Did your parent's ever let you cry it out?

Question

Do you remember having to cry it out, how did you feel, do you hold resentment?
I have no memory whatsoever of ever having to CIO, i don't think my family did that with me but with my 3y/o we're beginning to do it (we have our reasons)
But it scares me and bothers me but at the same time, she is so so tired and wound up if i try to hold her or comfort her, she screams and runs of the front room wanting t.v or snacks (which she doesn't get) I'm enforcing bedtime the best i can by myself CIO is now my last option but i worry about what if any memory she'll have of it.
Parent's who did the whole CIO thing with your kids, did you find it worked/helpful and non traumatic?
Looking for serious and mature answers here
Thank you

Answer 1

Okay, I know you are frustrated, so I will try to be patient with you. Just because kids do not remember vividly the actual moments they were allowed to cry it out does not mean that they don't carry the effects of it for the rest of their lives. Letting kids cry it out teaches them that no one is there for them. That's NOT teaching children independence. That is teaching children to give up on the people who are supposed to care about them.

I know it gets frustrating when a child is fussy. I have an 18 month old who gets fussy, but has never been allowed to cry it out, and never will be. Helping your kids get through this life, even when they are frustrating, is part of parenting. Her being fussy does not make it right for you to walk away from your daughter. Your job is to help her. Not to abandon her. You say it scares you and bothers you to think about letting her cry it out. Well, it should. It's barbaric. There are other solutions. It's not 'your last option' as you put it. You just have to keep trying until you find the right one. Have you read Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Solution? I haven't myself, but I've heard good things about it from parents who I trust are caring parents. I recommend giving that a try before giving up on your daughter. You say she gets so tired and worn out... then maybe her routine needs to be adjusted so that she's not so worn out at bedtime. Kids who nap longer during the day actually sleep better at night- parents sometimes cut naps because they think their kids will sleep longer at night, but that doesn't work. The kids just get overtired.

I don't know of the link, but I will try to find this story I read about a mother who strongly regrets letting her child cry it out because her child lost all trust in her. Please don't let that happen with your daughter.

Here it is:
After a week of controlled crying he slept, but he stopped talking (he was saying single words). For the past year, he has refused all physical contact from me. If he hurts himself, he goes to his older brother (a preschooler) for comfort. I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child. - Sonia


http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/pinky_mckay.html

Answer 2

First off, I know that my mom would occasionally let us cry it out. I have only one memory of this when I was about 6 years old. I remember being very frustrated with my mom at the time, but I know that she did it because I had been very rude to her and she didn't want me to repeat that behavior. (I never did it again, and I hold no resentment toward her- I'm glad she showed me where the line was that I couldn't cross.)

In my own experiences as the adult, I've seen children who get so upset that they truly do just need to cry. It is a form of emotional release, and your daughter may just need to do it sometimes. There are several things to consider here. First off, if your daughter is crying because she is upset (and not in trouble) the most important thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her if she wants you. Stay calm, and talk quietly to her- tell her that it will be okay, tell her that she can breathe deeply and slowly, tell her to relax her arms, legs, stomach, back, etc, and see if she responds to this. Just repeat it over and over slowly and calmly- the tone and rhythm of your voice is more important than your words. If she runs away from you, just calmly call to her that she can come back when she wants you and that you'll be there for her.

Also, consider why she may be getting so wound up and upset in the first place. If this is occuring just before bedtime, consider if there is a consistent trigger. Is she afraid of going to bed in a dark room? Does she hate brushing her teeth? Is she playing a crazy, silly game that gets her too wound up so late in the day? Think about what causes her to get this way, and then think about if there is a way you can change the routine so that she doesn't get so upset to begin with. If you don't see any patterns, try writing down the causes for a week or more and then look back at it and see if anything jumps out at you.

Finally, kudos to you for not giving her TV or snacks when she runs seeking those when she's upset. Giving her these won't help, so keep up the good work in that department! :)

Answer 3

Hi Katrina,

kids are so much healthier in the way they experience emotion. As adults, we have the fear of how it would look to another person. Kids know no shame, and if they feel the impulse to cry it will come out, whether soft and weepy or loud and full.

I can only remember one time when I let my son CIO. He was just shy of age 3 and I couldn't tell if he was coming down with a bug or just over-tired. It took over an hour and ended with him collapsing with me on his floor. During the ordeal I sat cross legged on his floor, not speaking. I wanted to be in the room so he wouldn't fall or hurt himself. The best way I can describe it is just "riding the storm out" and we took a good nap together afterward.

Have no memory of my parents doing this with me, and he has shown no ill effects and has never brought it up. He is now 6, so it was either the right decision or a happy accident.

good luck ~

Answer 4

Yes, my parents had me CIO. Yes, I do remember it, even at 35 years old now, I remember it and I was probably birth to 4 years old. I now have a 20 month old and we have chosen not to CIO. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, even with her approaching the stereotypical "terrible 2's". I still cuddle with her to sleep everynight and only leave when she is asleep. It is the sweetest time of the day. :) I will do this until she is ready to fall asleep on her own. I hope a peak into my life night help you find your way. Ttust your instincts no matter what anyone says. :)

Answer 5

My parents certainly let all 3 of us cry it out. What I honestly remember about it is that I'd have to stay in my room (no matter how hard or loud I tried to cry) and eventually, I'd cry myself to sleep. I'd want to keep crying (I guess to keep the parents' attention or to be stubborn) but it is so tiring to cry that I would eventually just drift off to sleep. That's really my memory of it and I do NOT hold it against my parents. I was safe in a clean room. They were being good parents and not spoiling me. I adore my parents to this day and I'm grown.

Answer 6

I'm getting a little offended by a few of the answers here; my parents didn't make me cry it out, but I'm by no means "spoiled". While I can understand teaching her to deal with minor upsets herself, pay attention to what's bothering her; you don't want to let sickness or an injury go ignored. (I know that's not the case every time, but you don't want to assume that it never is.) I don't know what she'll think about it when she looks back on it later, but at 3 years old, she's old enough that she WILL remember it later on, at least vaguely.

Answer 7

You make a good point and it brings things to perspective for me as a mother. My mom said we didn't cry or get out of bed because she was a grouch. If she is over tired, put her to bed earlier, and make sure she has had food and isn't hungry. If my daughter is out of control, she isn't thinking straight, so she has a few minutes in her bed to scream and me to calm down, and it usually helps. As an adult, there are times I need to cry and release, and obviously it decreases as you get older, but sometimes they have to release too. And a 3 year old, crying in her room for a few minutes when she is frustrated is way different than letting a baby cry and cry(that is just sad)

Answer 8

My parents let me CIO, and I have no resentment towards them whatsoever. Also I am a mother of 4 the oldest is 10 and the youngest is 3. I know your frustrations and yes I have let them CIO. In my opinion, it teaches them that they have to deal with feelings and not getting what they want when they want. If you always comfort them then they won't learn to calm themselves down. They won't learn the necessary tools to be a funtioning adult. I just asked my 10y/o if she remembers me letting her CIO, she said no but I remember you letting my sisters and brother CIO. lol. So to answer your question I found it worked very effectivly and left no trauma.

Answer 9

At 3 years of age it is totally okay to let them cry. They need the release. Hold them if they let you, if they run away let them. They're old enough now to start to learn how to deal with their strong feelings.

Sometimes small children simply can't be rational or articulate until they've had a good cry. In many cases, whatever their problem is, it can't be solved until it's cried out.

Answer 10

No, my parents didn't. If I ever did, I'd go up to my room to prove that I was mad and basically scream when I was crying. Within 5 minutes my parents would be upstairs making me feel better and me get my way....yeah I was spoiled....but kids want to feel loved so I don't really think that you should....it kind of makes them feel neglected when you do.

Answer 11

At 3 years old I think that it's appropriate sometimes. But I strongly diagree with using the cry-it-out method with infants. It has been scientifically proven to change the chemistry of their brains.