I just recently got married and a girlfriend that stood up proved to be a disappointing attendant. From not caring about things before the wedding or even on the day, to not getting a gift I was majorly disappointed. I confronted her with everything and her excuse was that she was "offended" and found it "tacky" that I asked her not to bring a guest. The story is she planned on bringing one of her girlfriends who she runs off with and carouses with, and I know she would have been even worse of a bridesmaid, disappearing and making it truly about her. I have consulted various etiquette websites about this and they all say I am not obliged to invite one of her friends as a guest. I also thought it would be bad to have this girl sit with a bunch of people she didn't know for the dinner. I did forward a verbal invite through my bridesmaid to have her come to the after dinner which her friend did come to. What are your thoughts on this? If you need more details let me know.
2007-08-02 10:07:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
To clarify she was not at 2 of the wedding showers as she claimed, and she took no part in planning anything. She just came to the bachelerette party paid for the limo as did everyone else including the non-attendants, and planned nothing. This friend didn't even know where I was going on honeymoon - which most of my close friends did because of caring enough. She had no part in planning anything at all, and every time she called prior to the wedding she would talk about herself not ask me how I was with wedding planning. I am glad I got a good mixture of responses here which proves we are both right, but I think on a wedding day a person especially a bridesmaid should be honored to play such a role and act accordingly. Not be on the party bus saying "I am so bored, I need to get more drunk". Tasteless, it's not just about the gift either, she at least gave a card however it was signed with her name and her friend's name without any kind of sentiment from her displaying her "care
2007-08-02 15:38:57 · update #1
To clarify a bit more... This wasn't her boyfriend the was a girlfriend of hers. The girl still came right after dinner and drank free wine and danced and had a good time, through my invitation. I had initially suggested she come but when I told my attendant who I might seat her with she said "Oh no not those people, she hates those people". I had enough to concern myself with than worryin about where to seat her friend. Also none of my other attendants except my sister brought a date. I had 7 of them. None of them and not because I asked them not to. This friend of my attendants still came and frankly didn't miss out on much because the food sucked. It wasn't because of $ as she says, it was because of her running off and not being part of the wedding party during dinner and also the drama of not knowing who to seat her friend with. My attendant just is too selfish to understand her friend still got to come and her (my attendan'ts) behavior is what is deplorable.
2007-08-02 15:54:43 · update #2
Also that is simply not true of my attendant saying that she didn't know about her friend not being able to come until after her friend put up $ for the bachelerette party. The same email explaining the seating arrangement conflict and my telling her the timeline of the dinner and wedding party duties also had an invite to my bachelerette party for her friend. So that is nothing but a lie on her part. She tends to forget things evidently (conveniently) but I have emails to prove all of this.
2007-08-02 16:03:06 · update #3
well, even if you were at fault in the beginning, she was more at fault for letting this matter eat at her and cause her to be a crappy attendant. if it bothered her, she should have said something. she could have squashed the whole issue if she had simply asked. it was wrong of her to call you tacky when all it could have been was an oversight on your part.
with that said, i think that you should have extended her a guest invite if she had a very important person in her life (aka boyfriend, significant other, ect.). but if this was just some random friend that you do not care for and you KNEW she was going to cause problems, then i do not think you are in the fault.
in my mind, you are not at fault and her taking such a slight oversight, if there is one, to such an extreme makes HER the tacky person, not you. i am sorry you know such a person.
2007-08-02 10:14:13 · answer #1 · answered by Christina V 7 · 5⤊ 1⤋
You are absolutely correct: the happy couple is not obligated to invite their guests to bring guests themselves.
Your bridesmaid was correct in that she need not give a gift if circumstances or preference dictated otherwise. Gifts are not required by etiquette, even when one is a member of the wedding party. That should never be brought up again.
On the other hand, once the invitation to be in the wedding party is accepted, one should do one's best to fulfill all reasonable requests and requirements toward that end: get fitted for and purchase/rent wedding clothing in good time, attend parties, offer to help out with small tasks, etc. Not being allowed to invite a date is not a good excuse for failing to take a proper interest in the wedding. If she couldn't put herself out a little bit, she shouldn't have accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid. She frankly owes you an apology for her poor attitude, especially if her refusal to care translated into failure to follow through on any of her obligations.
Lastly, the wedding is now over. Rehashing this doesn't change anything. It's now up to you to decide whether you wish to continue the friendship or let it blow up over this, and only you know the answer to that.
Take a deep breath, and try not to stress over something that can no longer be helped.
2007-08-02 18:11:39 · answer #2 · answered by gileswench 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think you need to forget all about "WHO" she would have invited and look at the true question at hand.
"Are you obligated to allow guests to bring a guest?"
No. As long as you applied the same rule to everyone else on the guest list, then no, you are not obligated to ask your bridesmaid to not bring a guest.
However, if all the rest of the invitations to the wedding said "Mr. Smith and Guest" .... then yes, you were wrong in not allowing her to bring a guest. You can't pick and choose who gets to follow the rules and who is exempt. Oh sure, it was your wedding day and blah blah blah "you're the bride and can do whatever you want" ... but it's still a social event that you are hosting and there are certain rules of etiquette that must be followed.
So I guess the answer depends on how you treated the rest of the guests.
As far as the friendship goes. Sounds like the friendship was on the rocks before the wedding and this incident. If you want to save the friendship you'll both have to forgive and forget. If it's not that important to you, then just move on.
Hope this helps,
Pam
2007-08-02 17:17:47 · answer #3 · answered by Pam T 2 · 6⤊ 1⤋
Are you sure that you are mature enough to be married? I really don't understand people who think that because they are getting married that the world should revolve around them for both the wedding and all the time leading up to it.
A wedding should be a celebration of a new marriage and joining of families and friends - not an excuse to treat people like servants and then b*tch about it later.
At my wedding I tried to make sure that all of our guests (including attendants) were as comfortable as possible - even if that meant allowing them to bring a guest that was not my favorite person. It was very important to me that everyone feel welcome and included.
I am sorry that you have such miserable memories of your wedding and that you are still carrying around such anger and spite about this situation. Your bridesmaid did not live up to your expectations - any chance your expectations were too high?
Were you expecting a perfect day with perfect people inviting perfect guests and giving perfect presents?
You should just get over this. You can't go back and redo the day - all you can do is try to focus on your new husband and life together. Put down your toteboard of grievances against this bridesmaid - seriously - what do you expect her to do? Turn back the clock for you so you can have a do-over?
I think it was tacky of you to even bring it up with her unless you are going to give her a way to help resolve the issue. It sounds more like you just want to put her down and make her feel like a bad person - which she obviously isn't, otherwise why would you have asked her to be a bridesmaid?
My honest best wishes to you and your husband for a wonderful life together - and good luck to you and your friend for some peaceful resolution to your fight.
2007-08-03 00:21:15 · answer #4 · answered by Mirage 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like it was simply a bad fit for both of you to have her as a bridesmaid. You're not "obligated" to invite her friend to the wedding - but if everyone else is issued the "and guest" invitations, I think it's tacky to single out one person and tell them they can't bring a guest. It's still not an excuse to slack off on the bridesmaid duties, however - she could have simply turned down your offer to be a bridesmaid if she felt it wasn't something she wanted to do.
2007-08-02 18:12:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
To clarify, I am the person she is talking about. I spent money on a dress, the bachelorette party, a wedding shower gift and other wedding related expenses. Others who were not involved in the bridal party were allowed to bring their dates. I wanted to wait until after the wedding to tell the bride that I could not afford a gift and would get her something within a year. I don't have a lot of because I am a full-time student. My "date" is someone we both have known for years. She came after the dinner. I was told via email not to bring her because the bride wanted to save money. I didn't spend much time with my "date" at all during the reception. The bride was busy most of the time too. I didn't want to interrupt her while she was attending to her other guests. Before you bash me remember that there are two sides to every story.
And for the record I was not a crappy attendant. I danced and had a good time with all of the guests. She was too busy dealing with three of her other friends fighting with eachother outside to notice.
Also, I was at one of the 2 wedding showers that she had. I got the dress on time and I was at the whole entire bachelorette party. I was the one whon ran out before the ceremony to make sure that the bride had champagne at the church. I didn't not know that I couldn't bring my friend until after my friend put up money and went to the bachelorette party.
Thank you JM! I called her a bridezilla just joking around and she got mad.
2007-08-02 19:34:15 · answer #6 · answered by Violante 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
You did nothing wrong as far as etiquette goes...even though her being disappointed was understandable, she was extremely selfish when she hurt you and dampened your wedding spirit out of her own anger. If and when she gets married, she can have as many or as few guests as she pleases. Don't worry -- you are not in the wrong here. She should have been more considerate of your wishes.
She might even be using that excuse as...well, an excuse. Maybe she is just a really tacky person, and rather than take the blame and responsibility, she tried to peg it all on you. Either way, I'm sorry for your troubles. Hope things get better for you soon!
2007-08-02 17:16:30 · answer #7 · answered by MB 3 · 3⤊ 2⤋
If you were concerned that she would be disappearing and making it "about her," then why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid? I think all attendants should be entitled to bring a date (not necessarily a friend, though.) I think you were wrong to call her out on it (the no gift thing and not helping out). You stooped to her level.
It's over now, so just forget about it. I would think that you aren't really very close to this girl anymore?
______________
After reading her comment, I'd have to say it does sound kind of like you were being a bridezilla.
2007-08-02 22:38:17 · answer #8 · answered by Silly Sally 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You didn't say if your other attendants were allowed to bring guests or not. When I was MOH in my friend's wedding, she initially wouldn't allow me to bring a guest - even though both bride's maids were bringing guests and all 3 of the groom's men were allowed to bring guests (two of them did). I was pretty insulted and told her I didn't think it was fair. But, if you didn't allow other attendants to bring guests, then I think it's okay that she's not allowed either.
About the gift... her spending money on the dress and other things throughout the planning and for the wedding is her gift to you. People aren't required to give you a gift as a part of their invitation.
2007-08-02 17:40:37 · answer #9 · answered by tink 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
1. You know the girl is like this, so why did you want her to be in the wedding? Did you think she would act differently?
2. It was very rude of you to not allow her a guest. Everyone you invite to a wedding should be allowed a guest. (Mr. Jones & guest) If the guest is of the same sex that should not be a problem. I too would be offended if I was not allowed to bring a guest - especially as one of the bridal party.
3. No one is obligated to give you gifts. She bought a dress and probably contributed money to a shower/bachelorette party. She should have given you one but it sounds like she was too pissed off at your actions.
4. You are sounding like a bit of a bridezilla actually. People get so caught up in what they want, and the me me me of it all that they forget common sense and manners. What was it that made you ask this girl to be a bridesmaid to begin with? Get back to that, apologize for your error on the guest and move on.
2007-08-02 17:37:12 · answer #10 · answered by JM 6 · 3⤊ 3⤋