I don't go to bars, he does... is this going to work?

Question

Some details... I don't drink, I don't go to bars... this guy I've been going out with does. I was upfront with him in the first place telling him I don't and he said that was totoally ok with him. Last night, he wanted to get together and said I could meet him... at the bar. I politely just said, nah, I'm just going to chill at home tonight, maybe we can get together tomorrow. He asked if it was b/c he was at the bar, and didn't I know I could just drink water or soda? I said of course I knew that...

I am a preacher's daughter and a church secretary... and I won't go to a bar because I don't want to be a hypocrite or have someone that's struggling with alchohol addiction in my church see me in one... and it hurt them.

So, do you think this is going to be a killer in our relationship? We're both Christians... but I guess we don't see eye to eye on some things.

Answer 1

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Althuogh there are many Christians who drink, I can completely understand why hanging out in a bar, even with your erstwhile boyfriend, would not be your idea of a fun night out. Even if you don't drink anything alcoholic, this doesn't mean it would be an enjoyable time for you. And, unfortunately, people who DO drink don't understand this.

To me, there is nothing more boring (or disheartening) than watching other people sit around and drink. Even if they don't actually get drunk, they are bound to start to find things funny that really aren't funny, or interesting that really aren't interesting. That's what alcohol does. That's a lot of people's reason for drinking in the first place. Watching people animatedly laugh and discuss things that aren't funny or interesting makes YOU look like a wet blanket, and it's not your fault. It puts you in a completely unfair situation.

Can it be worked out with you and your boyfriend? Probably, but only if he doesn't expect you to go to bars with him. If you can respect each other's chosen entertainments, then it can work. It's a lot to ask though, on both sides. Good luck!
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Answer 2

I don't see a problem with you going to the bar, honestly. Not all bars are full of drunks! Some are, but I'm sure there are some around you where you live where people just go to have a good time and drink simply because they like the taste.

And you won't be a hypocrite if someone struggling with alcohol addiction sees you there! Maybe, if they see you there drinking a soda, they will be impressed that you come to a place known for alcohol and instead got a non-alcoholic drink!
Speaking of that, maybe what you could do for the people with an alcohol addiction is take them to a bar and have them just order sodas or water- That way they can be used to being out in a place with alcohol and get used to ordering a non-alcoholic drink?
Also, if one of them sees you there, it means they're not doing much good for their addiction being at a bar, so you'd be able to help them out if you saw them.

You don't have to get drunk when you drink, you know.

Answer 3

I can see the dilemma you could be in being a preacher's daughter and wanting to do the right thing, and be a good example, but you have to realize not everyone had the benefit of growing up like you did- most people didn't have such a solid background like you have. Who knows, maybe you might be at the bar too like your guy if you didn't come from the family you come from. What I'm saying is there are still good people out there, and you have to decide if the good things he has, qualities etc. outweigh he's bad, and if they don't, and you have certain standards then maybe better to move on. Maybe he can change.

Answer 4

I admire your.......dedication to what you believe in, but you know that you need to live for yourself, right? Going to a bar or tavern and drinking a Shirley Temple won't hurt anybody...even those struggling with addiction, and it by no means makes you a hypocrite. A bar is a social place...nothing more. There is room for compromise here. Maybe you can venture out to the bar with him once in a while, and occasionally he can forgo a night at the bar to spend it at home with you.

Answer 5

Nobody I know sees eye to eye on everything. But if bars are his scene then I'd suggest that he either outgrow this scene or you give him the travel card. Certainly people can have fun the odd time at a bar but when it their main source of entertainment it does kind of show a shallowness of them. It's difficult I know being young and having different morals/values/beliefs than others your age but also very worthwhile. The decision is yours and yours alone but be honest with yourself when doing a inventory of positives and negatives of this relationship when considering whether or not it may have potential. Best of luck.

Answer 6

Forget about this guy. If I found a girl who had half the morals you seem to, I would definitely be more than willing to sacrifice a few nights at the bar. Smack him around a few times until he realizes what a good thing he has.

Answer 7

It doesn't have to kill the relationship. However, if him hanging out in bars is a deal breaker for you, and he's not willing to make that adjustment for you, then you might have to consider parting ways. He said he's ok with YOU not drinking but is he willing to give up not going to bars? See if you guys can talk this out. If not, you might want to look elsewhere. Good luck!

Answer 8

Not sure at all what being christian has to do with this but it can make it difficult. To make it work you'll either have to bite the bullet and go with him or accept that he's going without you.

You're each the person the other chose so it's not fair for either to expect the other to change.

Answer 9

Why don't you just suggest to meet a restaurant. They serve drinks there too.... there's plenty of middle ground here. You need to think of those options.

Answer 10

If you are a Christian, then you know the verse about being unequally yoked... Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Get out of the relationship before you get hurt.