I love my fiance more than anything, but she is a slob. How do I help her to change her behavior?

Question

My fiance is one of the worst slobs I have ever seen. She doesn't know how to clean, I do all of the laundry as well as all of the cleaning including dishes. I work about 12 to 14 hours a day, so I value my free time. I find my self cleaning the house from top to bottom, once every week including the laundry. What makes it worse is that we ahve an 18 month old little boy. I normally have to watch him on the weekends because she works. She only works about 30 hours a week, the rest of her time is free since she takes the baby to daycare ( the weekends are part of the 30 hour week ).

Everytime I bring up the cleaning thing, she gets defensive and we start to fight. A lot of her slobbyness can be prevented by actually just paying attention to little things like cleaning up after herself after a meal, etc. The bathroom is the worst part.

What can I do here??? I need help!!!! Please let me know your suggestions. Any ideas would be of great assistance.

Answer 1

The only thing you can do is set a good example and hope she follows. It will be slow at best.
You also have to make a choice; if this is going to make you despise her eventually, then you will be making a terrible mistake by marrying her. If this won't be an issue, then forgive her for this fault and value her virtues.

Answer 2

OMG Sorry I am laughing but my husband and I were the same way when we met. He thought I was the biggest slob and he was a neat freak in my eyes. We had many of screaming matches over how to clean something. We have been together for 14 years so don't give up. If I look back now I have to be honest and say I really didn't know how to clean a house when I met him. I was 23 years old and had a live in maid when we met. He had been married with 2 kids. I tried cleaning the house and it seemed like it was never good enough for him so of course I got very defensive, I thought the house looked clean therefore it was. Try not to put down or talk down to your fiance. Instead of doing all of the work yourself ask her to help you. Don't correct her if she doesn't do it the exact same way that you would have done it. We all have different cleaning styles. As long as the house is clean who really cares if you dusted first or vacummed first. In the grand scheme of things it isn't really important. I am still a slob and my husband is a neat freak. While my house is clean it is not spotless. We compromise. I have my own bathroom and he has his own bathroom. I can leave my bathroom any way I want and he can clean his until you can eat off the floor if he wants. Life is way to short to be fighting about dirt. About once a month I will get a wild hair up my butt and do a real good cleaning. Okay why lie it sometimes is more like once every 3 months. My brother had the same problem with his wife too. She would eat something and leave the dirty dishes (I don't do that) he got tired of picking them up. So he left it where it was. It sat there for a week, He finally got fed up and picked it up and put it on her pillow. Green fungus in the bowl and all. She got the point and now picks up her bowls. Sit down and talk. You two are engaged to be married. Marriage is a lot of give and take and a lot of talking. Tell her how you feel and why you feel this way. Ask her how she feels and really listen to why she feels this way. But most important don't sweat the small stuff. If this is the worse thing that you and she go through consider yourself blessed. Good luck

Answer 3

I have bad news for you....You are most likely either going to have to live with it, or leave it. I say that because she certainly doesn't sound like she wants to change. She will only change if SHE wants to, not because you want her to. I got myself into the same situation a long time ago. At the end of the marriage, I was 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child, the first child was almost 2, I was working 60 hours a week, I was putting my husband through college, (4 hours a day and he didnt work). By the time I got home from work each night, I spent 4-5 hours cleaning up the trash he left around all day. I exhausted myself into the hospital, my lungs collapsed, I had an asthma attack for the first time in my life, I almost lost my child, I was hospitalized for 2 weeks and all this was brought on by stress. Well, it is now 23 years later, we've been divorced for that long, I am happy, healthy, he is still living the same way, but with his mom. End of story. You could learn a lot from this. They just don't change. But good luck and God Bless you...

Answer 4

You have to understand that this isn't her fault. It's the way she was brought up. If her mother was in the picture, she didn't tech her child to make her bed, hang up her clothes, and keep her room clean. She wasn't taught how to do laundry, it was always just magically done for her. So she really doesn't understand that someone has to clean the toilet, dust the house, etc. etc. etc.. You have to sit her down and have a mature conversation with no yelling and no arguing. If she can't understand all of this, you'll either have to get a housekeeper (because you just cannot be doing this for life!) or you have to think about whether you want to marry this girl. Something like this can become a huge problem if you get married. I'm 53, and have been there. I always tell people to please listen to this advice: On your wedding day you should have NO DOUBTS. If you do, it just won't work. So if she get can't get in her head the concept of housecleaning, she might not be the girl for you. If you fight a lot, she really might not be the girl for you. See if you can sit her down, and have that quiet ,mature conversation about teaching her about housecleaning. That's my advice. I hope I helped in some way. Good luck to you. You sound like a great guy. You derserve a good wife. :)

Answer 5

Stop doing so much around the house - like house work etc. Thats the only way she may see how much work you do cleaning up. If she leaves something out - like clothes or a dirty plate, just leave it there. Once it has been there for a certain amount of time you have the right to say to her, look love you think that you are clean but this plate etc has been here for x amount of time and Im guesssing that you havnt noticed or you would have picked it up by now. Maybe she just hasnt realised how dirty she is.

Answer 6

First accept that that is the way she is. I am a bit messy too. And my fiancé has spoken to me about it. It is a weird catch 22.

- If you try to talk to her about it, she will react, most likely, like she did to her parents. So, you have to learn how to show her what you want.

- Try to see how much you would be doing if she wasn't there, be grateful for what she does do. I mean ideally we all work together, but sometimes this helps.

- Part of my sloppiness came because I did allot of work around the farm growing up, and the more I did, the more I was asked to do. I cleaned barn and house, milked 2 x's a day, 7 days a week, fed the animals, washed dishes and clothes, buried the ones that died .... it is something of a defense on my part.

- start backward. Talk about your dreams and inspirations, and hers individually and as a family. Then working backwards, map out the steps that you need to take to get there, all the way to now. Often we can see a clean invironment really helps. 7 Habits has some good tools for this. http://www.franklincovey.com/fc/library_and_resources/mission_statement_builder It has helped me very much.

- Hire a house keeper.

- She may be tired after children, I was. It can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining. This leads to depression. So, be nice and take care of her. My fiancé treats me really well, makes sure I rest enough, and eat, and exercise he constantly encourages me to meet my own aims .... and doesn't complain too much. For this, I adore him, in adoring him I want to give him more, so I try harder. ALSO, try to see what she does do.

My fiancé just won 2nd place in the international jazz harp competition. He tells me, that without my belief in him, my encouragement and pushing he might not of made it there as fast as he did. He sees this as something better than me being neat .....

Develop patience.

best of luck,
star spinner

Answer 7

How long have you been with her? If she is that much of a slob you probably knew that going into the relationship. Getting someone to change is hard. I am one of those 'slobs' and changing the tendency to mess things up is hard but a very realistic and necessary that to do. I agree that a messy house is not a good thing.
BUT
blaming and comparing work time is not the answer.

You will need to sit down with her and come up with a game plan. You will need to calmly explain to her that you do not like a cluttered home and that the state of your home is bothering you. You need to validate her feelings and understand that she is probably used to clutter and doesn't mind it. That being said a compromise is going to be required.

Sit down together and come to a compromise. You do some household chores and she will do some. Work as a team, try to make it fun.

Answer 8

Why don't you talk to a doctor about obsessive compulsive disorder. Being obsessively tidy is a fault too.

It looks like she is juggling quite a bit with a job and a baby. I'm sure she is not sitting around eating bon bons while you are working 12 to 14 hours a day

People don't get better, they only get worse. She is who she is. If you can't live with it you better get out now because trying to change her will make her hate you.

Besides, she probably has many good qualities you are overlooking because you are focusing on her sloppiness.

And I seriously doubt you are doing all the work.

Answer 9

When my husband doesn't pick up after himself, like dishes and dirty socks, I leave it there. I stay at home with our 3 month old, so my job is the house and laundry, but I am not his maid. He knows that if his dirty clothes are not in the hamper, then they do not get washed. Plenty of mornings he has woken up to go to work with no clean boxers and socks. He gets pissed, but I remind him of the "rules". I have left a bowl on the counter for 5 days, all he needs to do is put it in the sink. Its gross to start out, but it works, believe me.

Answer 10

i think you should stop doing the housework. clean your dishes, clean your clothes and the baby's clothes and vacuum only the areas of the house that you use. when she starts to run out of clothes, maybe she will get the message. once she has the message, then sit down with her and write out a chore list - list everything that needs to be done on a daily and weekly basis - and figure out who is going to do. If it does not get done when it is supposed to, there needs to be some sort of punishment (like one of you gets a night out by yourself and the other has to stay at home with the baby, or something that works for you)