Is this presumptuous?

Question

One of my bridesmaids was asked me if she could bring her boyfriend to my wedding next year. I said of course, why wouldn't he be invited? Then she told me "Well if he is not here (he travels for work), I'll just bring Amy." This is her friend, who neither my fiance or I know. We had been planning on putting her name and her boyfriend's name on the invite. If he can't make it, does she have the right to tell me she's bringing a friend instead?

Aside from the fact that our guest list is already very large (220 people so far, including guests), her friend does not know anybody at the wedding except for the bridesmaid. She would be sitting with a table of strangers. The bridesmaid on the other hand knows everybody.

Is it common to want to bring somebody to a wedding just for the sake of bringing somebody?

Furture Mrs B - you make a good point. However, she will know in enough in advance if he could make it or not.

I just think it is rude to tell me, not ask.

It looks like some of you did not read the whole question. The wedding is still a bit away. We haven't sent out invites yet, and she will know well before the RSVP cut off time if he can make it or not.

Also, I'm not "making a big deal" about it. I haven't said anything to my bridesmaid or anybody. It struck me as rude and I wanted to know other people's opinions.

Christian - We do have different ways of seeing things and that is fine. If I didn't welcome opinions other than my own, I would not have asked this question.

Thanks everyone for your answers.

I think I have been unclear with my wording and I apologize for that. I was not asking should she be able to bring a friend. I was asking if it was right for her to just tell me instead of ask.

I'm sure Amy is very nice, I have nothing against her. And I am not planning on saying anything to my bridesmaid. Not a fan of melodrama!

Answer 1

It's common because people no longer have good manners and view a wedding as a free party. Your bridesmaid is one of those people who lack good manners. You're allowed to say "I'm happy to include your boyfriend because he's special to you, but I'm not going to accommodate random replacmenet friends like that."

Answer 2

I agree I think it's a bit rude to just invite a friend that you don't know. I know I have been the substitute guest at a few weddings, but I have always known both the bride and groom.
(Most I was working at anyway.)

The fact that you don't know Amy makes it a bit weird. I would say something like "since you are going to be so busy as a bridesmaid and Amy doesn't know anyone, I would feel uncomfortable having her there and she probably wouldn't have a very good time."

Maybe her boyfriend will be able to come and you won't have to worry about it. Any chance she was joking?

Good luck!

Answer 3

As a wedding planner and a person who is overly aware of etiquette, I can say that it is not within the guidelines of good etiquette that she assume she can just substitute her boyfriend for any ol' person to your wedding.

The invite is going to be specifically addressed to her and her boyfriend - period. Usually, people who know wedding etiquette either work in the industry or have experienced a similar issue at their own or a friend's wedding or are planning their own and reading every etiquette book imaginable. So, while I can make you feel better in saying that you are correct to think she is being presumptuous, my agreeing with you doesn't really help you solve the problem.

So, let's see, I think you are making a good step in only putting the names of her and her boyfriend on the invitation. Perhaps the next time you speak to her, or as you get closer to the wedding date, you can inquire if she thinks her boyfriend will be able to make it. If she says that she's not sure, this is your opportunity to be kind, but firm and say something like, "Well, even if he isn't able to make it, at least you know a lot of people there. I think you may have mentioned bringing someone else in his place, but since we don't know her and she won't know anyone, we would prefer you didn't substitute anyone for your boyfriend." It's a sticky subject, but kindness and honesty will go a long way.

If all else fails find an etiquette book and give it to her as a present ;) just kidding.

Answer 4

If she is close enough to you to be your bridesmaid, which is usually a reserved position for a close friend or relative, I don't know why you would think this is rude. My close friends will sometimes pop in with an extra dinner guest who I am generally eager to feed and know because I love meeting those who are close to people I care about, it's something new we can share. I wouldn't think a true friend of mine wouldn't bring someone around me, especially on a special day who would make me, or others close to me, feel awkward or uncomfortable. You either don't think much of her as a friend or you just have a different view of how things should be. If you are paying for you guests per head she probably doesn't want a miss guest to go to waste either. The more people around you that care about your special day, the more memorable it will be.

Answer 5

Well, it is a bit presumptuous but do keep in mind that you've paid for a meal, etc. for two so it's not like an unplanned guest is showing up without a place setting.

Keep in mind also that if she's the type who can be comfortable at a table full of strangers, she may leave with a bunch of newfound friends and vice-versa. She could be an interesting addition to the evening's celebrations.

Unless you know this person to be someone who would cause trouble, I'd take the high road and extend the invitation to her friend and not make a big deal out of it.

Answer 6

If it were my wedding I would be fine with her bringing a friend, you would have the same number of guests as if her boyfriend showed up, and she is the one that will have to be there not knowing anyone. That doesnt bother some people. I can understand her point of view, I would want to have a friend to hang out with at a wedding as well.
But it is your decision. If you dont want her there then just address the RSVP to your friend and boyfriend, and you will have to let her know that she cant bring anyone else. I dont see that it should bother you but we are al wired differently.

Answer 7

At my wedding, I had a lot of "Oh, if my bf/gf can't make it, I'll just bring so and so." We had about 10 people who brought friends w/ them instead of bf/gf's, I had no clue who these people were. Not to mention the fact, those extra 10 people cost us over $1,500. To answer your question, yes it IS presumptuous, but I guarantee you, she won't be the only one to do this. If you can afford to feed these extra people, you prob. should just let it go. If you say something it will probably cause some hard feelings with your friend. You and your fiance will have to decide if it's worth the trouble to even bother.

Answer 8

I rekon it is a bit weird. I wouldnt want random strangers at my wedding. And if I was the friend I wouldnt want to come anyways. Odd in my book anyways. I'd just put the boyfriends name on the invite and add Invited guests only in there somewhere.

Answer 9

Why not? It isn't like she's asking to bring both at the same time. Maybe he won't know until the last minute whether he'll be here or not. Then you would be left paying for a meal that nobody is eating. At least if she has a backup, that plate isn't going to waste. I don't understand what the big deal is-you're accounting for her to have someone with her, does it really matter which someone it is??

If he gets decent notice, then yes, I suppose she should ask. There's no point in bringing a stranger with her for no reason. Why would she even want to bring someone who doesn't know anybody? I would ask her why she's doing this-maybe she's got what she considers a "good reason".

Answer 10

if she was going to bring her boyfriend, and was already included in the count, then there should be no problem with her bringing a friend along to take his place.


edit: i dont know why people keep saying her friend is "extra". she would just be taking thep lace of the boyfriend who couldnt make it. its not like she said she was going to bring the boyfriend and another friend. your head count will still be the exact same. yes, maybe she shold have asked, rather than told, but really if your planning for her +1 what difference does it make who that +1 is?

whats rude is addressing an invitation to a family of 4 and having each of the children bring a date. it wasnt family of 4 +guests for each. that happened to me and i just had to deal with it. or having someone say, oh well im not eating so the date of my child will eat my food. sorry but that doesnt work since they count plates and heads not who ate and who didnt. that happened to me as well. you just deal with it and move on!!!!