I am 19 and having my 1st kid in 3 weeks. I am really scared.?

Question

I am so scared I'm about to have a kid. I don't even know if I want her. I know that is a bad thing to say, but I had a really bad experience while pregnant. I don't know if I can do this being a single young mother. I do not think I was ready for a child. The father is not supportive so it hurts even more. I think she deserves better then what I can give her. I try to be positive about the situation. but tears bring my joy down everyday. some say i will not be able to party or date that my life is over. and i made a big mistake by not getting an abortion. I am starting to feel this way to I do not know what to do. I know if I give her up for adoption my family and peers will look down on me. THe father says its my fault and i have to live with the consequences. And that i can't date or go out. that my life is over. and tells me i can't raise this child. i need some serious advice I feel like i am losing it.

Answer 1

I had my daughter at 19 and I was a single mother too. I can't relate to how you're feeling because I was thrilled to be pregnant. However, I think the way you're feeling has a lot to do with the fact that you have so many negative people around you who are doubting you before you have even had the baby! Also your hormones are all over the place - it's natural to be scared when pregnant with your first child - and that goes for wether you're 19 or 29. Trust me, as soon as you hold your daughter in your arms you will love her unconditionally.

What you need to do is surrond yourself with positive people, are your family being supportive? Stop talking to the child's father if he has nothing useful to say. You need to be strong for your daughter.

I'm not gonna tell you that it will be easy - but I can tell you it will be worth it in the end. I'm now 31, my daughter is 12 and her and her brother are my reason and my heartbeat. I met my son's father when my daughter was 2, it's not unusual for young women to have children these days, so don't think you will never meet a man again, I have never had a shortage of male interest, being a single mother doesn't deter men in this day and age. I married my son's father and he adopted my daughter. Sadly we divorced 4 years ago, but he still sees the kids. So yeh, I'm a single parent again, but I wouldn't change my life for the world. I have a very successful career, which I built for my kids. For all the hard times I went through, I can think of a million more good times. I don't think that I have missed out on anything by having my kids so young. They are both well balanced and doing well in school, and I am thankful that I'm young enough to be able to be a friend to them aswell as a parent. So you can do this and it will make you a stronger person too.

I think it's very brave of you to admit how you are feeling. My advice is to wait until your daughter is born and see how you feel then. If you still don't feel like you can cope, then you can think about adoption. Don't think about what you can't give your baby - think about what you CAN give her. Lots of love is what children need. You should start looking at what help you can get financially and emotionally. Look for groups for young mothers in your area where you can meet other girls in the same situation as you. Talk to your mother (or another close family member) about your feelings and see what support they can give you. Find out what benefits you can get, Look for college courses with creche's so you can think about building a future for you and your baby. Take all the help you can get, don't be afraid to ask.

Your life doesn't have to stop here, it just has to change slightly. If you can do all the things I mentioned above you will find a whole new circle of friends who are in the same position as you. I wish you all the luck in the world honey. You CAN do this, be strong, think smart and try to smile. You are about to embark on a wonderful journey, yes it's scary, there will be times you feel like you can't cope, and you will shed tears. But I promise you, there is nothing like the feeling of satisfaction you will get when you prove all those haters wrong and you form a bond with that little helpless person growing inside you who needs you to be strong for her. She will bring you more joy than any man or any party ever could.

Answer 2

Do you have other people willing to help you out? family, parents, friends, etc.? There was a situation like this in my family and my grandparents basically raised my cousin (she wasn't young, just a bad role model!) It really is up to you what to do with the child but what I'm getting at is that how you act is a big reflection on your child. Are you responsible, loving, caring? Or do you think you're a bad influence and you are putting yours/her life in danger? Those are just a few of the hard questions that you need to ask yourself. I have a friend who had her daughter at 17, her daughter is now 14 and she (the daughter) is in honors classes, has a lot of friends, shes a bright girl who's a joy to be around. The way her mother was reflected that a lot. She was a great mother to her and she still is. You are the only one to decide. You are very smart for NOT having an abortion! The child should at least be able to have life! This girl could be the first female president!
Good luck!

Answer 3

Aw, you poor thing. I really sympathise with your situation. I was married when I had my first child but I still felt completely alone and iscolated. Bringing up a child is very hard, it's true, and it will take away from some of your enjoyment of your own childhood. What you have to remember is that you will manage somehow, and you don't have to be the perfect mother. You are allowed to make mistakes and sometimes be a little selfish. Another thing to remember is that a child doesn't stay a child forever, and eventually they grow up and become the best friends you could ever wish for. Bringing up a child gives you a new perspective on life, one that is different from the one you are used to. It becomes not just about you, but about your child, and through this you will grow to be a much stronger and better person. Eventually when your child grows up (which they do, all too quickly) you will be able to catch up on all the things you feel you have missed out on. So while it is limiting initially, in the long run it is something worth the initial limitation. Trust me, you'll look back in ten years time and know that you made the right decision.

Answer 4

It's ok to be scared.... cry all you want but you can not do anything about it. Just hope and pray everything turns out all right. Also, I believe that when you give birth and hold your child for the first time you will feel something that is not explainable - a mother's love for her child. Not dating and partying does not mean it's the end of your life it just means that you are maturing as a person and you have better things to do than getting drunk at a party and wasting your life. Remember life is a mystery.... You don't know when the right man comes and when he does then its the right time for you to fall in love. Everything happens for a reason so don't give up just because of a stupid man telling that your life is over. You have to fight and prove him that you are a strong lady. He's just saying that so that he won't feel guilty that he made you pregnant - it's a macho thing among men.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be” Marcel Pagnol

Answer 5

I was 19 and single when I got pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend was not supportive and I didn't know how I was going to finish college, etcs. I chose to keep my baby and was a single parent for three and half years. It was extremely difficult going to school, working, and being a single parent. I didnt' date or go out much. BUT life was not over!! My son brought such joy to my life that all the sacrifices I made for him were absolutely worth it. If your family is supportive of you and will help you with this baby, then that is wonderful. Millions of people are single parents and get by just fine. You're not alone in this. So your boyfriend is not ready to step up to the plate and be a man? So what? If you want to keep this baby, then take him to court and get a child support order and make him step up at least financially. There are public programs for people in the situation that you are in. There are daycare subsidy programs, school grants, work programs, medicaid programs, etcs. Go to your local welfare office and check into them. However, if you don't feel that you will be able to put this child's needs ahead of your own and sacrifice all the things that you will have to sacrifice (and there are a LOT), then adoption is the best and most loving option you can take. You gave the baby what you were able to....life and a good, loving family who will take care of her. Who cares if your "peers" will look down on you? You are acting, in whatever option you choose to pursue, in the best interests of this child and that is what is of paramount importance. Good luck and I wish you the best with your coming baby and whatever choice you make. Follow your heart.

Answer 6

calm your hormones. Breathe a little.

There is nothing in your life that will ever be as rewarding and fulfilling as being a mother.

My mom was 18 when she had me. Granted she was already married and planned on getting pregnant, but she was still the same age. There is no reason why you cannot have and raise a child.

This might not be what you PLANNED but it is the choice you made, its NOT a mistake. Children are NOT mistakes. your life will be what YOU make of it. This babies father needs to get with it and realize that he made this child, and you are not the one carrying all the weight. the state, the federal government, law enforcement and a slew of laws all deem that HE MUST PAY to help support the child he made.

Your life isnt over, its just starting. Your life in the sense of how it has been is over, but thats only because from now on out everything is about your child, not you. You have to grow up, but thats no big deal, you were going to anyway. Youre an adult, not some 14 year old kid in highschool.

you are the best thing for your baby. And its a bond that only the two of you will share.

your life isnt about dating and making yourself feel good and doing whatever you want. that changes. Because what you want after that baby comes is to provide her with the best. You want a relationship, and theres no reason you cant find a good man just because you have a baby. There are plenty of good men out there who want to be fathers and take care ofyou and her. But you're not going to find them where you found her biological father. They arent in the bars and they arent standing on the corner. You're looking for a man, not a boy in a mans body. Thats what got you where you are now.

If you really just dont think you can handle this, then do what you feel is best, and if putting your baby up for adoption is best for her, do it.

But you need to make choices for yourself and on that baby's behalf. Because thats what YOU know is right, not because someone else told you it was.

You can either choose to be the best parent you can be, and to have the life you want for her and you, or you can choose that you want to go on being a child and doing whatever gratifies yourself and makes you happy in the moment and keep on acting like a child. Those are your choices, whatever you choose is the right one. No one else can decide that for you.

Answer 7

I think the first thing you need to do is talk to someone. Not a counselor that works for a adoption agency, but someone who is going to help you sort things out. Perhaps your local social service agency has some people you can call. Also avoid a member of the clergy because they might make you feel worse or be close to a couple who wants to adopt. As far as the father goes, he is as responsible for this tiny life as you are. You did not get pregnant alone. If you decide to keep the baby you can go after him for support. At the end of the day, it's about you and this baby. Are you freinds and family willing to pitch in and help? What about the father's family?If not, what they think really doesn't matter. There are agencies around who exist to help you through this period in your life. Reach out to them. There are even places you can go that will offer you support after you have the baby. Don't rush into any decision. In many states, once you sign the adoption papers, you can't change your mind. You won't be able to get the baby back. Take your time and make whatever decision is in the best interest of you and your baby and ignore anyone who is trying to bum rush you. Also, although your life will change after having a baby...you won't become a nun. You probably won't be able to go out as you have before but you will see the sky again before your child turns 18. You will also change after having a baby...you may decide you'd rather be with your baby than you want to go out and listen to every lame excuse from guys who only want to get into your pants. I am a single parent by choice. I have raised 2 sons on my own with absolutely no help from my family (my sons are now 26 and 22) and I am doing the same with my 7 year old daughter. You can contact me again if you want thru yahoo.....I truly know what you are going thru. I was 19 when I had my first child and was going thru a divorce. It is difficult, but I wouldn't of traded it for anything. And, yes, I did have an abortion at one point.

Answer 8

If you are worried about going out and dating more than you are your child, then you are right, you definitely are not ready for a child. Look into adoption and speak with some agencies about it so you can get a better insight into it. This will enable you to be able to make a better informed decision. When you have a child, your life is your child. That is your number one priority and responsibility. If you are unable to care for the child the way it deserves, then you should give the child up for adoption. There are many able and wonderful couples looking to adopt a newborn who otherwise would never be able to have a child. This is their dream and they will do everything possible they can for the child. They are more likely to better raise children than most children's own parents. Too many people take for granted being able to give birth. Do not worry about what others will think of you. If you cannot care for a child, you are doing the right thing. They are not the ones in your situation and will not be able to understand where you are coming from, so all they know to do is look down on you about it. It is just their ignorance shining through. Do not let others influence your decision. Do what you think is best for the baby. And no, it is definitely not only your fault that you are pregnant. It is his just as much. Do not let him make you think otherwise. He was just as irresponsible as you were. He also has to live with the consequences. It affects him just as much as it does you. Stop letting them get to you and influence the way you think! Think for yourself. You are an adult now, and you make your own decisions and live with what follows them. No one else does of will. You still have a lot of growing up to do. Just go talk with an adoption agency or a couple who is wanting to adopt. This will help you in your decision. The couple can explain to you things you would never imagine thinking about. This could help you more than anything else. God Bless.

Pamper pooch is 100% correct. It will make you look at the entire world in another way. You will grow into someone you never knew existed and you will find things in you that you never had before. When you have a child of your own is when you find pure love, and there is nothing else that can show you this kind of love.

Answer 9

I think that you'll be alright. First of all, the father of the child says that it's your fault? It's both of your faults, not just one of you.

Second, if adoption is something that you are seriously considering, dont knock it just because you think your family will look down on you. Having a child that you don't want or one that you don't think that you can care for, or that you resent because you can't go party as much is worse than putting him or her up for adoption. Look at Britney Spear's kids. They get dragged with her everywhere, they always look sad, and she's out partying. It would have been better for her to have given them up for adoption because it's obvious she doesn't know how to parent.

BUT --- If the only reason you are going to give up your child is because you are afraid that your life is over, that's crazy. Sure the first couple months are going to be crazy and you're not going to get any sleep and yadda yadda, but after that, it gets a lot easier, I promise. I had my first baby at 19, and although I did have a man by my side, it was difficult at first.

After the baby is a couple months, you begin to feel comfortable letting your mom or someone you trust babysit for you every once in a while so that you can go out and have a girls night or so that you can go out and party. Dating is still possible and so if having fun. And trust me, with a new baby, all kinds of fun things will be happening to you. It's a great thing.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 10

First of all you are doing the courageous thing just by allowing your child to have life. If you decide to go the adoption route know that you will be giving some couple the greatest gift and there is no reason anyone should look down on you for doing something so unselfish and brave. Lastly, I think that if you decide to keep and raise your baby you'll have no regrets. No party or date could ever compare to the joy of having a child. Your life will not be over, it will just be a new and exciting chapter. You're just stressing (naturally) everything is going to be fine. Good Luck with everything.