Sexual addiction/manic depression?

Question

I'm in a confused state these days. Over 8 mos ago, my ex(the only guy I ever at one point thought I'd end my life with) passed away at the untimely age of 30. It's been very hard for me to get over, & recently I've been feeling more depressed about it than ever...8 mos later! I will have a dream about him or something in my waking life will remind me of him, and then I will sink into a state of depression and it'll be near-impossible for me to snap out of it for several hrs. :(

I've also experienced a surge in sexual desire. I've always been overly sexual, but lately I've taken comfort in hanging out with my ex's friends(people I'd hooked up w/ before we'd started dating), since we can relate about my ex. I don't do drugs, so sex is like my drug to focus off the pain of my ex. I'm getting more dependent on it, to the point that I'm writing about this while at WORK!(obviously my mind's not on work) It seems to be 1 thing or the other...think about sex or be really depressed...

Sometimes I worry that sex/depression is interfering w/ work. For example, I am writing about my problem while I'm at my job. At my part-time job yesterday(serving drinks at a bar), I spent a good portion of the time chatting up the manager about his punk rock pornstar friends that I want to get with lol. Yeah it was kind of dead, but I focused more on these guys(they came into the bar as customers last week) as sex objects, than I spent on working the crowd for drinks. I feel like sex(or the reward of sex after a long day of work) is my motivating factor. I feel like it is saving me from drowning in depression about my ex, who I think about constantly STILL.

Is this normal? And is it abnormal that it's been 8 mos and I still haven't "snapped out of it" yet? Am I psychologically doomed, like most of my friends & ***** buddies that have psychological and/or drug issues? How can I focus better on work without getting depressed or listless?

To Doc2: That's a good idea and thanks, but I don't like "nice guys" haha. LOL unlike most girls, all I want is an asshole like myself, someone I can relate to, bang, and have no strings/emotions attached. I tend to go for alt rock looking guys, and sometimes guys in uniform such as cops or military guys also. I actually prefer assholes over the sterotypical boring "nice guy"! Haha.

To James: Thank you for your very valid concern. When I say drug users though, I'm not referring to hard drugs or needles...mostly just weed & drinking(yes, alcohol's a drug). As for STDs, 90% of the people are guys that I've been w/ over a few yrs(off & on). But you do bring up good points. I think the biggest danger I'm facing right now is risk of pregnancy(thankfully I take precautions...although I know from experience that even they're not 100%!).

Answer 1

Get a therapist... I really don't think that what you're doing is healthy.

Answer 2

Don't feel guilty for your sexual desire. If you have a naturally high libido to begin with, this just might be your way of dealing with stress. It's your form of escape. You were probably used to exercising this outlet with your ex, but that's no longer possible. Of course the desire is going to remain even when the primary satisfier is gone. I'd be more worried if you bottled up and didn't do these things. There is nothing wrong with seeking companionship and even sex from someone else, as long as you are safe.

However, if sex consumes your thoughts at work, you might want to seek counseling. In this context, it seems to impair your daily functioning. Again, there is nothing wrong with your desire per se, but it might be a sign of loneliness. Keep talking to your ex's friends, but don't neglect finding other friends so that he won't consume your thoughts all the time. Cultivate your hobbies on the side. You need to focus on other things, too.

Answer 3

the grieving process can take much much longer than a few months. you should know that its completely normal to be beside yourself with sadness and depression 8 months after loosing a partner. you are going through one of the hardest things( if not THE hardest thing ) that you will ever go through in your life. i lost my partner 4 1/2 years ago (he was only 29 and we had a family together). i cant even remember the first 6 months after he died, and it definately took 2 years to come out of the fog. so in your case, after 8 months, you are still in a very wierd place.
with regards your obsession with sex, this is just your way of dealing with the extreme pain. some people hit the bottle or take drugs (perscription or otherwise). you have found something that takes away the agony - it is your way of surviving. at one stage in my own recovery i partied a lot at the weekends, got drunk a lot, and craved mindless sex (the rest of the time i was frantic with grief and depression). i allowed myself to do this for a while, and the need eventually passed. in fact, looking back, my therapist did warn me that i may begin to do this but at the time i couldnt imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else for the rest of my life. dont be too hard on yourself, just have fun and mind yourself. there will always be someone to take advantage of your very fragile state. if you are still feeling like this in a years time, then you should start worrying. i hope you are seeing a berievement therapist. it does help. you have a good life to look forward to. good luck.

Answer 4

You haven't totally worked through the death experience. There are five stages and if you skip one, or are traumatized by the death, you will need to do some work at "fixing" yourself. See the following site for help on the stages and be sure you use protection with sex. It could be easy right now to "not care" about your own safety.

I personally feel that this sexual addiction is a good thing. It feeds the body and soul and as long as it is consentual and you "know" yourself well enough not to do what will cause guilt, go for it. The release is theraputic.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss...

We are all different when it comes to grieving, hon... and 8 months isn't very long. You might do a search on line for GRIEVING PROCESS, GRIEF SELF-HELP. You will find resources for help and information about the grieving process -- i think after you've checked it out you won't fee so "abnormal".

Your sex drive returning is perfectly normal. Perhaps you are interested in a sexual relationship right now, but not an actual "boyfriend"... i don't think that is abnormal. but if you do something like this, you need to take precautions, for YOU.

if you feel as if you're stagnating, and it's taking too long to move on, consider therapy? i'm sorry you're struggling.
hugs

Answer 6

Sexual addiction is an overworked diagnosis. You are just lonely and depressed. Find a nice man and have sex. You do not have to marry him.

Answer 7

You need to see a professional as in a therapist etc. This is obviously your way of dealing with you lose but I believe your know this is not a healthy way.

Answer 8

what would really help you, is getting a new bf, the one u will love...

but thats not easy, if you still cant get over your ex (sorry for it:( ) and if you see guys as sexual objects only

im not sure doctors can help but u could try that too =/

Answer 9

i get this at times, it's just your body's way of distinguishing between good and bad and trying to help you develop coping mechanisms.

i'm sorry for your loss and i promise it will get better in time. keep having fun just make sure it's not at your own expense, so be prepared and remembe rif you cant be good... be careful!

Answer 10

If there is an afterlife, your ex is watching you screw all these other people.

How do you feel now.