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Question

So what exactly am I getting out of being a military spouse?

It's hard finding a job. I am pursuing a degree and will get that soon, but, I've traveled and followed my husband around. I just hope he realizes that he's going to have to take care of me because I've dropped everything to follow him around.

I would have been independent if it wasn't for being married.

Does he understand the sacrifices I've made and is he going to support me?

Any advice from soldiers would be great on how they view this.

Answer 1

i'm a married soldier who is leaving the army in a days. it is incredibly difficult to have any sort of a family life when in the military, but that is the cost of serving.

it is obvious you are frustrated, probably rightfully so. divorse rates in the army are sky-high. not only do you deploy for 12- 18 months at a stretch, but when you come home, you usually have had a promotion. that mean another month or 2 away at pldc, or bnoc. then you go some school like mountaineering or sapper, or air assualt, etc...bam another month, maybe more if you go to more than one. then you're in the field for a few weeks. then before you back to iraq, you spend a month at ntc or jrtc. before you know it, back to iraq. its often that in a 4 year stint, you'll be home for just a few months after everything. tough life for the rest of the family.

if your husband doesnt appreciate what you've sacrificed, well, thats too bad for you and him. miltary life is difficult at best and a partner feeling un-apreciated is usually the start of other issues.

i wish you well, your road ahead wont be easy. get your degree, talk openly and frankly to your man about your needs and concerns for the future. if you dont, your marraige will be miserable

Answer 2

"Does he understand the sacrifices I've made and is he going to support me?"

Military spouses sacrifice more than many people realize. That question is one to ask your husband, not the Y!A community. We can't answer that.

What you have to realize is that most military spouses are unable to carry on a career due to the constant PCS'. One thing that you can do is continue your education while he is serving. If he does his 20 and retires, then you will finally settle down and you can land a job in your field. Then, it can be your turn to support him.

You can then be the primary breadwinner while your husband goes to school for his education.

I know that this can be frustrating, but you seem to have a childish attitude about this. I know that military members do not make great money. What is stopping you from getting a job at the Exchange or Commissary, or even a job downtown to help support your family?

At some point, you made a decision to "drop everything to follow him around" and now you have to live with that decision.

On the bright side, I have found that with time, everything becomes normal. You will eventually get used to it. However, you cannot carry on with this attitude. Especially if your husband is not aware. You need to talk it over with him. There are many resources for the military family on the installation.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

It must be very difficult being a military spouse but I have to say, you must've known what you were getting into when you got married.

Have faith though. Know that your husband is doing something extremely noble and to lose your support or have any resentment about what he is doing can be damaging.

Make the best of your situation. Maybe you can find a job that has to do with what you are dealing with as a military spouse. You can still be independent and married, you just have to find a way that works.

Talk to your husband. I'm sure he is aware of how hard this is for you and together you can come up with a solution or at the very least, a compromise.

Answer 4

lots of holes in your argument.

You can find a job anywhere your spouse is stationed, you just have to be willing to take a pay cut, or to take a job that isn't ideal. I personally, choose not to work, but That's just me.

Don't blame your dependency on his military service. PLENTY of military spouses lead full lives in spite of it. do you drive? even if there is only one car in the family, you can drop him off in the morning, come back home, go back to bed until the sun comes up and then go about your day, shopping, looking for a job or volunteering somewhere. What do you do while he is deployed? don't tell me you aren't independent then.

It's a choice you made, either by marrying someone who was already in the military or by supporting him when he enlisted. You make said sacrifices because you cannot see you spending your life without him in it and because you love him, NOT because you want a pat on the back for being so supportive. DO YOU SUPPORT HIM? or do you spend all your time whinging about how rotten life is and that it's all his fault for not catering to your every whim and desire? Support is a two way street.

Answer 5

Wow...well I too am a military wife, 10 years, 4 deployments, and 4 moves. Let me tell you something. If you aren't in it because you love your spouse, he would be better off without you. He doesn't have to take care of you...take care of yourself. Never once have I looked at it like that. I knew that when we got married and he made the decision to enlist that there would be lots of sacrifice. Lots from me and lots from him. He has missed countless milestones that our children have had including the birth of one of our boys. I have been fortunate enough to be there for all of them. Do you understand the sacrifice that he has made? Do you think they enjoy deploying, waking up at 4 or 5 every morning and doing PT. Wearing those hot ACU's no matter if it is 40 out or 110. Personally I think you are being selfish. Everyone affiliated with the military whether soldier or spouse makes sacrifices. Shame on you for being so shallow.

Answer 6

I guess that is all part of being a military spouse. I am sure that he does and is willing to support you in everything that you do, just the same as you need to do for him. You need to understand that his job is not easy and can be very stressful at times, he may not always be right there to say thank you or be able to put into words how much he appreciates the things you do for him, but you need to make sure that you do your part and always let him know how grateful you are of the life he gives you.

As far as the part on you dropping everything to "follow" him around. I you cant always look at it like that, you are there to be with him and support him no matter where you or he is in the world. Relocating is not always an easy thing to do. Not knowing anyone, not knowing where to look for a job... these are all things that military men as well as the spouses deal with. He is your husband he has chosen a job that is not always the "easiest" life to live, but remember only the strong marriages in the military world.

And for the last of your statements, there is no reason at all that you cannot be independent while married, you may not at this time be financially independent, but you can be an independent person. Learning to deal with the tough situations the military life puts you in and learning how to adapt and overcome... your husband has enough to deal with at work I am sure, so you worry about your life and what you want out of it, finish school, work, Do what you gotta do to feel good about you, he will appreciate this and will support you for sure, that is if you are doing the same for him. Just remember, there may be times when he will be gone for a long stretch, he may not be around you for a year or so, he is going to be thankful he has someone at home to be waiting for him and holding everything down. I know at times, when things start going a little rough, my husband feels bad that we are having to deal with these things, or like now he isnt home with us for 12-18 months he feels bad that I have to deal with certain things on my own, but he knows that I can and I will. It is always a mutual situation.

Do sit there and ask yourself " What am I getting as a military spouse?" that is not what defines you for who you are, you cant ask what are you GETTING out of it. You need to think about how you and your husband can support each other in what you want to do in life, while you are near and far from each other, build on your marriage, make it as strong as you possibly can, a marriage both civilian and military takes a lot of work and sacrifice, love and support. I wish you the best !!!

Answer 7

Cant answer for what your husband does or does not appreciate about your sacrifices, but I can tell you as a retired military officer that a wife's contributions and sacrifices made for her husband's chosen employment are very large and sometimes under-appreciated. She has a very tough role to fill also, not just him. Both roles are demanding and sometimes overwhelming. Like all things that work well, teamwork and synergism is how a man and wife make it, whether it be in the military environment or civilian. Eventually it will be your turn at bat and he will have to learn to play the role you've learned. Good luck.

Answer 8

Believe me when I say that its just as hard on the soldier to know that he is having his family going through this with them. We do realize what you are going through as a spouse. The many late nights, the really early mornings, being gone for a long time, and the constant moving around. The only thing that drives us and keeps us from giving up is knowing that we have a loving family to go home to every night and thats what gives us the motivation to keep going. Your husband knows what you are going through because not a night goes by where he wont sit and think about you and what you could have done rather than be with him. But he appreciates and loves you for the sacrifices you have made for him, and thats giving him the will to drive on. Not one soldier wants to pack up and move their family every time the military says to go, but it comes with the job, and having a loving spouse to tell them that its ok its just something that has to be done keeps that soldier continuing forward in life.

Answer 9

With this attitude I'd start checking the paternity of all the kids.

Honestly, if you have gotten this far with not knowing why you're where you are doing what you are...

...then SOMETHING is probably keeping you distracted.

Of course, you are less independent than if you weren't married. YOU GIVE THAT UP WHEN YOU AGREE TO A LARGE MEASURE OF CONTROL BY ANOTHER HUMAN!!!

That's what a marriage is!

Smart assitude aside, you're getting what every spouse gets out of every marriage: the expectation of support by the wage-earning spouse, the expectation that any kids are the husband's , and social pressures and expectations that only you two are sexually intimate with each other.

Nothing else applies except what you two make it.

So, if you have issues, talk to your spouse. If you can't resolve what you want and what he wants and what you two can do...

...finish your degree, move out, and file for divorce.

Answer 10

I guess I would ask you, why did you marry him if you were not prepared to be a military wife? Why do you think YOU made sacrifices for him? Why is going to support you? Is there some reason you can't work at some sort of job?

Think about this: If/when he is deployed, does he not sacrifice for you? He will be giving up alot of his freedom. Can't come & go as he pleases, is told when to go on missions, sleep, what to do, etc. But the big thing is, he is fighting to make sure you are able to complain about petty things.

Get over yourself. Thank him for the freedoms you have to make the choices you are able to make.