God may postpone a wedding?

Question

My finance & I had a an arguement the other day when his family came over for a cookout. Everything is fine until his uncle starts talking about the bible.. and jesus.. yayda yayda. **I do not believe in god, the church, heaven, hell.. none of it.. I think it's all a big lie** So after 1/2 hr of bible study I was sick of hearing about his religous experiences and went in the house. My fiance comes in 10 minutes later and says i'm being closed minded, and rude- said that it looks bad. Well I didn't care. I wasn't in the mood to hear it. Well after everyone left and we were lying in bed he basically said that there are some things we need to work out before we can get married. He's afraid when we die we won't go to the same place, and that me not believing will eventually pull us apart. Im never going to believe what he does. But he says I won't even give it a chance and he's right. It's like flying purple elephants. it's silly. How can we be happy if Jesus keeps pulling us apart?

We've been together 3 years now.& When he met me he knew i didn't believe in god. Why is he asking me to change now?

He never mentioned ANY this before, he knew-- seemed like he didnt' care. But he says he loves me and still wants to be togther.. what the hell?

I don't want to spend my whole life lying to myslef and pretending, but i love him with all heart, I don't want to lose him.

FOR the record... we plan on not having children.

Answer 1

Marriage is a big step. It means formally committing to a lifetime together. When you were just "together" and were not married, the prospect of life and death and dealing with life and death together simply was not on his mind. Now that you are getting hitched, he is starting to consider what a life with you will be like. A permanent life. What WILL happen when you die? What will happen with your kids if he believes one thing and you another? How will your different beliefs affect your relationship in the future? What will your relationship with is family be like?

I, for one, DO believe in the flying purple elephants. I just want to disclose that now, because I know how your husband feels. But the truth is that you are not wrong to feel the way you do. You are probably right: if you don't believe it, you won't believe it. In a sense, expecting you to be "open-minded" is not fair, because odds are he will be no more open-minded about your beliefs. So he is right to be thinking about this. It will matter if/when you have kids. It will matter if one of you is terminally ill. It is something that will need to be dealt with, one way or another.

I'm not saying you should change your beliefs or that he should change, or that you have to agree. But it does need to be discussed, and some kind of understanding has to be come to in order for your relationship to work on a permanent basis. Here is the good news, though: the fact that this is coming up shows that your fiance is serious about this marriage. THAT is why this is coming up NOW, and never did before. Your man really, really loves you.

I hope that is helpful. It's a perspective from someone who may feel similarly to your husband, but I tried to be fair and objective, too. If I were you, I'd have a good, long talk with him about his beliefs and your beliefs. You don't have to have the same beliefs, but you need to compromise and come to an agreement about how these matters will be handled, especially in regards to fanatical religious relatives. If that fails, try couples' counseling, which I recommend for someone before they get married anyway. Good luck!

Answer 2

I completely understand how someone can be skeptical about religion. There are so many different view points on what people do believe and there are often the same kinds of issues within church as there are anywhere else. But for those who do believe hold out faith that the ones that they love and care about will somehow be touch in a way that will open their hearts and their minds. Believing in God does take an open mind and a willingness to accept things that can not always be explained. Your finance is probably hoping that in some way his faith will rub off on you.

When you have a connection and become drawn to someone you do not always think about the differences that may become issues for your relationship. It is poor etiquette no matter what the topic may be to walk way from guests when they are visiting your home. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, change the subject or engage in another topic with someone else. He has every right to feel that you conducted yourself in a rude manner. It's not Jesus or God that is putting your relationship in jeopardy it's you. Lack of compassion, tolerance and the I don't care attitude is what's got him thinking. Put yourself in his shoes. What if you have family over and lets say your mom started rambling on a subject that made him feel uncomfortable. How would you feel if he gave her and your other guests the cold shoulder and walked off. He wasn't asking you to change only to be tolerant of others but due to your intolerance he's now contemplating whether he can make a commitment based on his beliefs.

Answer 3

Wow......that is quite an argument. I DO believe in God, and I will tell you from experience, religion/lack of belief is one of those things that people rarely compromise on. I'm not taking hubby's side, but I WILL say that when you are raised in a religious household, you carry your beliefs with you your whole life........ so most of what you do, the decisions you make, the way you raise your children (if you plan to have any) the people you interact with, etc. is based on your upbringing.

Did he seem okay with this at first???? Did he tell you he would expect you to change???? Do you expect him to change eventually??? What happens if you have children--what will they be raised to believe???

IF you all have sorted out these issues, and you still can't find some middle ground, I would suggest that you both move on to people with similar beliefs.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Jesus is not pulling you apart. You both are tearing at each other. The Bible says that a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand. You are a VERY closed minded. If he respects your belief not to believe in God why can't you respect his beliefs to believe in God? And his family's beliefs all the same? you don't just marry the man, his family is a packaged deal too, if they are a big part of his life. Maybe he was hoping he could change you. If you two choose to stay together and try to work out your differences, it will be a rough road. I'm not saying you can't. But you have to be very open-minded. You may have to act like an adult and take it when someone mentions Jesus, rather than running in the house like a child.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to say that I disagree with Trakx. I think that this is a big deal.
And I give your fiance credit for recognizing it before your wedding. There's no shame in postponing or even canceling a wedding. In future years, you may think that it was the smartest thing you ever did. Think of it as divorce avoidance.
I am an agnostic, married to an agnostic, and I can't imagine being married to someone who believes in "flying purple elephants". On the other hand, we weren't agnostics when we married. We both evolved to that point of view. But we married at a very young age. If you and your fiance are older, there may be less movement in your points of view.
Good luck.

Answer 6

This needs to get settled before you walk down the aisle. If both of you (sounds like its more him than you though) don't agree to disagree about religion, then it will be a very hard road to travel down in the future. Especially if you do end up having children (you may plan on NOT wanting children but that does not mean that won't happen anyway, plus you could change your mind).

Talk with him about it.

Answer 7

If you two really love each other, I believe that talking honestly and openly, you can work it out.

My mother is religious and my father is not. As a kid, we knew that my mother would leave for church at a certain time on Sundays. We could go with her, or not, it was our decision. Religion was never forced upon us and that made us more open to it as teens and adults. It was always a choice. I think it was a great way to be raised and I never felt religious tension between my parents. I think much of this was because their core beliefs are the same, just without the God part for my dad.

For example, neither one of them drink alcohol. My mom was never forceful with her religion, just willing to discuss if we wanted too. In turn, if my mom wanted to pray before a meal, my dad respected that and let her express her religion in her way.

People have to make choices on their own and life is all about compromise. If you really want to be with him, and him with you, I believe that it could still work out.

Answer 8

You don't have to believe in heaven/hell/god - but you need to think about whether or not you can respect your fiance's beliefs and that of his family. It's inexplicable, but at family gatherings the conversations tend to turn to: religion and politics. Figure out how you can state your beliefs without the emotional upheaval - you need to be able to speak your mind without feeling like you are justifying your beliefs. You're entitled to them - just as your future husband and in-laws are entitled to theirs. If all of you can't have these discussions so that everyone feels respected, perhaps it's time to put the cards on the table and agree that you all disagree and will let this topic go at future family gatherings. Folks will forget that it's off-limits at times - so you'll need to be able to smile and ask for a change of subject (nicely) when that happens.

A really big issue that you need to discuss pronto is: are we having kids and if so are they going to be raised in the church. If you and your fiance cannot agree on this issue then you're in for some very rocky roads.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I think the problem might be that your fiance have REAL beliefs in something that you pass off as "a big lie."

I realize you are not religious, but often faith is a big part of people who do believe. You're not just marrying a man who is party to some greater lie, but rather a man who honestly believes in these "flying purple elephants." It seems to be a large and rather important part of his life, so maybe that is something you both SHOULD think about before marrying. Could you imagine what would happen if you were married and got into this argument and you told him everything he believed in was a lie?

Good luck.

Answer 10

It's sound like both of you a just being reluctant. You should have put a smiling face. It's OK for you not to believe but understanding what he believes is part of life. Just because you don't believe it OK, just use this rambling as a learning experience then you can be knowledgeable about what you don't believe in. And your finance should learn to understand that his beliefs aren't the only beliefs and that now is the time that matters and the after life is a distant matter. Try to make a compromise like he is able to go to on Sunday but you don't want to. And you must agree on thing like your child can be baptized but that he will get to choose on his own. Maybe make a small effort to go to church on select holidays but other than that you have a made your life and you want it to be with him.