Step-Parent Adoptions, Is it worth the conflict?

Question

I hope I am in the right place for feedback... I am the Bio Father.. I have been married now for seven years. My wife wishes to adopt my daughter from my 1st marriage, my daughter also wishes this. She is 14yrs. I am all for it and feel it to be in the best interest of our daughter, however I know my ex-wife, my daughters mother, will more than likley have no part of it. She does owe a substantial amount in CS and Back CS, but is in contact with our daughter and carries a "relationship" with her. My daughter has been calling my wife "mom" since she was 8yrs old, I am not sure how to approach this. We have consulted an attorney and have him on retainer, but I feel (like with most lawyers) he is looking for the "payday" I guess my question is this... How do I know my daughter "Really" wants this for her and not so much for "step-mom"? and if she does should I proceed with allowing the attorney to send the "letter" to BioMom explaining we would like her to consent and terminate her legal rights as "mother"... Please help as I am one who prefers to avoid conflict when possible.. I know this will create conflict.

I have not talk privatly with my daughter yet.. Also to clear things up, It is not about the $$ I do well enough, it really stems from, God forbid, something happen to me (death) My ex-wife is not mentally capable of caring for a teenager... and should something happen to my current wife, inheritence is left to our 2 children and my daughter gets nothing... should she be left anything.. it is my understanding that "guardian or Parent" become executors to minor childrens estates...

Answer 1

Well, You are right, this will create a conflict, but it is one that you can live through.
There is no easy way around the issue you are facing, and to be honest with you, the back child support issues will not reflect on your wife whatsoever. Regardless of what your attorney may be telling you, not paying child support does not make biomom an unfit mother.
The good news is, if it can be considered good new, at the age of 14 in most states across the country, your daughter can choose for herself without moms expressed permission and even against her wishes where she wants to go and by whom she wishes to be adopted.
Here is the crux of the issue. If your wife is mom, and your daughter calls her mom, and they live like mom and daughter,... why do this in the first place. By your own admission your daughter *carries a relationship* with her biological mother. This move, while lateral to YOUR family, will feel like a betrayal to biomom and will forever affect any type of relationship your daughter has with her. These are things your daughter needs to be aware of before she makes her decision. If she is willing and in fact wants to cut all contact with her biological mom, she can. If she wants to be able to go to her biological mom when her heart is broken or she is having her first baby, or her husband passes away,... whatever the case may be that life holds for her,... that relationship will forever be affected by the fact that she turned to another woman and away from her mother.
THere are, of course bright sides to such a lateral move however. Permanacy for your wife and cementing the relationship between your daughter and her step mom. Lots of good. Just allow your daughter the opportunity to see both sides with out colors of prejidiced.
Good luck.

Answer 2

I've been through it. The mother will have to give up all her rights to the child. This will also end her child support obligation. You will need a lawyer and the child will also need a lawyer. I know it sounds goofy. When I adopted my daughter, I had to pay a second attorney to talk to her for 5 minutes and tell the judge he agreed it was in the child's best interest for me to adopt her. The adoption laws also very a little by state. In Texas we had to have been married for at least a year before we could file for the adoption. If the mother is contesting the adoption it could get very expensive very fast.

Answer 3

I agree that you should talk to your daughter. Make sure she understands that her mother will no longer have ANY legal rights. Now here's the hard part - the bio-mom may not consent, in which case you've wasted the money. My brother went through the same thing with his wife's daughter - but in that instance, the bio-father didn't want to have anything to do with his daughter, so my brother was able to get the consent form signed easily.

Answer 4

why complicate matters and put yourself through misery?

your ex wife would likely protest, so let it be!

just live your lives as you have been doing... your daughter knows who she is closest with, and an adoption paper doesn't change our lives or feelings.. or anything at all!

i think that, even if your ex wife isn't the greatest mom, it would be quite a blow and very difficult for you if you asked her to give up parental rights... because the fact remains, your ex will always be the biological mother, no matter what some court papers say.

i think that relationships are important... not court documents! and it's a wonderful thing your daughter respects and loves your current wife so much, she calls her "mom".

take care.

Answer 5

Ask your daughter what she wants. Her opinion should matter the most. If she wants to be adopted by her step mom, then she needs to say so, but that would mean that she would most likely never have contact with her biological mother again because she would take offence to it.

Answer 6

It's not going to be easy to avoid conflict. I'm the step-mom to a 6yr old boy. My now husband has had full custody since he was 3. I came into the picture and stepped in at the age of 4. His bio mom owes child support since he was 3 and has only seen him 5 times since not because she lives out of state or anything but because simply its by choice.
Your daughter is at a age where she can express herself much better than a 6yr old talk to her alone she may feel in a tough position if you speak to her with her step mom present. It's not easy I know this is a life altering decision but are there benefits for your daughter to have this change into her life? is the bio mom in a position where there is harm being done towards emotionally, mentally towards your daughter? There are a lot of things to weigh in. Are you willing to carry on a relationship with the bio mom after the adoption? I mean those are all questions you are going to need to ask? Is this about the money? I mean lets be real raising a child is hard financially if it is about money there are many ways to go about it. Go back to the courts and garnish her wages or like in my case this woman refuses to work to avoid paying the measly $50 a week shes set to pay so we have to go another route. Like I said its not going to be easy to avoid conflict however you can make things a bit smoother if you sort out all the feelings and uncertainties that you are having.

As for me since this woman doesn't work and is pretty much homeless with a criminal record miles long I'm optimistic about the courts. We know for a fact that she won't sign the papers willingly but at this time I've taken on the role of mom. I taught him to read, write, attended and participated at his school for activities, I'm the one rushing to the doctor when he is ill, the list goes on and on. She put that little boy thru hell he had severe anger problems for a boy of his age hitting,cursing,not listening, peeing on people, exposing himself in sexual manners you name it he did it the daycare finally had enough. I left my career and took on the role of full time mom providing discipline love and attention to him and we are all in counseling and things are getting better it takes time. He's been diagnosed with ADHD along with having severe trauma from what she exposed him to. I won't leave him though he's my little boy.

My little boy started referring to me as mommy on his own one day when i picked him up from daycare. He said that's my mommy! He may not have been born from me but I know that he was meant for me. This woman only comes when she has a new boyfriend who shes conned to thinking she's stable to show him off as if we care
only to come and yell at the child and confuse him bad mouthing me and telling him to call me names and that she hates him. I sorted her out real quick she did that once and it only took once for me to take her to the side and put her in her place. She can visit our boy on her visiting dates which she uses every blue moon but she will not come in here and destroy what we've accomplished a stable foundation and a loving family. She has a huge problem with me because I am 10yrs younger than my husband and also a educated professional Latina. Things are going to hit the fan but with her history I'm confident we are going to pull thru. Her family and us have a good relationship we all get along great and invite each other to functions her mom refers to me as a daughter in law and says she cant wait for me to have my own so our son can have a sibiling. As for the child support I can care less about that just let us be to have peace. She's had 3 years to get it together and her latest conviction was attempted murder with a deadly weapon. Seriously we can do without my son can do without and when he's grown he will understand. My husband wants the same and we already started the process. We aren't loaded financially but believe us every penny will be worth it. It's going to be tough but in the end you know what is good for your family.

***Added ****

In terms to the appointed legal guardian/parent becoming the executor if such thing happens to you or your wife I believe you are right check with your attorney though. Another reason we want me to adopt is for decisions such as vacations out of state or the country because I am from Mexican descent, school, even something as simple as religion we need her consent for baptism, certain life threatening medical decisions would require her consent for surgery where do we locate a homeless woman? People need to understand being the step parent isn't simply enough especially like you said if something were to happen to you what will become of the child. It's always your choice to maintain the relationship between your daughter and the bio mom even after the adoption like I said weigh the pro's and cons of this relationship and how it will benefit your daughter in the long run.