Brother is having a $50,000+ wedding. His fiance' is an only child from a family that spoils her rotten, they aren't really wealthy though. At the shower I gave a $150 gift and thought it was generous until her friends and family gave $500+ gifts. Now the wedding is here and we were planning on giving a $250 check and a $50 item from their registry. Normally I know that would be appreciated but I have a feeling that she and my brother, who has changed since he met this woman, will be upset with us for not giving more. I know that sounds crazy but I am seriously worried about starting World War II over our "cheap" gift. Not sure what my question is? How to handle this and avoid ruining the relationship I guess.
2007-08-02 06:00:05 · 33 answers · asked by Luv2Answer 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
To the person who said I wasn't giving enough. . .I am so tired of people who think the cost of the wedding should be subsidized by guests. It's a gift, nothing more. I am in the wedding and already had to spend $450 on my dress, shoes and alterations.
2007-08-02 07:01:23 · update #1
You can only afford to give what you can afford to give. Opt out of the arms race for gifts and give your brother what you were planning to give him.
Anyone who would consider you 'cheap' for giving them $300 worth of gifts is just plain crass and heartless. Adding in the shower gift, you're talking about spending nearly $500 on your brother. Neither of my brothers spent anything like that on me, and it would never occur to me to be unhappy about that! One guest at our wedding gave us a set of plastic measuring spoons, and I was just as pleased by that gift as I was the set of professional-grade cookware my father gave us. Why? Because it came from the heart. She couldn't afford anything expensive, but she still wanted to give a token to support our marriage.
I still use those measuring spoons nearly every day, so they were one of the best and most useful gifts we were given. Who cares that they probably cost her about $5, if that?
Don't go into debt for someone who is going to concentrate on pricetags over sentiment or support. And if $450 isn't enough to buy peace, then the price is far too high.
2007-08-02 07:01:07 · answer #1 · answered by gileswench 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A wedding isn't about the gifts anyways, giving them a $150 gift is VERY generous! Your brother and his fiance should appreciate it and be grateful that you thought of them. I wouldn't give them one cent more, maybe get them a gift from their registry but no more money! Apparently if they are having a $50,000 wedding I seriously don't think that they need the money. You don't have to keep up with the family, just give what you can afford, there's no need in going into debt for a wedding gift, it's the thought that counts, and the fact that you are attending their wedding should be a gift in itself. It would make me feel very weird if someone gave me that much or actually anything over $50. I absolutly do NOT think that you are being cheap in any way. If they have a problem with what you already gave them then they are just being selfish and ungrateful. I don't think that you should stress yourself over this and worrying about starting a family war, cuz so many people would side with you and your gifts. If you have $500 just laying around and are a very very generous person then go for it, if not then you and them should be happy with what you already gave them as that was extremly nice of you, besides you're probably not the only one that didn't fork out that much for a gift! Good luck and hope everything works out for you! : )
2007-08-02 07:34:26 · answer #2 · answered by PennyLane 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have already been very generous. A $150 shower gift was very nice of you.
You should give them what you feel is appropriate (your idea sounds perfect) and not feel like you have to keep up just because others are spending more. That is their choice.
Your brother (or future sister in law) should not be judging their guests (especially their family) by the dollar amount of their gift. That's pretty shallow and if they do say anything, you might want to remind them. They should just appreciate having you being a part of the wedding and sharing the day with them.
Bottom line - what you buy them is your choice, not theirs, and especially considering you are already paying more as you are 'in' the wedding, you are being very generous with your gift.
Good luck!
2007-08-02 07:34:27 · answer #3 · answered by txbrit 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you! I agree with the others - if they can't appreciate a $300 gift ($450 if you count the shower gift), then that's their problem. I personally feel that's really generous!
I know a few people like that and I don't give them cheques. They can then critique how much you spent. Why not just spend that money on an actual gift so they won't know how much you spent? You can always buy something that's fancier but still inexpensive and they will never know.
Good luck! Really, if they can't appreciate the amount of the gift you're giving them, that's their problem.
2007-08-02 06:47:32 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Who says you have to keep up? You shouldn't feel intimidated by these people. First of all, it was a very generous shower gift, and there is nothing wrong with what you are planning to do for the wedding gift. However, usually immediate family doesn't give money, so you might want to rethink that. Maybe a piece of sculpture or something arty that no one else will know the price of? Pottery set, etc - something by local artisans.
2007-08-02 08:59:06 · answer #5 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are just fine. I would not worry about it. You are giving what you can, I'm sure that they will understand that. That is more than I gave my brother (who married one of my bestfriends) for his wedding. I couldn't afford gifts like that, so they didn't get gifts like that from me. You can only do what you can! Don't go crazy trying to keep up with other peoples gifts. It is not about the size of the present or how much it costs. What matters is that you care enough to let this bother you. But, you shouldn't let it bother you. You are obviously a very loving and caring sister!
GIVE WHAT YOU WANT and WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD...not a penny more!
2007-08-02 06:11:12 · answer #6 · answered by betney109 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Give the gift you WANT to give them. It is insanely rude of them to expect anything besides good wishes from their guests. Gifts are given freely, not because the giver HAS to or because the recipient expects it. If they don't understand that and can't be grateful, that is their problem. I think you are being more than generous already. If they don't see it the same way, just shrug and know that you are being the bigger person here. If they confront you over the issue, just explain that you gave what you thought was appropriate and within your budget. You wish them all the best and hope they have a wonderful marriage.
Good luck
2007-08-02 06:06:57 · answer #7 · answered by corinne1029 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If they are going to be petty about how much a gift cost my first impulse is to say they don't need one. A gift isn't required in the first place. Give what you can and that's that. If either one of them is willing to terminate your relationship because you "only" gave 300 dollars as a wedding gift then they need to seriously refocus their priorities. I gave my brother and sister in law things I made for them because I was in school and flat broke. The present I gave them is still on display in the house. They couldn't tell you where some of the other more expensive gifts are to this day.
2007-08-02 06:12:52 · answer #8 · answered by indydst8 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
If she's going to marry into your family, presumably she knows you and has a general idea of what you can afford. She shouldn't expect you to give more than your finances can reasonably bear, or you to compete with her other, more affluent guests.
If she and your brother choose to be greedy and offended, then that it their problem, not yours.
Give what you feel is appropriate for a wedding gift for a family member, that fits within your budget, and err about 15% on the side of generosity since it's so important to them. If you get the chance, just mention that you saw all sorts of other grand gifts you wish you could have gotten them, but your finances just don't allow you to be as generous as you would like and they deserve (this little white lie should sooth their egos). If they choose to be offended after this, that's their problem and you shouldn't bother yoruself over it.
2007-08-02 06:07:49 · answer #9 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Mention to your mom that you already spent $150 on the shower gift and that you only plan on spending $300 more & see what she says. If she doen't have a problem with it don't worry about your brother.
If you never speak to your sister in law again over a cheap gift, then she wasn't worth talking to to begin with.
2007-08-02 09:34:55 · answer #10 · answered by ee 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋