I just got married to my husband after living together for almost a year. He has a 9yr old- She lives 2 states away with her mother most the time but we see her at least every month for a week or more. During the summers it is a lot more than that. I am 6 mths pregnant so she has been coming up to us for weeks at a time.
Her dad feels guilty about not being able to spend as much time with her as he should and I know that. But when she comes it completely disrupts our lives because of that. She has no bedtime, she eats anything that she wants to and pretty much does what she wants too. I want her up with us more but I can’t help but dreading her stays. One of my biggest problems is that my husband falls asleep with her watching TV on the couch every night. I complain about it and he just says that he is trying to spend time with his daughter. I just want a normal family routine when she is here so that I don’t feel like it completely disrupts everything. But am I oversteping here?
2007-08-03 09:43:54 · 17 answers · asked by Lacie C 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
First, I think you need to have another talk with your husband. I'd be concerned since you have a child on the way and it doesn't appear he understands that children need limits, order and rules. He may say he feels guilty because he doesn't see his daughter enough but that doesn't justify letting her do what she wants. You're not going to want your own daughter to model his daughter's behavior so this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
I think you do have a say since it's your house and you should be able to set some rules but I understand the sensitivity as she has her own mother and you don't want to become the "evil stepmother."
Think you really need to have your husband do this but if he won't, I don't see that you have a choice.
Sorry, you're in such a difficult situation.
Good luck.
2007-08-03 09:54:29 · answer #1 · answered by LP 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No I do think that you are allowed to voice your issues. Are you sure that you feel this way about her disrupting your life's because you are jealous of her and you are pregnant? Are you afraid that he will pay more attention to you then the new baby? I am not saying that this is the case, but I have seen it time and time again. My sister is doing the same thing. Remember that you married him knowing he had a previous child.
On the other hand, I would sit down and tell him that you would like rules to be set in the house when she is here. Depending on her age set a time for bed, I personally think that the other stuff that you are complaining about petty. If you are jealous that he falls asleep on the couch watching TV with her then maybe you should go out there and be involved with them as well.
But then again that is my opinion
2007-08-03 16:55:03 · answer #2 · answered by 3peas in a pod 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there, done that. MY step is with us half of every week as my husband has joint custody. I'm-a tell you a few things that i have learned-no one wants to say NO to the child of divorce. No one wants to set boundaries and you used the exact correct term when you said GUILT.
It's a popularity contest and the guilt will make it so the step ALWAYS comes first.
We have two of our own and my husband adores them, too. But the step is the special guest star in our home. Actually my husband is getting ebtter about setting boundaries but there are some things (picking up his room, bed times-like you mentioned) that are never enforced. The thing is, kids CRAVE boundaries and consistency. TO not give it to them teaches them to work all the angles and does them NO favors.
You can talk to your husband. In my case, we jsut hit a brick wall every time the argument came up> So I let go of some of my expectations and I focus on rearing my girls. I never want them to notice the disparity in rules (they likely won't-nor will your wee one as the age difference is too big) or feel second best. You'll find when the baby is born, your life will get better on this front.
Good luck-
DN
2007-08-03 16:51:30 · answer #3 · answered by Dalice Nelson 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but she came first.
Now, when you're reading my response, you should know that I'm a stepdaughter myself, and I think it's wonderful your husband puts your daughter first. Few men do.
However, I can also see why this bugs you.
I guess the best thing to do would be to talk to your husband about it while the daughter is not there. Remember, this is his baby, so don't complain or be demanding. Just voice your concerns.
Does this behavior happen only when the child is with you? Sort of a dad's house, thing, or does she have this lifestyle at home with her mother too?
I think if you complain while she is there, he sees you as nagging and jealous, but if you talk about it ahead of time, maturely, you should be all set.
2007-08-03 16:59:39 · answer #4 · answered by Avillie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You would be doing her NO favor by just letting this go. Children need rules and structure. No amount of freedom can make up for your step-daughter's tough position. What would happen when your daughter is 5 and sees that her sister gets what ever she wants when she's there...? You will all have a VERY long road ahead of you if you do not set boundaries and rules. Your husband should parent his daughter as you both are going to parent the new one on the way....
Good Luck!
2007-08-03 16:57:26 · answer #5 · answered by Nikki 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Big Giant Step for the Selfish. Let your husband know about the bed time routine and other problems you suffer from the child. Believe it or not - His daughter wants to be a part of the Babies life, after all it's her baby too. honestly, you have it made, most of other relationships deal with a child being angry, and mistreat others in the family. You'll figure it out, it really is not that hard. Good Luck
2007-08-03 16:50:19 · answer #6 · answered by Charley 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I agree. Try talking with your husband and setting boundaries too. It's your house and you wouldn't want anyone else that came over for an extended stay doing that either. Also this may be good practice for when you have your own child ( i don't mean yell at her, but spending time with her to see what she likes and what will make her respect you more). Good luck with this girl and your baby coming!
2007-08-03 16:50:31 · answer #7 · answered by Delia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him more about it and try to reach some sort of compromise. A 'normal' family routine to you is completely different to what she has become accustomed to. Everyone will need to make some adjustments. It may be your house and your step daughter, but it appears her biological mother has the most influence in her life. The routine she uses is the one that is familiar to her, and helps her cope with the awkwardness of the situation.
2007-08-03 16:50:06 · answer #8 · answered by M G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, I think that your out of luck on this one. Try putting yourself in his shoes- how would you feel if you only got to see your child once a month or so. You would REALLY want to make every moment count. Even sleeping. I can't imagine being away from my daughter that much. I do understand your frustration. Especially with a little one on the way. Maybe you could have a sit down talk with your husband about how you can make her stays more easy for everyone. I hope that it all works out for you!
2007-08-03 16:49:36 · answer #9 · answered by Amy B 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No. You're the stepmom and you're trying to do right by the child. She should have a bed time at that age and she should not be allowed to disrupt the household. She is way to young to eat & do whatever she wants. There's nothing wrong with laying down the law in your home.
2007-08-03 16:48:27 · answer #10 · answered by suzanne g 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋