Is it wise to celebrate the adoption day with adopted children?

Question

My niece has had a large party for her 4yr old every year to celebrate the day she was adopted and calls it her " heart day." This year the 4yr old acted funny about it and my niece was wondering if she is feeling too singled out. She has a new 6mo. old brother from mommys tummy and asked if he would have a heart day. The question is , does this show a seperation that could make a difference in the way both children will feel?

Answer 1

I believe it is truly dependent on the family and the way the child reacts. I would try to make it a "family day" when other non-adopted children are involved - spend the day doing something special as a family, etc., so that no one feels left out.

However, my son is an only child, and we do celebrate our welcome home day because it is special to us and we want our 4 yr old to understand that adoption is a beautiful thing - not something to be ashamed or embarrassed of. We typically will spend the day doing something together, have a favorite meal, and he gets a small gift from Mommy & Daddy. Nothing elaborate, but enough to make him realize how special he is to us and our family.

Answer 2

There is no right answer for this as it depends on the family structure. However, the celebration including a party, I think, is for the parents with subtle exclusion of the pain associated with any adoption. Many adoptive parents push back that pain part of the triad. With every adoption there is also a loss. Children who have come into a forever family with adoption being the route have suffered a loss - even if they have come to the family as an infant. The adopted child has lost their biological roots and sometimes also their heritage and all connection to their country of origin. To make a celebration out of this day that also includes much pain, I think, is really inappropriate. to make that celebration more private and low key depending on the circumstances might be ok. But as this child grows and begins to understand the circumstances of the entry into the family (whatever they are) can be a painful reminder of all that was lost in becoming part of their family. I think it is extremely important for parents of children who came to their families through adoption to be ever mindful of the loss component and to discuss and support their child in the exploration of that loss.

Answer 3

I don't think that it singles out the 4 yr old. I was adopted and my family still recognizes the day that my adoption was finalized, even though I am married and have children of my own. The celebration was never over the top, a special dinner or activity with the immediate family. It is always a special day for me. The adopted child will always know that she was chosen. That is how I always looked at it. Anyway, I never felt my parents felt any different about me. I just came into their lives in a different way.

Answer 4

I believe it is important to celebrate the adoption day, and even to say "I could not actually be there on the day you were born so our family likes to also remember the day you came to us." Such a celebration, which could be large or small but needs to be personal and special, is going to naturally have an evolving meaning to the child and other family members as she grows. Children naturally will learn that there are many different things that make them special and that they are valued highly.

I think she is probably at an age that she is just now figuring out what it means to be adopted, and probably has the normal sibling rivalry feelings towards the new brother, as well as questions about pregnancy and babies. I would really recommend that the family pick out some of the excellent children's books about adoption at their local library, there are numerous resources out there.

Answer 5

I would suggest she ask the child how she feels about the Heart Day celebration. It may be more appropritate to do something smaller with just the immediate family now that the child has some understanding of this day. It may also be a time to tell the story of how she came to be part of the family - and to discuss what they know of her birth mother.

For my kids (who were older at adoption) this day also is the anniversary of some HUGE losses in their lifes. We had our first Family Day but we just went out to Brunch. We did not really call it a celebration - but I celebrated these amazing kids in my heart.

I don't think she should just ignore it - you can not pretend that there is no difference between the way the Bio child and she came into the family.

Answer 6

The occasion should definitely not be ignored, but this is NOT the right way to go about acknowledging it. It should not be a party like a birthday party. We will have our first "Forever Family" day in September. We plan to start a tradition of making it a family togetherness day for our immediate family: no extended family, friends, or gifts. We will watch video and look at pictures of the day, do something special together as an immediate family, probably go out to eat. As far as siblings feeling included, celebrating it as a day the family joined together makes it much less stigmatizing for the adopted child and more inclusive of the biological child. The bio child will be part of the family togetherness activities.

Answer 7

Building a family through adoption IS special. No matter what the adoption circumstances are it is part of their life and should be celebrated.

Will it single her out? Yes, and it should, but only on "heart day". The rest of the year it's "family as usual." I think biological children would even agree to that.

It's a choice the parents make and it doesn't matter what outsiders think. Since you've already started celebrating I think you should continue.

Answer 8

I think it was a great idea by the mom! It showed how much she loved this special little girl! However, now that she is showing some discomfort with the idea of this special party-it probably is time to stop them. Maybe instead this could be a private day where mommy gets a babysitter for the new baby and just takes her daughter on a special shopping trip or the park.

Answer 9

I think that it is a good thing, but some children may get to feeling funny about it. If that is the case, maybe just have a small family gathering a family meal.

We plan on celebrating our adopted childrens adoption day!

Answer 10

A friend of My family adopted a baby girl and they celebrate her adoption day. She has no problem with it and actually looks forward to it. But My family adopted 2 girls and they would rather not celebrate it because, like you say, they feel too singled out. I think it depends on the child. They may be okay with it, and they may not. Its a tough thing to ask the opinion of a small child but and older child may have an opinion on it.