My son is getting married soon and neither he nor his wife- to -be has asked my daughter, his sister, to be in their wedding. My daughter is so hurt by this I am afaid its going to come between the two women. I think its sad because his finacee is not reaching out to try and be part of our family. Truely I am having a difficult time figuring her out. Its like she doesn't want to be close to us.
This not my idea of a great way to start out with someone's family. Or are we just reading too much into this.?
2007-08-05 09:24:58 · 31 answers · asked by Momwithaheart 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
My son's finacee has no siblings and my son just has his sister.
2007-08-05 10:50:02 · update #1
I am hearing a lot about divorce. We, our son's parents, have been married 34yrs+, in our wedding I had his sister and a friend, both of whom we no longer see or talk to. When my brother got married, he did not invite me, his little sister to be a bridesmaid, but he did my older sister,.....that really hurt! Anyway I was in the wedding, we still have distance between us.....not that I want it that way.
I just want everyone to be happy and get along. I have been on both sides and to me this situation does not look good. Hopefully I am wrong.
2007-08-05 11:00:39 · update #2
Oh, and both, my son and her have already told us, his parents, that we no longer have to give the rehearsal dinner. I was so looking forward to it. And its like we have all been thrown out of the wedding......but they want cash!
2007-08-05 11:10:09 · update #3
There's not much you can do about it, except stop worrying about it. Does she even know you guys? It's kind of weird to ask someone to be in your wedding if you've only met them like twice. You could hold it against her for the rest of their lives or get over it, the choice is yours.
2007-08-05 09:31:05 · answer #1 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 6⤊ 5⤋
A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life. I did not make this up. Stay out of it, that is best, as others have said. It is only one day (albeit a wedding day), only a party, only a show, for the bridesmaid. No wedding ever means nearly as much to a bridesmaid as it does to a bride.
You do not say if the bride to be has sisters, friends, close cousins, just that she isn't that close yet to your family. Tell your daughter not to let this fester. Heaven forbid they have a fight 2 years from now and you or your daughter scream something about her not being in the wedding.
It isn't worth it, it really isn't. My husband had as his best man, his brother. Because he thought it was the right thing, even though he had 3 friends he would rather have asked. He and his brother no longer speak, whereas he is still close with his 3 friends, and has said he wishes he had had one of them as his best man.
2007-08-05 09:53:04 · answer #2 · answered by danashelchan 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Traditionally, the bride picks the bridesmaids and the groom picks the groomsmen. It's possible that the bride just has some very dear friends that she feels are better picks for bridesmaids...girls she feels close to and wants to share her special day with. Maybe she is one of those people that have a hard time with new people and it will take her a long time to feel close enough to her new sister in law to ask her to be a part of the intimate moments in her life. In the meantime, your daughter needs to grow up and understand that this day is about the bride and groom and not her.
As for them telling you that you don't "have" to throw the reception dinner, you need to tell them that you are happy to do so, and have looked forward to it as parents of the groom. Do not give them cash, and tell your son (out of earshot of his bride to be) that it is tacky and hurtful that the only thing he seems to want you for on the most important day of his life is your wallet.
2007-08-05 19:11:39 · answer #3 · answered by missbeans 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's easy for someone to say to give this girl the benefit of the doubt... however, you have been around this girl so you should understand how she is towards your family better that us "Yahoo"ers do. So, you might not be reading too much into this.
Does she have any brothers or sisters that are in the wedding? Has the soon-to-be bride want your daughter to make a reading at the church? Or has she decided to make your daughter have another type of special job that she doesn't trust with anyone else? Bring it up to your son. Maybe he's not aware of his sister's feelings. Maybe the soon-to-be bride doesn't notice whats going on either.
If this isn't the case and your daughter has been left out of the wedding for no reason, it needs to be addressed. Have a sit down with your son and soon to be daughter-in-law and ask them what is the matter? You daughter has every right to be in the wedding. If the bride still refuses to put her in, demand that your daughter should walk with the groomsmen in a black and white dress. There is nothing wrong with having a modern wedding with a little twist.
My love goes out to you and your daughter. I know a situation like this is unneeded and causes a lot of pain.
2007-08-05 10:34:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 3⤋
It's so sad that society puts so much pressure on this one day to be a symbol for someone's whole life, it's just 1 day.
I'm very sorry that you and your brother are still distant because of something that happened so long ago. I hope you didn't tell your daughter that story because it will only upset her to think she may become distant with her only sibling.
You are reading too much into it.
I think you need to stay out of it and she needs to talk openly with her brother about it. I don't think there is anything anyone can do because it is their wedding. I hope they are receptive to their families' feelings but that their families' back off and let them enjoy their day.
You and your daughter should just be happy for them no matter what (that's what unconditional love is) and be as supportive as possible, not selfish. Why go to a wedding if you are going to harbor hard feelings.
Find all the things you like about your future in-law. You sound like you are on your way to being a "MILDEW" if you don't tread carefully. I'm sure he won't intentionally hurt his sister (they may be planning on asking her to sing or do guestbook). Relx and let them sort it out.
So the answer to 'what does a mom say?' is "your wedding will come and you can have it your way, until then be happy for your brother and enjoy the fun" if she doesn't deal with that in a mature manner say "talk to your brother openly and honestly, tell him how you feel and why" then let them work it out.
Welcome your in-law with open arms and a smile. Don't hold 1 thing over her head forever. She may have had her wedding planned in her head long before she ever met you or your daughter so it's not personal.
2007-08-05 15:28:22 · answer #5 · answered by az 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
The most you can do is ask your son why his fiancee isn't trying to be a part of the family, and why your daughter has been excluded, and if the answer isn't favorable, ask him if he really wants to marry this gal. Then accept if he says yes. If the fiancee isn't trying to be a part of the family, they'll probably end up divorced in a few years, and your son will really need you then. So be prepared. good luck
To all those that thought your daughter was hurt by not being asked to be in the wedding party, it was never mentioned that she was hurt by that, only mentioned that she was hurt by not being in the wedding. The brother could have asked her to do something, and shouldn't need permission from the bride to include family members. So the daughter may not even be doing so much as to sit at the guestbook, and BTW, the sister of the groom is just as important in a wedding as the sister of the bride, and a wedding is just as much the groom's day as it is the brides, and anyone who thinks otherwise shouldn't be getting married, PERIOD. I was maid of honor at my brother's wedding. None of us really felt great about that marriage, either, but hoped for the best, in which they divorced.
2007-08-05 09:49:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 2⤋
I disagree with many of the posters above. You should have a talk with your son and find out what the problem is. Family comes first and I think your son and his wife will be more hurt and regretful years down the road than your daughter is now. A wedding day is a once in a lifetime event and friends can fade away over time but family is FOREVER. It shouldn't matter if your son's fiancee "knows" your daughter or not. If that's the case, I think she is being very selfish towards not only your daughter, but your son's feelings also. My older sister HATES the fact that she purposely didn't invite one of her best friends to her wedding because they were at odds during that time and now that girl is still one of the few my sister still talks to from her high school class.......and that's just an invitation! All of us (siblings) were in her wedding party and she's always said she couldn't imagine doing otherwise (and that is from someone who was 19 when she got married) Do they really want to look at wedding pictures twenty years from now and think of how they wish they had thought about it more?
Some more background information might help us a little though. For instance, how many siblings are there in each family? Is your son having guys from HIS FIANCEE'S family stand up as groomsmen? Are there other siblings standing up and only the one daughter is not? Does the bride have a family full of sisters who are in the wedding party or is she just hand-picking all her friends? Have they just simply not asked her or is it a case where they have made it known that they don't want her in the wedding party?
In any event, it's like my mom used to say years ago: "When I'm dead and gone someday, all you kids will have are each other". My mother died eight years ago and it's very true -- I am closer to my siblings now than when we were growing up. It would be a HUGE mistake if they are purposely excluding her from their wedding day
FAMILY IS FOREVER!
2007-08-05 10:07:52 · answer #7 · answered by matthew67899 3 · 4⤊ 5⤋
As so many others have said, it is really about the bride and groom. However...I was in a similar situation when my brother married his wife. I felt hurt that I was not included in the wedding party after I had a lot of flack from my mother about having my brother as one of my husbands groomsmen. My brother did become a groomsmen...and my sister-in-law did eventually include me in the wedding, as the one responsible for making sure all parties involved had their corsages etc. Looking back, it really was a lot of petty bickering for nothing! My brother and I still have each other, (we are both divorced now) and all of that seems really meaingless . You should remind your daughter that while her feelings may be hurt right now, he is still her brother,wife or not, and that she really shouldn't take it personally. Family is most important, and maintaining her relationship with her brother should be her focus. I am glad I didn't make a huge deal out of the whole thing and now still have an outstandingly good relationship with my brother.
2007-08-05 10:19:35 · answer #8 · answered by skriderfan 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I guess I'm the opposite of most people here. I think that it's just courteous and nice to let sibling of your fiance or fiancee to be part of the wedding somehow. She is going to be part of the bride's new family, so it would be nice of the couple to let her do something in the wedding but not necessarily as a birdesmaid of groomsmen. I think the least they can do is let her do a reading at the wedding, or something that would still make her feel special. I know that it's the couple's day, but that's his only sister and I think he'll regret it if he doesn't let her be a part of his big day. Try talking to your son and daughter together and see if they can come up with something. Good luck :)
2007-08-05 11:57:27 · answer #9 · answered by Wishing on a Dream 4 · 4⤊ 2⤋
in all honesty your daughter needs to understand the bride picks who she wants, there are no laws that says you have to ask your spouse to be's siblings in the wedding, yes it is the nice thing to do but it does not always happen.
I have a niece that got married a few years ago she has 6 sisters she only had maybe three of them in her wedding, the others understood about her not asking them.
Maybe mention to the bride if she could find a small job for your daughter..there's always the guest book, or gift table, or the one that hands out the programs, or hands out the bubbles or whatever is going to be thrown as the bride and groom leave, but if not your daughter need to just understand it's not a personal stab against her, the bride just had closer friends or family that she wants to have.
2007-08-05 09:42:51 · answer #10 · answered by Kitikat 6 · 6⤊ 2⤋
You might be reading too much into this.The wife to be soon your new daughter may have allot of girlfriends or sisters she wants in her wedding remember her wedding.
It sound like they do not know each other that well yet but in the future they will get to know each other however if your daughter allows this to be a part of their relationship then there will be family problems.
The bride does not have a close enough relationship with your daughter yet.
As the mother I would share that with your daughter and explain that they will have a relationship that will last forever either good or bad.So embrace your new family member because after all your gaining a daughter and your daughter is gaining a sister.
If nothing else works remember your son and in the near future the relationship you and your daughter will want to have with your son and future grandchildren or nieces and nephews.
2007-08-05 09:35:35 · answer #11 · answered by wkemrer 3 · 5⤊ 3⤋