she walks, then her attitude is not healthy and may put a tremendous strain in your relatioship with your husband and within the interelatioship of your own household.

Perhaps, creating a leave from your mother may be more beneficial at this time. If she ever truly needed you of course, do not turn your back on her. However, you have to protect yourself from the psychological and emotional mistreatment that your mother is intentionally or untintentionally inflicting on you, do not be her proverbial punching bag. Let her know how you feel, and if she does not see anything wrong with her behavior and refuses to recognize her misconduct, then a period without contact may in your best interest.

To paraphrase Dr. Phi, you must set boundaries in your relationship with your mother, for the relationship to exist at all.

Answer 6

You can't "fix this".

Unfortunately it would seem that your mother is a selfish person but there are two sides to everything.

The only thing I would suggest is that you negotiate with your mother (sounds silly i know) and agree to each of you traveling so many times per year to visit each other.

I would suggest that you have regular family meetings on neutral ground a few times a year but your mother seems to be quite a homebody.

If I were you I would just do my very best but not go too far out of my way. Your mother already knows how you feel. To just keep reminding her could strain the relationship further.

It's difficult when a mother seems to not want to be in your life and I'm sure it hurts. If you can take anything from this it's to be the best mother you can be.

Answer 7

Just because she gave birth do you doesn't make her a mother. It doesn't sound like she was a very loving or good one. You are not obligated to visit this woman or to have a relationship with her. She made her choices when you were young - and on your wedding day. Don't waste any more time or energy on her. As far as I am concerned it is she that should be making the effort. Move on with your life and be thankful she lives 7 hours away!

Answer 8

You shouldn't feel guilty for not liking to visit your mom, but you didn't get those feelings all by yourself. Your mom needs to meet you in the middle when it comes to visiting but she's not doing her part. If that was my mom, I'd feel that she doesn't care if she sees me or not, after acting as she did when the two of you went to see her. Your mom has some deep seeded problems but until she gets some help, nothing will ever change. She must be a very miserable woman. You've done your part, so for now, sit back & see if she comes to see you. If not, then I wouldn't subject myself to anymore unpleasant trips to her house. I can tell that you're a peackeeper, but after a while, your attempts to stay in touch with your mom become harder to bear. Call her once in a while & if she is unpleasant towards you, tell her you have to go now, & hang up. When my mom was alive, she acted that way more & more in her later years. I hated to visit her because she was so nasty & never had anything good to say about anyone or anything. I stopped going to visit her & when she called me & tryed to lay a guilt trip on me for not visiting, I told her how I felt. She could have cared less & it put even more distance between us. I was tired of being the peacekeeper & always being the one to give in to her childish & nasty ways. I knew she had issues most of her life but she never sought help, & she enjoyed being miserable. She died lonely & miserable because she had no friends or family who could stand to be around her.

Answer 9

Write her a letter telling her how much you want her love and for her to be a part of your life, despite your differences.

Don't expect her to change her ways but she may come around to wanting to see you. Ok she's toxic and bitter for whatever her past dealt her and she may even be jealous of you becuz you're probably well adjusted, happy and generally a good person.

But we can't pick our parents so the best you can do is be the bigger person. Beware though, this relationship will be a lifelong struggle until the day she dies, perhaps with little in return for you. Still don't give up on her. Remember she looked after you when you were little.

Answer 10

I have the same problem with my girlfriends mom... my girlfriend is always complaining about her mom's behavior. I don't really know why she still tries very hard to get along with her mom, but I guess you only have one mom in your lifetime so she tries her best to help her. She thinks that she might have a problem mentally just because the way she is. The only thing I can tell you is now your have a new life and your husband does not need all the extra drama in your relationship, why should your husband suffer because your mom doesn't know how to behave... you made vows with your husband and this should be your first priority... be thankful that you have a good husband that is willing to go with you and put up with mom as well....so love your mom don't get me wrong but you need to focus on making your husband happy...

Answer 11

I would ask her. Tell her that if she wants to see you she will have to a) be warm and welcoming when you come and b) come and see you every once in a while. Maybe aviod her for a while and see if she calls. Make sure that she knows how bad she makes you feel and that if she doesn't change her attitude toward you, you won't put forth the effort to have a relationship with her anymore.