Anybody on here ever had this happen and what was the outcome ?

Question

Have lived away(different town over hour away) from biological family for over 31 years. There were 5 kids growing up in our family. All are grown and have kids and some grandkids of their own.Too much back stabbing and lies told everytime I've gone over there in the last 10 years I'm told bad stuff about one or more of them from different individuals. I use to visit every other weekend for years, then once a month, then every 3 months, then 6 months, now I don't want to go over at my parents at all. I know they are sickly and getting older and I've heard people say, "Enjoy them while they are with you" BUT what if your with them and there is NO joy ? Usually other family members come to see me when I'm over there. They usually say,"Be glad you live away from here, be thankful" They are all so disfunctional and its so sad. Am I the only one that wanted a happy family to share good times with when we're with other? I have peace now. Are you in the same situation?

Oh I forgot to tell you, I was being used as the one they all vented to. After a few years you'd like to hear something positive come out of their mouths. Maybe I'm just weak, couldn't handle it anymore cause I can't fix people that are broke, only God can do that.

All the grown kids have complained on more than one occassion that our parents are the ones that keep things stirred up. I agree . ..

Also, I agree, why should I ALWAYS be the first to always go to their houses. No-one has darkened my door in a looong time. Those days are over and I'll save on gas. Thanks for listening to me moan and groan. Life goes on . ..

Answer 1

Yours is a difficult situation. Everyone have some dysfunction in their family to some extent. Yours maybe a slight worse than most LOL according to your words.

You can tell those who chew your ear about the problems that you arent interested and just want to enjoy the visit. They may see you as a good listener and use you as a place to vent.

It might be the case that they want to fill your head with their version of things to make you choose sides. Anything is possible.

The fact that you should enjoy them while they are with you, will come down to how you will feel when they are gone. I didnt see my dad for 12 years. And I found out he was very ill. When i did go to see him he was in the end stages of dimentia (sp) and wasnt very coherent. I got to see him, and he got to see me for what it was worth he died a week later. Maybe he was waiting for me before he would let go. When I think about it makes me very sad. I tend to ask myself should i have been a better son... a million question pop in your head...

For your own sake if you think you might feel the way i did in the end. Go see them and deal with the weirdness they deal out. If you can let them know you dont want to hear all the backstabbing and stuff and then you can enjoy them for who they are not the bickering.

I dont if i really helped in anyway but i do understand your situation.. Good luck

Answer 2

Yes, I was, but not so much with my family as my ex-husband's. His mother is the type who is negative about every single thing and rehashes the past 20 - 30 years of gripes every time we visited, and then she'd gripe because no one would visit. One holiday I made a declaration - no gossip, no bad talk, no griping would be tolerated. I outright, but politely, told her no one wants to visit because she makes the visit unpleasant. I figured she could get mad and I'd leave, but the family got through the day playing games and visiting and getting along.

Try the same thing, one last time. Allow no one to gripe and talk about the others in a negative way. Just stop them before they go too far. Good luck.

Answer 3

I've lived 200+ miles from my parents and siblings for 6 years and I'm in the process of moving 1300 miles away. I keep my visits to a minimum and wouldn't visit at all but I have a child and I want her to know her aunts and grandparents. They're definitely not people I would be friends with if we were not related.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with wanting a happy family.When someone starts bad mouthing a family memeber.Sway the conversation in another direction.If that doesn't work remind your family you didn't come for the news update of the family but to visit with you.You may try getting alone with mom and explaining how you feel.

Answer 5

Yes. My sisters and brothers and my mother have had this drama since I was little. I moved to a different area over 30years ago and I go to as few family things as I can. I learned to listen but not advise. I also told everyone that I would not keep secrets and if they tell me something, it better not come with "don't tell so and so that I told you this" because if they ask me, I'm telling them. This has dramatically lowered my frustration with grown adults who are in constant drama because of my manipulative mother.

Listen, don't advise. Don't keep secrets. Don't gossip. And keep them at arms length. Sad, but it is what it is.

Answer 6

Im having the same problem with my family and im ponly 19, i moveed nearly 2 hours away from home as my mum and i wrnt getting on an there is always so much trouble in the family, i thought d get away from it but I havent and you cnat change your family and your family arent going to change so unfortunately you realise you have to put up with them as there your family and you might need them one day and you cant get a new family, you have to take a deep breath and become strong and thick skinned to it all, as im learning at the moment, its the only way you can do it as im sure at the end of the day you still love them all

Answer 7

I am in a situation where I still live in our original home built by my husband and myself 60 years ago when he came home from World War II. We had the joy or having our children with us until they graduated from college and then they went their separate ways and have lived in distant states all of their married lives. I can't tell you how much we (and now I )have always looked forward to their visits even if it is only for a day or two. Just because you and other family members can't seem to manage to remain civil long enough for your parents to have a pleasant visit is no reason to deprive yourself and your parents of a brief visit.
For goodness sakes, all of you need to grow-up.

Answer 8

These things happen in some proportion in all cultures.
Most of the time it is communication.
The best way to tackle this problem is to confront with a cool head the source of back biting. They will soon realize it is no good.
Your parents are old they need LOVE and care to the extent possible, it does not matter even if you have to listen to some thing bitter.

Answer 9

Sounds like my moms family. In this week I walked past my one aunt from moms side and greeted her cos she as basically staring me in my face and she just walked by like I was a stranger. My advice, stay away from people who want to keep you emotionally hostage. You might not be able to choose your family but you choose the COMPANY YOU KEEP and if you never hang out with backstabbers then make no exceptions. Give up on them, send the anual birthday and christmas card but dont subject yourself to their emotional abuse, you dont need them to breathe anyway!They wont change.....Visits and communications works both ways so why should it always be up to u to make the first move!

Answer 10

I hate my family so I know what your talking about, I hated them so much I moved out of the house when I was 16.