My kid is a wuss, what to do?

Question

My "son" is a little flitty, and I as a dad can't figure out what to do. He's 15 years old and gets picked on relentlessly by everyone in his class. I even had the principal call me in and tell me that he needs to stick up for himself. His mom and I took him to karate to build his self-confidence, but he came home in tears and refused to go back. Let me clarify: he ran home 5 miles in tears because he was too afraid of the other kids when they tried to hit him. As parents we are at the end of our rope. We are embarrassed to take him out because he is terrified of spiders, dark rooms, tattoos, and even G-rated animated Disney movies. He's never going to get a girlfriend (or boyfriend) at this rate, or even have a chance at a successful career. We have decided to sign him up for a survival course where he is put out into the wilderness, unsupervised, for 3 days with minimal supplies to see if he can "survive". Do you think this will work?

Answer 1

"Do you think this will work?"

Dunno, but knowing the naffs on here, the troll will...

Answer 2

I wonder if the whole story (all the facts) is reflected here.

Of course, love your son unconditionally. Continuously show him that you love him and respect him. Be a strong leader for him to admire and emulate. If change is important for his development, then lead by changing yourself.

Sometimes people ask advice while they’re sitting in their arm chair watching life pass, I don’t know if this is the case, but show and/or demonstrate to him that you need to have interactive time with him.

Personally, I’ve never been the kind of parent that would allow another to teach basis skill or ideas to my children. That’s not to say, raising children isn’t a challenge, and having to change the behavior of a teenager is very more difficult, but you were blessed with this child, this child loves you, he believes in you, and will listen to you (when he understands you truly care about him).

OK – yes I am suggesting the behavior of your child is directly proportional to your parenting, but I am not trying to hurt you. Think about this message before you react negatively to the feedback. Some times an outsider can see things and develop quicker suggestions (because they don’t have years of history to wade through).

Now get some help from your local youth counseling and or Church. Know you have all the skill and with this new information allocate the time to show your LOVE.

The wilderness training might be a good idea, but make sure you're doing it for the right reasons! Never unsupervised, he's only 15, how about joining him and learning something together.

Answer 3

BAD IDEA ! ! !

This could push him over the edge into paranoia. He may just be a VERY late bloomer, or very emotionally immature. Let him come into his own, on his own timetable, and be as supportive as possible. I also recommend a family therapist to help him AND you to deal with this situation.

You signed him up for karate, and then left him there on his own ??? Couldn't you have stayed for at least the first few classes? I do understand that this must be frustrating for
you, but maybe you should consider parenting classes in addition to seeing a therapist.

He doesn't NEED to EVER find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but can still go onto a successful career (help him to choose what HE wants to do, not what YOU want him to do). It's never easy parenting, but you just have to recognize that he is not you, and has his own feelings, needs, ideas, and fears (by the way, I'm very successful in life, and also fear spiders, dark rooms, tattoos, and scarey movies--and even some Disney movies are not all cute and funny, but have negative scenes -- killing Bambi's mother, the witch trying to kill Snow White, etc.)

AND DON'T EVER CALL HIM A BABY, A WUSS, A SISSY, A WIMP, OR ANYTHING ELSE WITH THESE NEGATIVE CONNOTATIONS. You could damage him forever .

Good luck to you and him regarding this challenging situation.
.

Answer 4

Geez! I would hate for my own Pops to call me wuss or say he's embarrassed by my imperfections. First off you and your wife need to realize as the adults in this situation, that he is your son regardless if you agree or not with who he is at the moment and try to be understanding.

Possibly he was traumatized as a young child in some way. Just because you didn't see it happen or aren't aware of anything doesn't mean it didn't happen. He may not even remember anything. But past trauma may present itself in our present behaviors.

Parents don't see how their behavior or the way they talk in front of the kids can be a detriment to their emotions. Thus emotionally handicapped children are treated wrongly and accused wrongly, when it was the parents fault all along.

The idea of pushing your son into a situation of survival isn't a bad idea. However at his level of emotional frailty, it may not be wise and could cause a complete disaster in his young life. I would opt more for you and your son going to a counselor to seek help. Than in a few months of counseling, after you both are learning of his insecurities and pains, both of you go on a survival camping trip. A boy needs his Dad. Not just physically present, but emotionally present to be his caretaker, confidant and friend. I wouldn't be embarrassed if he were my son. I would focus on trying with everything in me to help him overcome this problem and be happy. Tt should be your only concern.

Answer 5

Your teenager has a lot of Phobia's, Get him to the Doctor, have tests ran on him, find out what and why he is this way. Maybe something has happened to him that Nobody knows about except for him and the perpetrator. Maybe he is just a paranoid child. No. I would not say to put him unsupervised in the wilderness for 3 days.

And people and the Law wonder why Children grow up, and kill their parents !!

Answer 6

This sounds like a problem for the professionals. You don't mention therapy. I think I would try therapy before a Survival course. The survival course could end up being karate class all over again. How does he do at team activities?

Answer 7

Your child has suffered some trauma at one point in time. He may not even remember it. Something has happened to change his development. You can't force a kid to "toughen up". It's a personal choice. I think you would seriously scar him or kill him if you left him in a survival course. I am not a big proponent of coddling children, yet I don't think leaving him alone is a good answer either. Please, take him to a counselor, preferably a psychologist (not a psychiatrist...they may just medicate him. They are doctors first, then counselors; whereas a psychologist is a counselor first, then they can get their PsyD). Give him lots of love and support and try not to be hateful towards his behavior. He will resent it and you. Good luck!

Answer 8

How much faith in the skills that he does excell at do you show? Do you ever tell him that he possesses skills that are unique, that he shouldn't be afraid because he is supported, or do you just try to give him tips on how to be better at defending himself, or rag on him for not standing up to people that are conditioned to hurt others? How many times has he gotten to speak to a licensed professional about issues in his life that might be bothering HIM?
Has he told you why he doesn't fight back? Or why he is so afraid?
I don't think the survival course will do him any good: he'll see it as punishment for not living up to what he "should" be, for the both of you.
I don't think parenting is easy, period. You obviously love him, because you want him to be proud and strong-minded enough to say to people,"I don't deserve the crap you're trying to toss on me!" But he needs to be understood and he needs to learn how to help himself with tips from someone that can speak his language and that he feels understands his situation.
If you're willing to sign him up for a survival course: you must be willing to try a bit of counselling - from someone YOU trust.
Unsupervised "survival course" - great: he'll find more things to be afraid of: like abandonment.

Answer 9

huh tough question. im 16 and have never experienced anything like this. and im not sure whether this survivor thing will work. if he is this afraid of everythign, i guess he would curl up in a tree and doesnt move till someone finds him. or the fear will double his strength so he can get over and if he succed, then he would gain some confidence. but if it doesnt work i guess it ll make more harm to him. when i read u sent him to karate training i thougth it would work, it worked for me though im a girl. may be u should try some other sports, where he doesnt have to face "enemies". like kayak? it would make him strong and develope his body fast. or maybe take him to a pshicologist (oh i never know how u spell it in english) and he could find why he is like this? gud luck

Answer 10

Sending him away in the unknown for 3 days is a big no no. He will come back more scared than ever. Spend the money on a good shrink as there sounds like there is an underlining problem he is hiding from.

Answer 11

No, it will destroy him. He is not ready for an experience like that. I suggest therapy because his fears are interfering with his ability to enjoy a normal life. You could also benefit from some counseling on what a parent who loves his child unconditionally is like and how to demonstrate that to the child.