my 19 year old brother in law moved in with us about 5 months ago after a tornado came through and destroyed his grandparents house.he was living with them. at first it wasnt a problem he was a good kid.we didnt bother giving him a curfew or anything because we could trust him but now,he's hanging around with the wrong people and has an attitude thats terrible.hes also partying every day and i do mean every day either drinking or smoking pot. he hangs around people that are 16 and none of them have vehicles so of course, they bum off him.he has a job so he buys his gas but they ride around all day and when he's out of money usually within two days after he gets paid he comes beggin me for money.we dont make him pay rent or anything all he has to pay for is his gas and insurance for his vehicle.he has a curfew of 12 right now bc i got tired of stayin up worrying about him. last night he tried to borrow some money and i wouldnt give it to him.am i wrong for trying to help him clean up?
2007-08-05 08:48:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
he does start paying 100 dollars a month next month in september and when he does that we are lifting the curfew.he has to pick up after himself and everything.my husband agrees with me on this but im usually the one to give in and give him the money anyway bc i get tired of getting the "feel bad for me bc my life sucks" routine when he doesnt realize how he has it made.i havent given in yet though.
to answer one of the questions:there parents are split up and they ended up moving in w/ there grandparents when they were really little. my bro in law was like 2 i think so he doesnt really remember much.they still have contact w/ there parents though.its just hard watchin a good kid who was in college drop out bc of bad grades and then see him go down this road.ive been there myself to and i just dont wanna see him go through what i did. we used to be close but now,he's changed and thats what he doesnt understand if he would act right i wouldnt have any problem with givin him money.
2007-08-05 09:24:46 · update #1
No good deed ever goes unpunished.
If youre expecting gratitude youre wasting your time.
2007-08-05 08:58:21 · answer #1 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
At this point, where he is 19, and is living in our home rent free (and I am sure that you are also doing laundry, feeding him, etc) ... you are doing the RIGHT thing by NOT giving him money .. setting a curfew ...
And .... to be sure ...
The NEXT step is for you to sit down with your spouse, and set deadlines for him moving out and also rent for the room (which he is using -- as well as a share of the Utilities and Food Costs) ... then sit down with this 19 yr old and TELL him your expectations ..
The DEADLINE Date for move-out ...
The RENT That he has due each and every week until Move-out date ...
The fact that there is NO substance Abuse in or around the home .. and if he brings substances into the home (or property) -- he will IMMEDIATELY have to leave (eviction).
That the CURFEW stays ....
and .. in no instance -- NEVER, EVER Give this 19 yr old any money -- period!
The BEST way to help him at this time is to NOT enable his addictions -- but to REQUIRE him to be and get responsible for ALL his adult needs -- from shelter to food to utilities and clothing ... and to NOT give him one more thing.
2007-08-05 16:01:01 · answer #2 · answered by sglmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yikes. You are heading down the road to Dr. Phils!
Your intentions to help this guy were good but he is taking advantage of a cushy deal and you now are enabling his immature "user" behavior.
Personally, I would tell him he needs to be out by end of the month. Definitely do not give him money or booze. If he gets some teens in trouble or into accident you dont want in any way to get tied in.
This guy is also bad for your marriage so give him the boot.
2007-08-05 15:56:57 · answer #3 · answered by Candace C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not wrong for cutting him off financially ESPECIALLY if he has a job of his own. You didn't mention where his parents are and why he's not living with them.
Personally, I don't need this kind of drama in my house, so he wouldn't be there. But for you, since you feel a sense of responsibility for him, you need to give him ground rules. For instance: he needs to pay some type of rent. Or, a phone or electric bill. He needs to be responsible for something. He needs to wash his own clothes, and clean up after himself. A 19 y/o can't learn responsibility if he is not forced to have some.
If he thinks he's "too old" for house rules, tell him to get his own house so he can make his own rules.
2007-08-05 15:55:48 · answer #4 · answered by Dee M 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's your husband's take on all this? He needs to talk to his brother and set some rules. You shouldn't have to be the bad guy. You are not wrong to expect your brother in law to be respectful of your house and show some responsibility. He needs to learn to budget himself and grow up. If he can't accept your rules then he may have to leave and see what the real world is like.
2007-08-05 15:57:02 · answer #5 · answered by rcButterfly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely not wrong in fact I would start charging him rent not alot maybe 25 dollars a week. this will teach him a sense of responsibility. He has to learn if he can't budget his money now how will he ever make it on his own.
2007-08-05 15:58:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yup, sometimes it just doesn't pay to be nice to people... and for sure, he is taking advantage of you... Isn't he going to school? Then if not, doesn't he have a job? Unfortunately, people like that will suck on you as long as you let them. If it were my bother-in-law, he'd have a deadline to leave.... say, August 25. Let him know. And let him know that on that date, (or whatever date you choose) that if he is not gone, his stuff will be outside, and the locks on the doors will be changed... as well, the police will be notified that you have given him a deadline. Tell him to be sure he has gotten his mailing address changed......Then, hon, do it. Since he's not going to school, and he doesn't have a job, he is a parasite.... treat him as such.
2007-08-05 15:56:09 · answer #7 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You were young once, and you and I both know from experience that no kid likes to be disciplined. When they get older, that is when they realize the value of discipline, and how it helps to keeps them from a life that they will regret later in adulthood.
2007-08-05 15:55:30 · answer #8 · answered by WC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
make him pay $300.00 per month and save $200.00 each month for him, when you have enough for him to move out with help him find his own place, as long as he is allowed to mooch off family he is going to, first his grandparents , now your family, it is time for him to grow up and be on his own
2007-08-08 18:53:14 · answer #9 · answered by cheri h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think you mean well let your husband orsomone else put him together
tell him that it hurts you when he comes to you for money its no fair to you in that position
you sound like you have a good heart keep it gold
2007-08-05 15:55:51 · answer #10 · answered by kylexylvr 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋