My son is almost eight. His bio dad and I haven't been together since he was in utero, really. I am married - we have a daughter together. My husband is a loving, involved father to my son - he doesn't differentiate between his bio child and his step child (AT ALL). Great, right?
Well, my son's bio dad is a mess. We've maintained a fairly friendly "relationship" with him over the years, but he's been sliding into the bottle for years, and his life is a wreck. He hasn't seen our son in months, (only sees him if we bring our son to his business (restaurant-long hours)...he says that he has no time off, and when he does he's too depressed to see our son. Absentee dad...
Except he's not totally absent. Every couple of months, he'll call to talk to our son, and it leaves the kid devastated because he doesn't see his dad....he calls to hear how much he's loved and missed, but it HURTS the kid. How do I tell him (nicely) to put up or stop calling? Heart-to-hearts haven't worked so far...
2007-08-01 10:52:59 · 10 answers · asked by sylvyahr 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Doodle - I appreciate your concerne re: mental illness, but I have spoken with my son many times about his father's alchoholism. Knowing that there are reasons behind the man's behavior doesn't make the behavior okay, and it doesn't make it not hurt - the child is not een eight years old!
i, too have plenty of experience indealing with mental illness and addiction, and am sensitive to those subjects....
2007-08-02 01:09:34 · update #1
I agree with you. When it comes to being a parent, its an all or nothing thing.
I had a father who I never laid eyes on until i was 18 years old. Like your son, I had a (step) daddy who loved me like his own.
I watched some of my best friends grow up with fathers who are like your ex. It was SOOO destructive to their lives. They often commented that I was the lucky one, because at least my bio dad didnt pretend to want to be involved. I was perfectly happy without him. My friends were all miserable, and have had a lot of relationship problems as adults.
If it was me, I'd flat out tell him he has x-ammount of time to become an active part of your sons life, or to drop out of it completely. You wont allow this wishywashy junk. Its soo unfair to yank a kid around like that. I would never allow it. Good luck, I know this is a hard situation.
It would probably be bad to force him out of your childs life, because then your son may resent you and idolize his father. Just tell your ex that he needs to be mature and make this decision NOW for the sake of his child.
2007-08-01 10:59:29 · answer #1 · answered by Bomb_chele 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your son. At least his father calls. Depression is a medical problem and you should do some research on and then talk to your son about it. You will find that many depressed people use alcohol to self-medicate. The restaurant business doesn't help (a lot of people on the edge slide into alcoholism working at one). That doesn't make them bad people, but since you haven't talked to your son about it, of course it hurts. Also, consider contacting a counselor and finding out how to discuss depression with your son so that the calls aren't so painful. Your son will understand then that a medical problem is involved.
Depression is often inherited. Ignoring it is not very smart as your son could very well end up with depression as an adult. No matter how wonderful your husband is, his Dad will always be his Dad. Consider bringing the boy to visit his Dad more often.
2007-08-01 11:02:39 · answer #2 · answered by CarbonDated 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He's a bonified loser! Your son can't be subjected to his behavior and you need to do what's best for your son. Tell the bio that if he is going to be a dad then be a dad and if not then just leave the boy alone because it's tearing him up. I know you want to be nice but your son is most important and he can't keep going through that. It's your job to protect him. Tell him he has a lot to prove to your son and it's his choice what he wants to do but he can't be an on again off again type of parent you won't allow that and you won't allow your son to be around him when he's been sucking down the booze. I have a mom who is a prescription drug addict and alcholic with depression/bipolar disorder and I tell you my life is a living hell with her involved in it she is way to dependant and I'm 24. She hasn't spoken to my brothers in over a year and they don't care because they know the behavior is not good for them. I'm sorry for your son, if you talk to him he will understand.
2007-08-01 11:07:34 · answer #3 · answered by kella l 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest you write him an informal letter detailing your concerns for your son's mental and emotional well being in the hope that the written word will have more power than the spoken one.
Cutting him out of your son's life is not your right so I really do commend you for continuing to try and make it work... good on you!! :-)
Hope it works out, all the best.
2007-08-01 11:15:01 · answer #4 · answered by Expecting1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him to either stop calling or actually be in your sons life because only being able to talk on the phone to him every few months hurts him because he wants to see his dad alot
2007-08-01 11:00:35 · answer #5 · answered by Keligh P 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was a step dad also so i know how he feels. When i was married To my first wife I thought my stepson was the greatest thing in the world . I don't believe in the sperm donor as some say but he should not butt into your business . I don't think it matters who rises the kid but if his father wants see him let him but set rules down to him so he don't inter-fer with you and your husband . My stepson's real dad caused allot of problems between us . so just tell him and good luck
2007-08-01 11:29:41 · answer #6 · answered by dean 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dont tell the bio father to stop calling cause then he has a reason to blame you. he will say later on that you prevented things.
the kid will blame you when he grows up..trust me.
let your kind find out and make his own decison about his dad. I know its hard for u to sit back and watch but..try.
one thing will be for sure...you are there 100% for ur kid. he will always remember you.
good luck
2007-08-01 11:00:55 · answer #7 · answered by ♥omo♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you have to be nice when it comes to your son. Tell him he is hurting your son and he either needs to be part of his life more or not at all.
2007-08-01 11:02:46 · answer #8 · answered by mike m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This SPERM donor doesn't need to be hanging around causing drama in YOUR FAMILY. Your poor husband?!! Sounds like you have married a winner, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like a step-father. Talk to your husband about adopting your son. Your son DOES NOT NEED THE SPERM DONOR in his life. Get a restraining order. Your son and husband deserve better
2007-08-01 10:58:42 · answer #9 · answered by Honeypai 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
THE BEST WAY IS TO GO TO COURT AND MAKE IT LEGAL
2007-08-01 11:02:27 · answer #10 · answered by sarah r 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋