Step-kids misbehaving....how should they be disciplined?

Question

My friend has been watching her boyfriend's 2 kids (girl-7 & boy-9) while he is at work all day. Her first time really being alone and responsible for them. The girl just does not mind and will do exactly what she's told not to do. Won't eat anything but junk food and constantly makes messes....the boy cusses directly at his sister, pulls her hair... the two together are almost an embarrassment to take into public. When dads at home (at night before bed and one full day per week) he does little if any disciplining for their behavior. What should my friend do???

Answer 1

I became a Stepmother to my 2 stepchildren when the were 12 and 15, I was also their principle at school.

It is hard, but if the relatonship is serious and she is incharge then she should discipline then. I expected my step kids to misbehave, but I warned them if they did when their fater was away that I would punish them, and I kept to my promise, but I had discussed this already with my husband, and we had decided that I could punish his kids, and he could punish my daughter, they had to get used to it, especially as he worked shifts and their were often times I would be alone with all of the kids or he would be alone with all of the kids.

If she dosent start discipling them now, God help her when they are teens.

She should discuss this with her BF, and get him to make it clear to his kids, that he stands by her, and if the kids need punished then she can do it.

Answer 2

I don't see a huge discipline issue here, since you say t hey are otherwise good kids and are doing well in school. What I do see are health issues involving weight, eating habits, and possibly self esteem. Girls that age, especially those who are insecure about their appearance, sometimes try to improve their self esteem by being considered sexy by boys. That can have very bad consequences. On the other hand, the tight pants may be nothing more than a fashion trend that her peer group has adopted. Many women are wearing them now. While you and her sister may not dress that way, her role models are probably not you. She is more likely to follow her friends and peer group. Encourage her to get involved in activities that are good for her physical and emotional health and that will introduce her to a positive peer group. Sports can be very good for that - as long as the others on the team are accepting and supportive and model good attitudes and behaviors. Watch her for a while. This may be a stage that passes, but if she becomes too obsessed with boys or sexiness, talk to a counselor. And for sure help her make good food choices and encourage her to keep exercising.

Answer 3

Your friend has two options: Take note....

First option:

Tell her boyfriend that he needs to get a babysitter for his two children...

Second option:

Sit the boyfriend down and the kids and explain to them, under no certain circumstances will you continue to allow the behavior that has been present since you've begun watching the children. Explain to them that disrespect will result in consequences and punishment. The cussing has got to stop, the pulling hair, the junk food etc..wil cease right now. If they cannot comply, you will call him on his job to have him come home to take care of his kids himself. If he refuses, you will call CPS or thier mother to come and pick them up...

discipline of these types of children have to be HARD because it seems that they haven't had the opportunity to be raised properly and respectfully. someone needs to step in and change the situation.

Do you need me to do this?

Answer 4

First dad must say that your friend is an adult and has to be obeyed just like dad does. Whatever she says goes. The kids don't respect her because she doesn't have the authority. Then you can work on the discipline.

Men have a hard time with handling discipline, they usually use too much or none. You have to let the kids be free to be kids, and sometimes that means the make messes, but they should also help clean up those messes.

Food: The kids eat what is put in front of them and what they can get at. If there is no junk food in the house then they can't eat the junk food. So first dad has to buy the right food, and he has to be shown how to do that. Then the kids have to be offered the food and no other junk food choices. At first they will rebel and refuse to eat it, then they will starve a little bit. Don't worry a human is designed to go for a while without food, we eat about 3 times as much as we need to live. So before the health affects of starvation hits the habit effects of starvation getting three meals a day will kick in first. Eventually, the kids will eat the food put in front of them. They will complain and fuss, but they won't have a choice.

Cussing is not just insulting the sister it is insulting the family. Think about it bitches or bastards are people who didn’t have parents. So when he is insulting his sister he is insulting his father as well. Explain that to him. The other words that I can’t name all have meanings because they shock. In my house, when I was a kid darn was as good as damn and I didn’t get punished for using it. The child has to be caught cussing and punished each time he uses the word and the rest of the family can’t use the word either. If dad cusses, then his son will cuss. The major way children learn is by intimidation. I am sure the boy doesn’t know the real meaning of half the words he uses, he just hears other people using them. He is too young to understand then and doesn’t need an explanation. I don’t know how religious the family is but cussing is a sin; it harms people. It also goes against the commandment “thou shall not take my name in vain.” Another words you can’t use God as a curse, nor hell or damnation, those powers are reserved for God. You see you start logically providing some answers and you can eliminate some of the words; at least those words that can be understood.

Kids push their limits as much as they can. They need to know what they can and cannot do so they push, and they will push right up to those limits and often just a little beyond to try and expand them. They have to be watched closely and disciplined every time they break the boundary and do something they shouldn’t do. This discipline requires that EVER adult in their lives is applying the same standards. If daddy doesn’t do his job then any efforts made by anyone else are pointless. When the child is on there own they will revert to the worst behavior.

Disciplining children in public is hard; often you can be accused of child abuse. So hitting the child isn’t a good idea. But, they need a shock to the system. Try laughing; “Look at the funny boy, hey everyone look at the little boy. He looks real funny doesn’t he?” Say it loud, the crowd is going to hear the child any way. Use something like this either embarrassment or shame to discipline the child. Then tell them that it is THEIR BEHAVIOR that you object to, not the child. Making fun of foolish behavior is not too far out of line. No one tries this method so you may feel like a fool, but it will work for the first few times. It will as big a shock as a sudden tug on a child’s arm; which could break or dislocate the child’s arm.

Hitting is never a good idea; children who are abused will become abusers; that’s a fact. However, sometimes when the child is this bad a spanking is necessary. You have to get the children to the point where they will be behaved enough so that reasonable punishments will work.

You have to be inventive with the punishments. One good way is deprivation; you can’t play the X-Box, you can’t watch TV, you can’t have desert… This won’t hard the child and it can drive the point home if done enough. If the child has an X-box and TV in their room then they may have to be pulled out, or you can take away the controllers. If you take away the wire that connects the TV to the cable or the VCR, etc. then the TV is pretty useless.

The biggest problem is that discipline has to be constant and consistent If the boy pulls the little girls hair then he can’t play X-Box for an hour, if he does it again then it is two hours and so on. Dad has to do it, you have to do it and your friend has to do it. If not the child will always resort to the worst behavior allowed and say, “But, daddy lets me do it.”

If you force the kids to help clean up their messes, and I mean getting out a paper towel, a cleanser and wiping the counter clean; then they are less likely to make those messes. In my family the kids had to vacuum their own rooms and do their own laundry as soon as they were able to handle the job. We were expected to keep up with it and later were assigned tasks to do in the common area. I had to take out the garbage each night. My mom my have to remind me every night, but it was my job. She would let me postpone it long enough for the commercial, if I asked, but at that commercial I had better get moving. Discipline was tight in my family and we didn’t misbehave very often, but my parents never hit us; at least not as soon as they could start reasoning with us. Hitting a baby to push his had away from the hot stove is not so much a punishment as a safety move. It would be better for the child to connect touch stove = hit rather than touch stove = burn and the week to heal from it. The reason why discipline could be tight without hitting is due to our parent’s expectations from us. They were high and they were quick to respond to any obvious breach. My mother was proud to take the 3 of us out to eat in a restaurant, and even as 8-10 year olds we behaved well. If not then mom would grab my face and tell me to behave or else. The or else could be a grounding or similar punishment, I didn’t try and find out very often because I knew she didn’t make threats she made promises. If I misbehaved then as sure as water flows downhill I would be punished.

Dad is going to be the toughest part of this and the one most likely to give the children slack so he can avoid their crying. Giving in to a child when they are bad is only rewarding that behavior. If the child cries for candy at the grocery store, then when the parent gives him some to shut him up he will learn that this is acceptable behavior to get the candy he wants in the future. He will also apply it to other situations. If he learns that he is going to get laughed at, sent to his room when he gets home, or otherwise punished then he is going to realize that throwing a tantrum isn’t going to work so it isn’t a good plan.

I am proud that I never had a curfew, when I was a teenager, and on one date to the prom I didn’t’ get back until almost 5:00 am. But, by then my parents knew they could trust me, I was in a group of people that they knew and trusted, and I was at an adult sponsored event. If I went out they always knew where I was going, who I was going to be with, and when and how I would get back.

Answer 5

Their father needs to take responsiblity for HIS children rather than expecting his GIRLFRIEND to raise them. Secondly...if all they eat when they are there is junk food...DON'T BRING JUNK FOOD INTO THE HOUSE. If it isn't there they can't get into it. As for taking care of them while dad is at work. Dad should either start taking his vacation time when the kids are there or hiriging a sittter. Girlfriend doesn't mean built in babysitter.

Answer 6

Boyfriend and the step-mom needs to sit down as a unit and talk to the kids about what the rules are. They need to also discuss the consequences- and be firm. Then, when they act up no matter who is home, the consequences will be reinforced. Likewise, if the step-mom is put in charge, the dad needs to tell the kids that when he is home, she is in charge.

Answer 7

The boyfriend needs to take responsibility in disciplining them. If she does it, she will not be accepted by them. They are too old for a new woman to all of a sudden start disciplining them without the support of their father.

Answer 8

My step son acts like that with me. I finally told his dad that he cannot leave the child here when he's gone. I asked him over and over to help, and he doesn't want to be the bad guy, so whatever, if he wants his kid to be a punk, fine, but he can't do it here. BTW, after that, Dad is getting with the program. I also told Dad that the bottom line is this kid is going to straighten up or Dad and I are going to split up! Your friend is being a doormat to these kids. She needs to stand up for herself and lay down the law. Dad needs to step up. I finally came to the realization that if he allows his kid to talk to me and act like that to me, he may as well say it and do it himself. The child has just started counseling. If it doesn't work, I will leave his father. That's it.

Answer 9

Step kids, your own kids any kid that misbehaved needs discipline, that is what is wrong with the world today!!!

Answer 10

Their father is the one responsible for them.
Perhaps he needs help to step up to the task.
She should tell them they are unwelcome if they misbehave.
She should tell him she cannot take on his responsibilities.