I have a 15 year old daughter I feel hates me. I was never married to her abusive father, however her father was in prison for 7 years for assult not just on myself but other women he lived with. I since have met and married a man who was in the Navy. I had to leave for Spain for 2 years and left my daughters here with their dad only because he had just gotton out of prison and wanted to catch up with them. Both daughters agreed they wanted to be with their dad til I got back. I would fly back and fourth every 3 months to be with them. Ok here is what I don't understand, why is it that my 15 year old favors her dad despite the fact that he was in prison for 7 years and while they lived with him he beat her with the belt so hard that she was bruised for weeks? Now I have asked my daughter that I didn't want her seeing a boy that is a bad influence on her and she gets upset and decides to live with her dad. What do I do? Where did I go wrong?
2007-08-05 07:06:21 · 14 answers · asked by Ang D 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You went wrong when you left her with her abusive father.
2007-08-05 07:09:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all one of the peculiar ironies of abuse particularly in children is that they gravitate toward the abuser. There are many explanations for this and sometimes it is a combination of them. None of them involve degrees of love for one parent or the other.
Second children go through phases in which they gravitate toward the parent of the opposite gender as part of the development, hence the clichés’ daddy’s girl and mommy’s boy.
Third teens often play one parent off the other (frequently successfully) to get what they want and more so with separated parents.
Fourth you had been her constant and then turned her over to all practical purposes a stranger while you went away with a new man. Though you thought you were doing the best thing for her she may have some trust issues with you now.
Additionally it is very possible that she feels that you don’t like or want her as you left her with her bio-dad while you were away. Children often create answers to questions that they have rather than asking. In most cases those answers involve blaming them selves somehow.
Perhaps it is time to get someone professional or at least neutral involved and have some heart to heart conversations with her. Are you still with your Navy man and is he still in the Navy? Is so you can go to Family Services for free.
2007-08-05 07:37:23 · answer #2 · answered by navmom1995 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't do anything wrong . Ive had a very similar , very very similar problem . It not your fault , she going to hate you no matter what , shes a girl at that age . If you let her do whatever she wants shell turn out to be like her dad , and then shell blame you . If you are strict on her , well you know . Shell just be a typical kid. In my occurrence , it took my stepdaughter tell she was 18 and living with her dad finally to realize how good we were to her and how easy her life was compared to now , cuz her dad is also a loser. Shes now working her butt off at a job and trying to get her own apt with her friends. Just don't give up , don't let her leave either , she needs your guidance and strength , otherwise she well screw up her life . You have to remember kids mentality's , "its always greener on the other side " " it wont happen to me " and "what can you do for me " . I know you already know this , but your the parent . Everything in that house is yours , and if your kids want to be jerks , take the thing they love the most away . Phones, Computers , Freedom . Good Luck
2007-08-05 07:23:44 · answer #3 · answered by Jay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She wants someone to be with her on a permanent basis and kids will except that even if it's in an abusive situation. The father may also let her run freely. Almost all kids would prefer to do what they want, when they want to, even if they know it's bad for them.
I hope you are home permanently, because if you do get her back, it's going to take time and a lot of work to reverse what has been done. Does he have legal custody? You need to go to court, prove him unfit, and regain full custody again.
Custody first, then start working on the healing process. You have you work cut out for you. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-08-05 07:13:09 · answer #4 · answered by Jennifer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter loves her father unconditionally, prison or not. She may feel that you left her for 2 years with her father and now you are calling him a bad father.
It sounds like your daughter forgives her father for the one instance of the belt. She probably knows what she did was wrong and accepted the punishment.
Let her decide what she wants to do. All you can do is be a supportive parent. Hey you chose her father...she didn't.
I'm sorry...I know this isn't what you want to hear.
2007-08-05 07:12:00 · answer #5 · answered by C D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You went wrong when you allowed your daughters to live with their ABUSIVE dad for two years. That was stupid. You're daughter is now completely brainwashed and she's old enough to make a decision about who she lives with, so you have no say in the matter anymore. Sorry.
2007-08-05 07:13:15 · answer #6 · answered by S. Elizabeth 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you did what you felt was right for them. She is a teenager and teenagers don't like authority.
Perhaps the beatings by her father is worth being able to do what she wants, when she wants. Does he set rules in his house and make her follow them?? If not, that is why she went.
Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong. She is old enough to know that she is not making good decisions for herself right now. The best thing you can do, is allow her to make her mistakes and live with her father.....but be there to pick her up when her world falls apart.
Do I think she should live with her Dad?? No way. But unless you have full custody, there is nothing you can really do. If she is going to live in your house, she needs to follow your rules or suffer the consequences.
She is not making good decisions, but she is only 15. If living with her father is not the best thing for her, you need to get her back and enroll her in therapy. Teenagers will be teenager, but that does not give her the right to choose who she will live with and what she can do with her life. It's up to YOU to make the best decision for her!
2007-08-05 07:13:53 · answer #7 · answered by endo_chic 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First I never would have went to Spain. It shows your priorities were not with the girls but your new husband--to them anyway. Personally I never would have with his history of prison especially for abuse--allow them but a few horus with him until proven which might take years. Abuse is a cycle, 3 stages and they all love their abuser because mentally they were programmed to. I suggest you read the following.
2007-08-05 07:17:03 · answer #8 · answered by frizzle1229 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't have let your daughters go stay with their father...He sounds like a total jerk...or was one...Depends on whether he has really rehabbed himself or not...Also, it sounds like you probably didn't discipline them at all, which always manifests itself in a negative way when they are older...They are doing what they want because you never had rules for them...Now, when they are older, they are going to rebel about rules...
2007-08-05 07:19:40 · answer #9 · answered by Terry C. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You let her have a choice in the matter. You're being too passive to counter her father's aggressiveness. You need to know that you can be firm in your dealings with her without them being construed as aggressive, and this is how you need to behave with her.
2007-08-05 07:11:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋