My 20 yr old step-daughter moved in with her 26 yr old boyfriend, very much against my and her mother's advice. We know we can't stop her, but we strongly reccommened against it and in no way, shape, or form support her decision. Now, she's asking for help with money and wants us to buy things for the apartment (curtains, microwave, etc.). Of course we love her to death, but how much help should we give, if any at all?
2007-08-02 00:54:12 · 13 answers · asked by Jim C 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Tough love is a phrase that comes to mind right now.
Though you love her very much, she's an adult, and she made the choice to spread her wings and fly the nest.
I might ask why her 26-year-old boyfriend can't help pay for curtains, a microwave and other comforts of home. I might also ask, does she NEED these things, or are they simply luxuries - which are an unnecessary expense at this time.
Typically, when someone moves out of the house, they are saying to the world, "Okay. I'm ready to take care of myself and give life on my own a chance."
If she's really in financial trouble, you might offer her the opportunity to move home.
If you help her, you may be teaching her that you'll ALWAYS help her. What happens when you've had enough of spending money for her and her boyfriend to live comfortably? What happens if something happens to you and/or your wife and you are unable to assist her any longer? If you teach her to constantly depend on you, and are suddenly no longer able to help her, she may be completely lost or she may resent you for cutting off the support.
It hurts to show tough love, but you need to remember, she's over 18 and she has decided to show that by making an adult decision to move out and move in with her much older boyfriend.
If he's that old, and obviously experienced with living on his own, why is he having trouble helping her take care of their needs and wants?
I really wish you the best!!!
2007-08-02 01:05:59 · answer #1 · answered by diva_500 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
while a 26 twelve months old makes a selection to pass out, it somewhat is all strategies good different than to pass with somebody; and that i comprehend that's tricky, yet I unquestionably have had to attain for my daughter besides, many circumstances so each now and then, that's what happens even after 18. attempt and be there to your daughter as much as a risk; yet permit her comprehend that's your determination, and this your existence, yet area of transforming into good determination contain person hood. tell her you do no longer innovations getting her some issues right here, and there, that are mandatory, by using fact you like her, and intend to make her chuffed, yet sacrifice comes with person determination. i'm specific if this guy isn't certainly one of those guy who's good for her she would be able to come back around, yet do no longer permit her relationship with you, and her mom decline by using fact she has made determination you do no longer trust. by using fact now could be time she desires your help and a few of you funds. And by ability of continuously help her this would desire to help her to have confidence your determination, and he or she would be able to be grow to be wiser with hers.
2016-10-01 06:08:50 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she had moved out into her own apartment, what would you have been willing to buy her?
Personally, I think the boyfriend is a whole separate issue. And the more you don't like him, often times the more she WILL. But the fact is, there will be at least a couple guys you don't like. Ultimately that's her choice and if you want her to be part of your life, you are going to have to support her choice in boyfriends (barring abusive ones).
2007-08-02 01:34:07 · answer #3 · answered by i_have_cheese_dreams 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You should stick to your guns, you have already made your mind up that you are against her course of action. In fact you state in your question that you in no way, shape or form support her action, which includes financially if you are serious about that statement. Children grow and learn from mistakes, so don't worry if it is a mistake it will still be beneficial to her.
2007-08-02 01:14:36 · answer #4 · answered by Adam S 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
IF your step-daughter moved into her OWN apartment, then I would see no reason in not helping her start her adult life. HOWEVER, since she moved in with her boyfriend and with their TWO incomes they should be able to buy these things themselves.
ONCE you start helping THEM pay for things, you will end up being suckered into doing this a lot as it seems clear that HE can't provide for HIS household.
2007-08-02 01:01:19 · answer #5 · answered by Patty G 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Support her with love, but don't condone her actions, If she wants something make her earn it by doing chores for you and your wife and that way she earns it and you are not supporting her decision but you are giving her a way to get things without having to give up her independence either.
2007-08-02 01:03:32 · answer #6 · answered by outlaw95205 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you give her help now then she is going to ask for help again and again and again.... does she and her boyfriend have a job? She should be able to make up the money herself if she works hard enough
2007-08-02 00:59:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Her and her boyfriend were adult enough to get their own apartment and they need to be adult enough to furnish it themselves. It's not going to kill them to start out with the basic neccessities. If they insist that you help furnish it and pay their bills, give them a list of things that you want for your home too and bills that you need paid.
2007-08-02 01:49:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
do they have jobs?? they should have thought about all this before they moved in together if you keep helping her she's going to keep relying on you if you want to buy them a housewarming gift then do it but let them know you cant help them
2007-08-02 02:42:39 · answer #9 · answered by marianne l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give her nothing.. but offer to move her to her own apartment and buy her stuff for it.
2007-08-02 01:29:07 · answer #10 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋