Is it abusive when......?

Question

for my whole life, my father has always screamed and yelled at my mother, but lately he has been doing it to my older brother too AND A LOT!!!! It rips me apart every time i see my mom crying and so badly hurt. We are considered "wealthy" and in the public he seems as a perfectly normal dad ~ and everyone else sees us as a very lucky happy family!! he doesnt exactly call us names he just well... like if my mom (and we needed one REAL BAD!) wanted a new car he would yell at he top of his lungs "well go get your @#$% car but dont expect me to ..." and he goes on for hours and hours sometimes even days! Its like he makes up issues just so he can star yelling every chance he gets! my mom has asked me for some time now if it would affect me if she divorced him and in a good way or bad!! my mom is awesome and wants only wants what’s best for us kids!! I fell as if my dad hates me and wants nothing at all to do with me! Therefore im very stubborn and block him out of my life!! Im afraid that if I tell him how I fell, he’ll blame my mom like he does everything!!! BUT I WANT A DAD!!! What should I do? Would it be better for us without him in our lives or would it destroy my 7 year old brother? And is what he does abusive?

Answer 1

If you don't need your dad's support and don't care about being wealthy, you can all leave him, it's very difficult to talk sense with someone who is always screaming and yelling. Why do you and your mom want someone who can make your lives miserable and what's the big deal of living with a dad?

Answer 2

Please try counseling. Start by going yourself. Be honest with the counselor. He can help get your Dad in to talk. My Dad yelled at me every day after my Mom died. Yet he never neglected to tell me he loved me every day and night. Looking back with maturity, I would have to say he was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome.
He lived through being raised by a single mother during the depression (no welfare help back then). He lived through WWII, where he drove the boats that delivered the men to the shores. There he watched many friends he delivered to their death. Then my Mom died when I was 10. He loved her so much he never remarried, in honor of her memory.
I'm sure he doesn't realize how much his behavior is hurting you all. Sometimes a calm and unbiased third party can show him the light. You and your mother should shop around for the right counselor first. Make sure counselor understands he may only get one shot.
You can also try church. Men are pack animals. They tend to rise to the level expected of them by the other men they respect. Find a church your Dad likes.
Oddly enough, I often wondered if my Dad hated me. I grew up with a very low self esteem because of it. Did drugs for years to stop the nightmares. Now I've had some great times talking things through with him. I actually believe I was his favorite, despite the fact he was worse to me. The human brain is very weird. Good luck and keep the faith.

Answer 3

I suggest buying some video equipment, some kind of digital camcorder, and taping him during his angry outbursts. Do it several times over a few weeks. I suggest you start recording a LOT of things, as proof. I'm sure you all have phones, too, so start taking pictures, or video of him doing stuff. Just don't let him know you're doing it. Keep a journal, or log, of the days when he does bad things. I know you'll have to endure his anger during this time, but hopefully it'll work out in the long run.

I have another suggestion. This may seem lame and useless, but have a family meeting with him. Tell him all of you want to talk to him about something very important. You'll have to make him believe that it's something that he wants to talk about, or else he won't do it, right? But you ALL have to stick together on this meeting. Nobody walks out, and everyone speaks their mind. And record the meeting, too!!! This is all important!

Tell him, point blank, "Dad, it hurts so much when you yell at us." And if he starts blaming any of you, stop him and say, "No, we want to talk about this calmly. Why do you treat us this way? We're not bad kids, and Mom isn't a bad mother." As hard as it may be, you'll have to be firm with him. Maybe think about bringing another adult into the meeting. Someone he trusts, but someone who maybe knows the real situation, and will keep the meeting fair.

If you think telling him about a meeting won't work, then maybe plan it so that everyone will be in the same room at the same time, hopefully when he's in one of his "good" moods. If he's kinda sitting in the living room, one of you walk in and sit down, then another, then another, until all of you are sitting there. Then someone starts the meeting, but very casually. Don't wanna ruffle his feathers right off the bat.

I don't usually encourage divorce, but in this case, if the meeting doesn't work, I would advise it. If he makes you that unhappy, then why stay with him? It can have a bad influence on the rest of your life.

One last thing: I know it hurts to think you're alone in this. Call your local help center that deals with family crises. Just look in your phone book; you should be able to find it. They should be able to at least talk to you, maybe guide you in what to do.

I wish you well, and hope something works for you.
Take care, and God Bless.
Tony

Answer 4

I went through the same thing. My parent's ended up divorcing and me and my 7 year old sister lived with both parent's though. We lived with my mom half the week and my dad half the week. My dad was very angry all the time and tended to make me cry a lot. But, after the divorce my relationship with my dad began to mend itself because he seemed to become sympathetic of us kids because of what we were going through.

So I'm not saying that your parents should divorce. i'm saying if worse comes to worse and they do divorce, it is best if your parent's have shared custody over you and your brother. But, eventually, you need to be able to confront your dad CALMLY. That is the key to start calmly. If he doesn't listen you need to get serious and confront him with confidence. I'm not saying to do it right away. The confidence will build. You're lucky he doesn't physically abuse you.

I would consider him yelling abusive, but not as serioius as to be considered child abuse.

Hope this helps!

Answer 5

yes hon this is abuse, verbal abuse is is so damaging..... to ones self esteem, sometimes dads need a bit of a wake up call... why don't you suggest that you all move out and see what happens by the sounds of this he loves the power ,sometimes men are like this because at his work he is being dominated and look down upon so when he gets home he throws his weight around to make him feel good..... what a wonderful mum you have wanting to stay for you both,,, mums sure do make sacrifices... hon you don't need this neither does your brother i would get out and give him a shock.........he probably thinks you would never leave...

Answer 6

My mom was the same way. Ruined me alot. You should get your parents to get a divorce. everyone will be happy. Your mom will find someone who can be like a father figure. My dad found someone who is a mom figure. it works out.

Answer 7

Yes what your father does is abusive.
My ex-husband was abusive and now he is gone me and my children are happier.
I think as sad as it may be what he is doing your family would be better off with out him.
Best of luck

Answer 8

Perhaps your mom needs to act like a wife sometimes and talk things over with him and not put more pressure on him. Perhaps you need to be more respectful of your parents, both of them.