Stepchild/Biological Mom Drama?

Question

I have 3 stepchildren (girl age 12, boy age 10 and boy age 7) who I have been raising as my own for nearly 3 years. I also have 2 biological sons. My step children's mother was missing in action for 2 years (living in a barn with her abusive and alcoholic husband) and just began seeing the kids again in January of this year. We have worked very hard to buy a home and raise the kids responsibly with equal love and support...but the biological mom is very dramatic and a ton of drama has begun to unfold. All of my stepchildren want to live with their Mom now...not a real possibility because of the drinking, drugs, violence and mental abuse. Biomom's husband regularly shouts abuses their Mom in front of my stepchildren and their Mom's mother in law (who lives in the home with their Mom) despises my step children...only showing kindness to her "real" grandchildren. Still, they want to live with her and they have started writing notes to Mom (leaving them out for us to see) that

beg of mom to get an attorney and take their Dad and I to court so they can get out of our home before they die of depression. Mom will not pay child support (she is over $5000 behind) so she can save for an attorney to get her kids back. It's such a mess. How could we allow these 3 kids to live in an abusive and destructive environment where their stepdad drinks, mom plays guilt trips and step grandmother despises them and has even attempted to kill herself in front of them? We CAN'T! Yet they have begun hating us and making up horrible stories about our home...The insane thing is that they seem SO happy here ALL of the time...until Mom calls and suddenly they loudly begin to complain about our home; how horrible their lives are here... What would you do? Unfortunately, it is difficult for the Dad to retain custody in this country...but our home IS the best one for them. How would you discuss this situation with the kids? I want to explain WHY we cant let them live there.

Answer 1

They dont understand the abuse that is going on. All they are really wanting is to know their real mother loves them. Get a lawyer just in case she does attempt to get custody. Document any abusive events that go on. Their dad needs to have a sit down serious talk with them about the situation at their mothers house and explain why they cant live there.

Answer 2

perhaps it would be a good idea to consider some outside help in this situation (besides yahoo answers).

your stepchildren are almost all to young to decide on their own, who they want to live with.. maybe the 12 year old is of age, but the others are not.

you have to remember their mother abandoned them for some time, and i'm sure the courts would frown upon that.

plus the drinking and drugs and emotional issues which are involved with their bio mother.

have you ever considered talking to a child psychologist? you might look into this and talk to their intake people about your life situation at this time.

perhaps if the children can talk to someone like this, he or she can help them to cope with their lives as they stand, to learn to deal with their mom and her issues.

we don't know what these kids are thinking... maybe they "feel sorry for" their mother for whatever reason? and mother's drama certainly isn't helping.

sometimes a professional can help the kids.. i am sure they realize where they are safest and most secure, but then there is their mom, who "misses them" (even though she up and abandoned them for two entire years).

i'm sure it's a struggle of emotion for everyone right now. this is my best suggestion.

Answer 3

I know the feeling. I have a step-dad and Two stepsisters who HATED their mother until they moved in with us and their mother started buttering them up so that she wouldn't have to pay child support. They moved in with her and it really hurt me because I have no sisters and I felt like I'd been betrayed by them leaving. You should sit down with them and have a talk about the situation. Ask them why they want to move, and point out facts that they are overlooking like that drugs and alcohol and the fact that she was gone for 2 years. In my situation, My older Step-sister was the ringleader, and her sister went along with it so that they could be together, so Maybe you should consider having a conversation with each of them separately...it might be more effective. I also must say that I have a step-dad who treats me equally if not better than his two daughters and I love him for it. I also have a step-mom who has her children and then my brothers and I and we don't get treated the same and it does hurt, so I'm glad that you try so hard to make it equal...I hope everything works out as well as it can

Answer 4

the first thing you need to do is talk to your husband and tell him that you can go to the local department of Children and Families , then get a caseworker on your side to help with the visits and to be present while the mother is around , if she is abusing drugs and drinking then she should be watched ,when around the children ,they can also help in getting back child support and starting it ,and if you do this the case worker will have to see where she is living and if it is safe for the children ,but with what you have told me you need an adovcate for the children , and I am hoping the father has custody of the children since she was missing for two years .
you need legal help I would also check in with the legal service in your area , a public defender wont cost hardly anything in cases like these ,, God bless ..hope this helps you in some way ,...

Answer 5

You need to contact a lawyer, family counselors, and possibly the local human services department. The lawyer will help you avoid losing the children for even a day to this woman. Your whole family needs counseling to deal with this. It would be good for their dad to sit down and talk to them about the problems with them going to live with her. The children might benefit from both individual and family counseling. If you alert the human services department about what is going on and what the children see (abuse of any kind) they might make it mandatory to have supervised visitation with her. Right now they are lost and since mom is back they may want to live with her because they think she left because they were bad before. Or maybe she is telling them she can't live without them. She is manipulating them in the worst ways and they need professional help to deal with this drama. You definitely need to start making steps to prevent any more damage than is already happening at this time. You are obviously a ver loving and caring parent (step, I know) and they will appreciate this later in life. Good luck.

Answer 6

I personally would take them to counseling. A professional child psychologist can help the children sort reality from fiction and help them understand things. They can also hear the children out because they don't know the family's history so it would be a unbiased conversation. Children will talk more when they are comfortable that what they say will never reach the parents ears. So if you are involved with the the counseling don't repeat what to the children what the psychologist tells you they said.

Answer 7

get advice from an lawyer, counselor and any other professional that can help you. I was in the same situation, only my step son went 4years without seeing his mom. He made allegations of abuse against his father and eventually ended up living with a neighbor when the honeymoon with his mother ended. He is now 21, unemplyed and has a felony record.

Answer 8

I would visit a farmer and have a talk with him and tell him why I am there. If he agrees with me, I would get the kids and take them on a tour of his barn and tell them this could be their new home and don't they just love the smell? And didn't one of them say they wanted a cow for a pet?