Have you any good religious jokes to lighten up this section?

Question

Here are two courtesy of Emo Phillips:

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. So I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

Answer 1

my 8 yr old daughter star gazeing with dad hevae must look beuitful dad why 8 yr old because if thats what the bottom looks like you can imagin the top love dad and at church she tell her brother not to talk in church he ask why she said you see those guys in suits there HUSHERS

Answer 2

A nun walks into a bar, almost deafened by the loud music, and disconcerted by the Cheer's every time the lights flicker.
She asks the bar man were the toilet is, in the toilets there's a statue of a saint with a strategically placed plak thanking someone for the presentation of the statue, she thought "that's strange", but did what she had to and left. Every-one cheered at her & as the nun walked passed the barman he offered her a free drink saying "since your one of us you can have this drink on the house" The nun looks surprised and points out that she can't drink, she's a real nun. The bar man then sais, "when people lift the plack on the statue the lights go out."

Answer 3

Got one:

In an accident, two men die and end up at heaven's gates. One's a pope, the other's a lawyer.

So, they walk up to St-Peter who announces that they've been admitted to Heavens. He asks the two to follow him so he can show them where they'll spend the rest of Eternity.

Heaven's actually a long set of corridors and doors. Eventually, St-Peter stops at a door and tells the lawyer he'll spend the rest of eternity behind this door.

St-Peter invites them both inside for a tour. It's incredible, behind the door is a huge palace of gold and silver. It has a golf course, a spa and a million things that makes it the most incredible place either of them have ever seen.

St-Peter congratulates the lawyer and takes the pope back outside. As they keep on going, the pope thinks: "Wow, if that's the reward a lawyer can get, I can't wait to see what I'll get!"

So they move along the endless corridors until they finally arrive.

The pope is all excited as St-Peter opens the door.

The pope is shocked! It's a tiny loft, barely larger than a broom closet! There's an old TV with broken bunny-ears, an old sofa that looks like it's been chewed by moths and we won't even talk about the bathroom!

The pope can't help but be furious at St-Peter: "Hey! How come the lawyer gets that fancy place and I end up in this cap-shack?!?"

St-Peter shakes his head in apology: "Sorry, you holiness... You see, we're short on space, and it so happens that we've got plenty of popes... but only 1 lawyer made it up here..."

Answer 4

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Answer 5

Timmy was doing very badly in school, especailly math, so his mom pulled him out of public school and sent him to the local Catholic School.

The first day, when he got home from school, he ran into his room, slammed the door shut and did his math homework. Mom was impressed, but didn't expect it to last. But the next night, Timmy did the same thing. For two months, every night, little Timmy came home and worked dutifully on his homework!

Impressed, mom went to Parent-Teacher Conferences to find out what had caused such a change. "Do you use spankings? Hit him with a ruler?" No, the gentle nun replied. He sits quietly and does his math work. The mom is puzzled.

She goes home and says "Timmy, why did you change so much at the new school? The nuns don't punish you or threaten you - so why the new attitude?" Timmy said "First day of school, I came in and knew they weren't messing around when I saw the guy nailed to a "plus" sign."

Answer 6

I've told this one before but that's ok.
A teacher is talking to a class full of little kids. She's telling them that it's physically impossible for whales to eat people. One little boy in the back pipes up and says, "That's not true. Jonas was swallowed by a whale." The teacher explains that that's not possible and they go on like this for awhile before the little boy finally says, "Well when I get to heaven I'll ask him." So the teacher asks, "What if Jonas isn't in heaven?" To which the little boy replys, "Well then YOU ask him!"

Answer 7

Leader of the HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

Answer 8

Three men go to church for confession.

The first says "I vandalized public property"
The priest forgave him and said "You may drink from the holy water"

The second says "I stole a bicycle from a little boy"
the priest forgives him and tells him to drink from the holy water.

Then the priest asks the third one "What did you do?"
To this the man replies "I pissed in the holy water"

Answer 9

I like Emo and the "plus sign". Here's an old favorite limerick:

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who buggered the boys while confirming 'em
While down on their knees
He'd conduct his sleeze
And leave his episcopal sperm in 'em

Answer 10

A priest and a rabbi go to a boxing match. The challenger comes to the ring and before he gets in the ring, makes the sign of the cross with his gloved hand and kisses it. The rabbi asks the priest,"What does that sign mean?" Priest says, "Nothing, if he doesnt know how to box."