What do I do if my parents will not respect my decisions with my kids and then say I do not respect them?

Question

I am a 41 yr old mother. I don't care what I went to my parents about they would fuss at me and tell me I caused the problem. It was a habit for my mother to call me a da*n bi*ch and a tramp.They would never believe me or acknowledge a problem. They felt that I was either lying or did not know what I was talking about. Even things that jepordized my safety. Now they call my names in front of small children, which she thinks is funny. She then denies saying it and tells me that my children don't know what they are talking about or they are lying. (They are 9 and 6 and well taught). When I tell her I don't like it she tells me there is something wrong with me and proceeds to tell me how I don't know what respect is. She also denies anything that I remember happening in the past. I really don't want my children feeling the helplessness that I felt when I lived with them. These are my parents and I have children that would like to know their grandparents. What do I do?

By, the way there is no such thing as discussion with her. she will yell over you to shut you up if she doesn't like what you are saying.

Answer 1

This is an easy one. Tell them to treat you with respect, or they won't get to see your children at all. Then follow through on the threat. They'll either get the picture and act like adults, or they won't get to see their grandchildren. It is as simple as that. Your children do not need to be exposed to that kind of abusive behavior. It is bad for them, as well as for you. Do it for your kids if you won't do it for yourself. Good luck!

Answer 2

REALITY CHECK!!! Your parents are guilty of emotional and mental abuse that is still occurring even as you are an adult. You do not deserve that type of treatment and neither do your children. Your children will and should always come first and foremost in your life above everything else. If your parents cannot respect you and your wishes, then they also are not respecting your children. I applaud you for wanting your children to have a better, healthier life than what your parents have given you and now it is time to get the strength and confidence to make that happen. Tell your parents that they will begin to respect you and treat you with dignity and respect (especially in front of the children) or they will no longer be aloud to see the grandkids. Your children are young, but they are not stupid. If the grandparents do not comply with your wishes, then sit down with your children and explain to them how people do not treat others the way the grandparents have been behaving and that the behavior is unacceptable. The children will be better off without the grandparents and their negative influence in the long run. You do not want them growing up thinking that that behavior is ok and then have them treat their children the same way. Bottom line: get rid of the grandparents. They are a worthless, ignorant burden to society and a detriment to your health. Seriously, listen to yourself. Grandparents or not, put your foot down and stand up for yourself and what is best for your children.

Answer 3

Why do you allow this person in your life and your children's lives? Just because someone shares some of your DNA does not, in fact, give them any special privileges. And it certainly doesn't give them the right to be abusive.

If you wouldn't accept this behaviour from your mate then you certainly shouldn't accept it from your parents. I don't tolerate much more from my family than I would from a friend, the little extra I do tolerate is out of respect for my husband as family is very important to him. It isn't as important to me because my family wasn't supportive, loving, or nurturing -it was abusive and neglectful. And my mother constantly rewrites history to make her look perfect and make everything my fault.

Just put your foot down and tell her that these behaviours are unacceptable and until such point as she decides to behave she will not be a part of your life or your children's lives -and stick to it.

This would have been easier when your kids were too young to miss grandma or before you have kids but it isn't too late. You just have to sit down with your children and explain that you are sorry you have set such a bad example in self-respect and that you have failed to protect them. Explain to them what behaviours are unacceptable (such as name calling) and that it is just as unacceptable from grandma as it is from them. Explain that they should never let anyone treat them in a way that makes them at all uncomfortable and that form now on when they come to you saying someone makes them uncomfortable you WILL protect them. Tell them you will first try to resolve the issue (so they don't think if they come to you with a problem that person will just not be a part of their life anymore) but ultimately if the other person can not behave in an acceptable manner they will not be allowed around them.

I know you want your children to know their grandparents but you wouldn't leave them alone with grandpa if grandpa was a child molester, now would you? In fact, you might not allow grandpa around them at all ever. Any abuse is abuse, end of story -it isn't acceptable. Your children can still know the good things about grandma and grandpa from stories, the same as children whose grandparents are dead learn about their grandparents.

Answer 4

Dont take your kids around those people or trust me they will make your children feel the same way they made you feel. You dont want that so tell your mother if she doesnt change she will not see your children because she cant keep disrespecting you in front of your children or they will begin to disrespect you as well. Put your foot down. Dont let her treat you like that. I parents are nuts too and i dont tolerate it. My parents see my children once a week and only if they (my parents) behave. I have been known to pack up my children and leave if they dont respect me. My children dont need to be part of their crap and neither do yours. <3

Answer 5

You know, it says much about you that you wish your children to know their grandparents. You are a very kind and loving person.

But your first duty is to your children. They are getting conflicting signals from grandma and mommy. They are starting to learn that you are not worthy of respect. They will soon come to respect no one.

The best thing I can suggest to you is that you remove your children from her influence. She is only undermining you, and telling them that nothing you have to say is worth hearing.

If your mother questions this, you probably should say this: "You have a right to your opinions of me, which I respect. You also have a right to express your opinions of me, which I also respect. My respect goes to the point where I won't ask you NOT to express them. This is why I'm not bringing my children around so long as you choose to exercise that right." Then tell her you love her--which you plainly do--and don't let her talk (or scream) you out of it.

She has a problem with herself, and she has a problem with anger. Your presence only seems to exacerbate that. Until she can come to grips with it, take away the temptation.

Her definition of respect is severely wanting; she seems to believe it means "absolute subjugation." You cannot subject your children to it, nor let her sin by them as she did by you (when you had no choice).

Love your mother, but keep her at arm's length. It's a form of respect.

Answer 6

First and foremost...let your Mother know that you dearly love and respect her and would like her to be around your children, and regardless of what you remember and she doesn't...that it is important for her to refrain from using foul language in front of your children. If she refuses to listen to your restrictions, then it might be in you and your children's best interest to stay away from her for awhile until she agrees to follow your ground rules. Remember you are the parent, and you are the one that can decide what is healthy or unhealthy for your children. I personally have chosen to not have a relationship with my mother for those very reasons. Kids this age don't generally care as long as they feel they are loved and safe. Even though it is hard to not allow your mother to be around your children, keep their best interests at heart.

Answer 7

I would say GOOD BYE forever! You dont need that kind of crapinyour life and neither do your kids. Stop talking to her and stop going to her house and see what she does then. There is a time in your life when you have to make a decision like that. And it sounds like it is time. If she calls you names all the time then what kind of mother is she. Not a very good one regardless. Snce she doent care to what you have to say then sop saying anything to her at all. She obviously isnt a person that you can confide in. So dont go there with her anymore. You are and adult and have your own life and if this is how she wants to be then so be it.

Answer 8

I'm sorry to say that your parents--in particular your mother--are toxic and should be avoided. In particular, it isn't healthy for your children to be around your mother as she spreads her venom in front of them and belittles you in front of them. This is very harmful for them as much as you. Your mother is verbally abusive and may be mentally ill. In either case, I think it would be very helpful for you to get some counselling and even involve your children in some family counseling, if your therapist thinks it's worth it. You have led a life of mental abuse because of your parents. While society tells us we should honor and love our parents, that doesn't mean subjecting ourselves to the kind of abuse your mother is handing out. As much as you wish it would be different, your mother isn't going to change and, for your own well-being, and that of your children, you need to either reduce or completely terminate the contact you have with her. While I doubt it would help, you might consider telling her that, unless she starts treating you with the respect you deserve, you and your children will have no further contact with her. Period. Don't bother getting into a debate with her. It's not a subject for discussion and you wouldn't win it anyway.

Answer 9

ther are similar situations in my family. but what your parents are donig is totaly nausty and horrible. so if you cant talk to them i would stay away from them and write them a letter explaing everything and how you feel and that you are 41 and shouldnt be so disrespected from them like you are and as for your kids they are yours and your job is to make sure they are happy and come to no harm and you should tell them if they carry on they wont see there grandchildren and stick to your word what ever you say to them. but for god sake make sure you do say something some how because it carnt go on like this you are unhappy and so will your kids be because they can see more then you think.

Answer 10

Now you are the parent and it is your responsibility to make good decisions for your kids. Set the ground rules with your parents - do not allow them to see your children without you being around to supervise. If your parents do not follow your rules, then take your kids and leave. You cannot allow your parents to treat you disrespectfully in front of your children - nor can you allow them to mistreat your children.

Yes, it is extremely difficult - but it is your job. My mom routinely smoked in the car with me niece and nephew and they visited her in her smoke-filled home. She was also verbally harsh with them - berating them and sometimes went overboard physically. I spoke with my sister about it, but had to defer to her as the parent when she would not make changes.

However, when I was pregnant with my first child I took mom aside and gave her the rules: no smoking in front of my kids, ever; my kids couldn't come to her home as long as she continued to smoke; and my kids couldn't ride in her smoky car - AND she had to be nice to them!

Well - mom followed my rules and we were able to establish a very nice 'grown-up' relationship. Good luck - I hope things work out as well for you.