Our 23 yo daughter wrote us off her life, do we deserve?

Question

At 14 she messed up, we had to be harsh. She apologized, promised to change, asked us to trust her but we said she'd have to prove. She got extremely resentful and said. For a year she asked for our trust, but we were tough, though she had changed her behavior. We know she suffered a lot, our trust was really important to her. She got depressed, said she was devastated cause she had made a mistake but everybody does, but had fixed it, deserved our trust and denied. Actually, she turned out to be a great girl, but became cold, distant. She found people like teachers who were very important to her and trusted her. In her opinion, we weren't parents, we only punished and broke her spirit but didn't help her overcome her troubles, didn't show love. She became a wonderful girl but we lost her love. Today we aren't important to her at all, we aren't part of her life. Even out trust, which now she has completely, today means nothing to her. She's not resentful, just indifferent.

The last talked we talked to her she said in her teen yeras she loved us really much and our trust was importabt to her. But we proved we didn't love her, so she suffere dbut got over and now she's indifferent to us, Actually she's doing welll in her life, with a good job and doesn't need us

Answer 1

todays kids are spoiled brats,(not to be mean) they are taught in school and on t.v. that its never their fault,, hell it is illegal to spank your kids theese days and if you do they are told your are being taught its abussive ( i know she was a teen and older but is an example) so they resent you for it,, i got spanked and i never did it again (or at least didnt get caught) did i hate my parents no!!!!! i deserved it ,, but nowadays its abuse,,,b.s. theese pansy a@@ teachers and activists are what and why we have so many kids growing up resenting they're parents saying they were abused or not lved,,, well cry me a river and grow up!!!! just ask yourself a question,, so you showed tough love and she grew up right . correct??? well what is the problem than. you did your job and if she doesnt appreciate that wll that is her problem and, you know she will probably grow out of that,, she says you didnt rust her when she was 14 well why should you ,,she was 14 ,, teenagers theese days also have some sort of sense of entitlement and they are entitled to a home food on their back and food in their belly thats it!,, imagine if you did give her that trust when she was younger and had that ,"well its o.k. just do your best next time "attitude would she have grown up as well as you say she did, or would she have taken advantage of you over and over again because she knew she could take advantage of the situation,,you should congratulate yourself for being firm...and to anyone who is ondering yes i do have a daughter so i know what the hell i am talking about!!!!

Answer 2

I can understand how she feels, but I think she is overreacting a bit. It all depends on what mistake she made. At 14, there aren't too many things she could do to warrant such mistrust from her parents. All kids will have little rebellious stages and need to learn from those mistakes, which she did. But then you need to trust again as parents, and if the child makes another mistake, she will have to face the consequences of her mistake on her own without punishment from the parents. When I was in high school, I made a couple mistakes, and learned from them the hard way. My parents understood that I had erred and allowed me to learn, and didn't hold much against me. They offered me a lot of trust, which then went both ways. Even today as an adult, we have the same relationship. If they had mistrusted me when I was younger, I don't think I would be as close to them as I am today. This is something you're going to have to discuss with her at length, and hopefully you can find some common ground and resolve these issues.

Answer 3

It sounds like when you brought her up you showed her the necessary discipline but forgot to also give her the positive reinforcement she needed to balance it out.

You need to tell her now, how proud you are of her and how much you love her and that you will always be there for her no matter what.

Tell her not us!

She may not change her mind right away but in time after she thinks about what you said, and becomes a parent herself and realizes how hard it is to balance the correct amount of discipline and positive reinforcement, she may learn to understand why you did what you did and then she will probably come back slowly. It took many years for her to arrive at her opinion and may take just as many to change it, be patient.

Luckily she is still young and has the time to realize these things, I hope she does before it's too late. However you still need to let her know how proud you are of her and her achievements in life and that you love her even if she doesn't love you.

Plant the seed and see if it grows, then give her space to absorb it.

Good Luck, being a parent is not an easy task and unfortunately doesn't come with a manual.

Answer 4

At fourteen you were harsh with her? Did you ever give her a way to regain your trust? What did she do that was so horrible? How could such a good girl who teachers and other figures of authority trust not earn yours?

Trust is a big issue with kids. Kids will make mistakes but as a parent you always have to give them another opportunity to regain your trust. Unless she repeatedly broke the trust I don't see WHY you would even be that harsh with her.

Good on her though if she's able to move on with her life without you guys holding her down. I'd have to say I had many issues with my parents in my teen years but obviously not as much as she did with you as I've gotten over it.

I suggest you and your wife sit down and take a hard look at what you did to this girl. Why does she dislike you so much? You have to be honest with yourselves and apologize to her in order to fix the relationship.

Just calling her every other day is one way to start that back up or even just once a week. Sending cards and care packages works too. Sadly though it might be a little too late.

Answer 5

The biggie for me there is "you broke her spirit" That would be the hardest to get over. Plus not show love. I dont understand how not showing love has anything to do with discipline.

I think the only thing you can do now is wait it out. It wouldnt suprise if when she has children of her own she may want to start up a relationship. But think now its up to you to show you would not treat a grandchild the same way.

Answer 6

Then leave her to her life if she's doing well. If it wasn't for my husband, I wouldn't speak to my mother...an adult can make a decision that's best for them without having to have mommy or daddy's approval. I don't know what you did or why - that's between the 3 of you. Either way, being a parent doesn't guarantee your child will want or need you indefinitely. Keep the lines of communication open but let her be. If she wants a relationship, she'll come to you.

Answer 7

permit her be conscious of that childrens do no longer comprise coaching Manuals. attempt and clarify why you and your spouse self-discipline the way you probably did. permit her be conscious of that nonetheless she could no longer consider the way you dealt with the placement, you probably did what you theory became suitable. She could no longer understand now, yet in step with hazard sometime whilst she is a discern she will. you will possibly desire to allow her be conscious of ways proud and how lots you like her.....you will might desire to instruct how lots she ability to you. initiate out by utilising sending her playing cards in step with hazard as quickly as a month. Taking her to dinner or ice cream, straightforward little telephone calls to work out how she is doing, and so on. it's going to be awkward till now each and every little thing, yet do no longer supply in. stay on the right song and be persistant on your "triumphing" her over again. undergo in suggestions which you are able to not exchange the previous, yet you are able to write your destiny!

Answer 8

I think the number one thing here is to remeber that loving her means wanting what is best for her. It is not about you and your wife! Love seeketh not its own. If your conscience is telling you that there was a wrong that you need to right, thats great! Ask for her forgiveness and forgive yourself. But if you are feeling sorry for yourself and what you want is something FROM her rather than something FOR her, let her be.

Answer 9

what happened at 14 that caused you to be harsh?

and as parents, you did your job. you raised a fully functioning member of society. its a shame she doesnt respect how you raised her, but... sometimes that happens.

just let her know she is loved and extend the olive branch. call her from time to time and maybe one day she'll accept your invitation.

Answer 10

I know this situation is hurtful for you. Try to take comfort in the fact that she is doing good in her life; keep in touch without expecting responses; be patient - in time, the three of you may be able to change your relationship.