I've been living with my boyfriend for about 4 years already we have a 3 year old child together.Great dad no complaints provides everything we need. When I first found out iI was pregnant he was very happy but confessed to me that he was not in love with me. I was crushed.We live together and get along well. Sex life is very active. Still his emotions have not changed. I like to remind him that I love him by leaving little notes in his lunch or wallet. I never expect him to keep them but recently he showed me one of them that he put away in his wallet. And he also has one hidden behind his I.D in his wallet. So my question is will ever tell me if he loved or would he keep it to himself? He was hurt once before when we were just friends and he would mention sometimes that it would be hard to love again after that. So should I stay or should I go? PLEASE HELP!
2007-08-02 17:37:14 · 11 answers · asked by Lisandra M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
"actions speak louder than words...."
2007-08-02 17:42:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
He does love you.
He lives with you, has sex with you and is there for your child.
For many men this is far too much commitment.
If he says its because he was hurt, then that is a bona fide issue that needs to be professionally addressed. It may not make him love you, but he should get help if it still stifles him.
Should you go? Well that's a question you should be asking if he's abusive or you don't love him. That sounds more like you're prepared for an ultimatum to force the issue. That would be a mistake. Men hate ultimatums.
Better advice is this: Tell him that your view of the unrequited love is hurting you very, very deeply and that you want him to consider whether there's a chance he will move close or further from you. Tell him that you'd like him to speak to somebody about his bad experience before, not for you, but for him. Tell him that if the soul searching brings you closer together that's great but it's not an ultimatum.
Remind him that he has a child who also loves him and the current situation in some peoples minds might reflect badly on the child or that if the lack of love is noticed by the child it might reinforce the pattern of not expressing love by the child.
Leaving those little notes is a little manipulative, to a man it seems like an obvious fishing expedition. Not saying he doesn't like it or find it cute, it's just obvious when you're angling for the love to be returned.
I was similar with my wife. We have 5 kids but it took ages for me to express my love. I DID love her, but I wasn't very kissy or expressive of it. It took 5 years before opening up.
Remember a man can take up to ten years to get over a bad breakup or a loss. Askign him to get help for it is doing him a genuine favour. Just don't make one thing about the other, OK?
2007-08-03 00:51:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have such a good thing!
It's 98% perfect.
You could and would do a lot worse.
Don't leave. Don't push it. Don't screw it up.
You are handling it just right now. Keep it up.
Everyone would like that mad passionate first blush of love, but scientist know that it is caused by endorphins (naturally occuring happy drugs in your brain) that only last 4 years. (That is because after 4 years, a child was old enough to walk with the tribe, and nature did not absolutely need to keep the man drugged and happy any longer.)
So after 4 years, the best couples wind up with what you have now. You should keep it.
The only difference between you two is that you have memories of the first blush of love, and he skipped that.
You both have a wonderful life. Hang on to it and love what your have.
2007-08-10 22:21:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men are generally less expressive/emotional than females. In his case, given that he has been hurt once before, I sense that he may have a psychological barrier that he is dealing with. Maybe his ex hurt him right after he showed his feelings for her. If I were you I would try to talk about it, and ask if this has anything to do with the way he acts toward you. But try being as non-confrontational as possible. And ask open-ended questions (i.e. Is anything on your mind or bothering you? How do you feel?...about us....me...our relationship?
Do not leave! He may feel a sense of abandonment and this could further compound his problems. Also look around, he hasn't verbally expressed that he loves you but you mentioned that he kept that note. There maybe other subtle ways that he conveys his love for you. Be patient and talk, and if that doesn't work, talk again ;)
2007-08-03 01:05:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clearly you need more than just a good provider and active sex life. You want to know that he loves you too. I agree with your needs. My impression is that he doesn't realize he's got a good thing with you. Well, he does a little since he kept that note.
Does he still say he doesn't love you? That's the main point here right?
If you're okay with 2 out of 3 needs being met, than stay in it.
Wait just a minute. I just realized that I don't know you or him very well and don't want you to hurt you relationship with this guy. Him keeping the note is a GREAT thing.
The bottom line is ARE YOU HAPPY?
If not, maybe a couple of visits to a good marriage(couples) counselor would help you two. My wife & I went for a few visits and it helped us a lot.
2007-08-03 00:47:46 · answer #5 · answered by Yam King 7 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
if he is keeping some of the little notes you give him it sounds as if he is beginning to trust you, keep doing what you are doing and have patience. If you love him , and he is a great Father to your child give him the time he needs to feel secure in this relationship
2007-08-10 17:03:18 · answer #6 · answered by cheri h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His way of saying I love you was by showing you that he keeps your little love notes like treasured photos in his wallet, and he has you and your thoughts in his back pocket to carry him thru the day.
stay!!
my dude i leave notes........he saves them, never leaves me notes, and i have to say I love you to hear it back.
it's the nurturing, the providing, the companionship.
that's love.
2007-08-03 00:43:14 · answer #7 · answered by Lilly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay. Sounds to me like he loves you and you're both happy. And like Cica said "actions speak louder than words!".
2007-08-10 21:22:15 · answer #8 · answered by SinSister 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i agree with cica, the fact that he kept two of them and that he's a great dad and takes care of you and the child, says alot. i'd suggest you stay.
2007-08-10 23:22:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if u dont love him thats one thing and u will destroy your childs life
2007-08-10 19:17:07 · answer #10 · answered by Nancy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋