My dad is dying. I haven't seen him in 13 years. Advice?

Question

Hi,
This is A tricky one. My parents split up when I was 14 and I lived with my dad for a few years. He then remarried and one day, whilst I was at college, he wrote to me to ask me not to ever come home again. That was thirteen years ago and I have had no contact at all with him since then.
A lot of water has passed under the bridge, and all of the hurt and anger I felt back then has faded away.
My brother, who still sees my dad, sent me an email to tell me that he is dying. He had a hear attack a few years ago but now he has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. He has been given between 3 months and 2 years to ive. He hasn't asked to see me or even asked my brother to tell me about him, so I feel very confused.
In the 13 years that have passed, I have got a new life. I am married and have a 2 year old daughter. I would like to see him before he dies, but worry that he will turn me away, and I do not feel that I could handle the rejection again. Any advice welcomed.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear that!

I'd email your brother and get more information about the situtation. see what their take is on it. This informatin could help you decide what to do.

Ultimately, thought it would be extremely difficult, I would want to see my dad at least once before he pass on. Just to say goodbye.

It comes down to what would be harder... Not seeing him and living with the regret of not trying (perhaps you would have reconsiled). Or trying and being turned way (as difficult as that is) you know that you made an effort and don't have to live with regret.

There is a chance that you will reconsile, but you'll never know unless you go and see him. There is a good chance, that he's had a change of heart, since he is dying. He'll have regrets too. Dying changes people and they see thing differently.

Take a chance, and know that you will be stronger either way.

Answer 2

If you want to see him, then you should.
If you're a big enough person to forgive him for that horrible thing he said, then kudos to you for that.
Go ahead and go see him, make your peace. Maybe even get some unanswered questions resolved. I say this only because if he does pass, you can't go back for a "do over".
What can you live with? Do you think that it will haunt you forever if you don't go? (No pun intended).
What you may want to do before you actually decide is write him a letter. See if he responds to you, and what the response is like. In fact, if you are close to your brother when/if you get a response have him read it first and let you know if it's positive or negative. I would think that he would want to see you, but if he does not, as much as it hurts you may have to accept that not all parents are good ones. There are some bad apples out there. It's important that you know that. Unless you did some unspeakable thing,(not saying that you did, just another angle) then there should be no reason why he should not want you to come.
If you decide to send a letter why not include a picture of your child? Sometimes grandchildren can melt even the coldest of hearts.

Answer 3

That is real hard and I am truly sorry for all your pain over the years. I can't tell you what to do or what I think you should do but, I know that even though he turned you away back then, you obviously still love the man cause your torn. Me and my father never got along, told me I was stupid and ugly my whole life, and he had a major surgery a few months ago and I didn't know what to do either. I thought to myself, even if I go see him and he tells me to get out, I would be the bigger person cause I made an effort, and what if by some chance he will apologize for everything and say that he loves me, I could never forgive myself for missing that opportunity. Also no matter what he sais, you will be a stronger person just for going. Trust me, I know thta if he rejects you again the pain will eat you up, but you got to look deep in your heart and ask yourself if it's worth the pain. I wish I could help you more but if you decide to go I'm sure your husband will be there for you.

Answer 4

Hi
I know how you feel my farther kicked me out over 30 years ago and said very much the same as yours did, I have not had any contact with him or my brothers and sister during that time, I was told last week that both my parants are now dead and I feel sad that I did not have the time to say goodbye.

So I guess I would advise you to try and make contact if you get turned away at least you can say you tried, if you dont it will alway be in the back of you mind "what if"

Good luck which ever way you go

Answer 5

Oh, sweetie, that is such a very sad story. You certainly are a strong person to be able to recover from a rejection like that and be able to build a happy life.

I agree with everyone else. Go see your dad. You need to be able to live the rest of your life knowing you did the right thing, not matter what reception you get when you visit him. Though I can't believe he would reject you again, and most probably is too scared to ask for you due to the terrible way he treated you all those years ago.

You've got a strong heart. I am sure you will make the right decision.
xx

Answer 6

I lost my dad three years ago to cancer, its a very unpleasant death, my dad wanted the whole family around him at this time and i have heard other people say the same thing, so if you can go and see him as you say its been a long time a lot of water under the bridge what ever happen thirteen years ago is long gone, go and make peace with your dad before its too late,else you will regret not going. By the way my dad was give three months to live but lasted a fortnight, so don't leave it too long before making your mind up.

Answer 7

did he ever say why he told you not to come??? 13 years wow thats a long time. i think nomatter what happens this is your only biological dad and i thin you should go and see him. 13 years is long and he may not have asked bout you because he was afraid you would be very angry and not want to talk to him. but you say your not so for the sake of seeing your dad once more before he dies and for the sake of giving your self peace you should go and see him. what if the real he never called/emailed/asked about you was because he was being prideful and even scared, you dont wnt to loose your dad knowing that it was all a mistake and you could have went back and seen him but because of fear of rejection you didn't, is that worth it? frear. the worst that can happen is that he'll tell you to go again but at leas then you'll know he hasnt changed and for wahtever reason he told you then he's saying it again. but if does go good atleast you made the right choice you saw your dad and now there's a chance for your daughter to know her grandfather. take the chance he didnt and attempt to change your relationship.

Answer 8

some will not like my answer on here:
i would say sod him.
how dare he tell you never to go around there again , your his son a dad should be able to find it in his heart to forgive you, if you did anything wrong.
he does not deserve to see you, he sounds a very evil man who could turn on you and have one last stab at you to hurt you and effect the rest of your life before he dies.

or even if he is nice to you it would just make him feel better for the nasty thing he did to you all them years ago i would not give him the pleasure.

you have a life and a family of your own what more do you need.

for get him and get on with your own life he sounds like he is not worth a second thought.

what as he done for you in 13 years? your brother must a told him you was marred, you have a bane, so he will know and he never even made the effort to see his grandchild or make the peace.

i would not even go to the funeral and if ask why i would say he was a strange i never knew him and he was not my father.

sorry if you and others do not like the answer but you did ask a question to which i gave you my honest answer

regards x Kitti x

Answer 9

My dad just died a few weeks ago. I hadn't talked to him in about 2 1/2 years and I hadn't seen him for almost 5 years. I'm 17, 18 in November. I never really got a chance to know him, but for the last 7-8 months, I've been planning to move closer to him after I graduated. Now that I'll never get a chance to talk to him, I wish I had kept in contact with him more. Your father loves you. Don't let him die without letting him know that you love him. He may not reconnect with you, but he will remember you contacting him, seeing him and it will give him some comfort that his son didn't hate him. If you don't try, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I know I will.

Answer 10

I would go see him. Yes, he is your father, more over you need to make peace with that chapter of your life. Regardless of what happens you need to do this for yourself. For him to write you and tell you not to come home ever again. Something took place that you are not telling. Nor should you have to, but the only way to keep this issue from eating at you. Is to cowboy the f#ck-up and go see him. You are no longer the kid you were at collage. Rejection? you have your own family to think of. Be the bigger person. Take your family with you. Show him what he missed out on, namely his grand-child. If he does turn you away. Then at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried. There is no shame in that. Other wise you going to allow the guilt of not trying to fester in your mind like a cancer.