My boyfriend of one year has always told me he had a child as a teen dad, however due to circumstances the child was not in his life from the age of about 2 to 9 years old. The mother contacted him recently after years of not knowing his whereabouts and has started visits with him and the child.
I have no children nor do I want any at the moment and I never thought after a year of being with him that he would have a child in our lives at this point. He deserves to see her but it is making me feel left out. I was his special girl and now I am being put second. It is not like he had her from day 1 of our relationship and I grew accustom to it. Its been about a month since he had contact and now she is staying with him for a week and plans to stay a few times a month from now on.
I guess my question is how do I handle my emotions when a third party enters my cozy party of 2?
2007-08-01 08:16:32 · 13 answers · asked by confusedxnjx 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You handle it by being an adult. I understand your feelings and I'm not saying you shouldn't have them. But if you love him and there is no drama from the ex, then just make sure that you and he have your alone time and when the daughter is there you do things as a three-some. In the beginning he may not include you much as he needs to create a relationship with the girl, but this shouldn't be a big deal and it shouldn't be a total shun. If he's doing that, then just remind him how hard this new arrangement is to you as well and ask him to include you more. If however you really don't like the situation and don't want to be a part-time mom, then you may have to consider moving on.
2007-08-01 08:21:29 · answer #1 · answered by Brandy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's normally what happens when kids enter the equation.
He did play fair by you and told you from the beginning that he had a kid but had not seen it in a long time. That means that there was always a small chance the kid would show back up in his life.
If you are not comfortable with him having a child around you, your best bet is to end the relationship. He is going to pick his child over you, and he should. His child is his responsibility, no matter how long he tried to run from her.
Also, the mother of the child may try to start drama, or get between you and the boyfriend to break things up. Why, after 7 years, would she suddenly "find" where he was and bring the child?
You probably are best off finding someone else.
2007-08-01 08:23:53 · answer #2 · answered by BranFlan 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's probably not including you because you made it clear you don't want children. If you really have problems with the fact that he has a child, then maybe you don't belong together. That child should be his number 1 priority now. You will come second, especially since you aren't married. There will always be third parties coming in. There will always be family staying, family visiting, him going to visit someone, etc.
It's always best when someone says they have a child they don't know their wherabouts, it's always best to expect that that child could pop up at any moment.
2007-08-01 08:22:28 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its all brand new for him and he is trying to bond with her now. Give it time and the attention will eventually be more balanced between you.
If you cant handle it you should move on without him but the fact is that child needs him more than you do right now. How a girl sees her daddy will affect her in choosing a mate and she needs to know he loves her and is good to her.
If you stay you will just have to grow up a little and realize things are not all about you all the time.
2007-08-01 08:23:42 · answer #4 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get over it & grow up. If you love this man you are going to have to accept his child. If you don't think you can do that, then you need to let it go. His relationship with his child should be his priority. Why would you want a man who did not want to take care of his responsibilities? Try to include yourself in their activities if at all possible and maybe you want feel so left out. Good luck, cause babymama drama is a b..tch
2007-08-01 08:25:17 · answer #5 · answered by deelicious 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Might be you can gently express your wish to spend more time with him, and that you understand his joy of seeing her daughter or son, but that you are equally shocked, in that you did not prepare for this situation. And ask him, if he can make up the time with you. That you love him and would like him to be happy, but you miss the world of two.
And it might lighten your shoulder a bit if you try to engage more conversation with the teen, and try to be friends with her. I know you feel like she is 3rd party. But if you try to view the teen as a friend of your guy, (indeed teen and parents are friends), then you might feel better. Treat the teen like an adult, a adult friend of your man, this way you might not feel being taken place of.
Who knows, might be after chatting more with the teen, you two would be good friends. So ***key, try to treat the teen as a friend of yours or his... as equal...
If the teen reject you, that's the trouble part. In that case, you might want to show/act kind to her and let her now that you are on her side, not against her. When you can show that you care her as a friend, I am sure, her resentment will lower.
But you must be very patient and loving.
Sometimes this might seem to be hard, because of what is going on emotionally inside you. But you might try to understand and remind yourself how much a child need a father and what the teen has been missing. This might increase your toleration and love for the teen.
Hope this help
2007-08-01 08:29:02 · answer #6 · answered by deskof.vivian 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You very nicely break it off.
You are looking for someone who can give you his undivided attention and this guy is no longer it.
It's a waste of time to think you can hide how you feel for very long. You want to be the center of attention an he can't do that. His world now revolves around a 9 year old.
Unless YOU can change how you feel (I don't think that's likely) then the best thing for you and everyone else is if you just moved on.
2007-08-01 08:25:46 · answer #7 · answered by Collette L 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-19 08:36:42 · answer #8 · answered by eth 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it will hurt to talk to your man about feeling left out and wanting to feel like your apart of the gang too. He should understand that, especially if this isn't a fling and you guys are making future plans to be and stay together. Don't keep your feelings bottled up cause you'll just end up with resentment towards your man and his daughter.
2007-08-01 08:23:23 · answer #9 · answered by letgoletflow26 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its his daughter whether he's seen her from the start or not, thats his responsibility. Talk to him about the situation and come up with a solution. u have been number 1 from the start its hard to get shoved over by someone u dont know, let alone a child. if you love him that much u can learn to love the child too...
2007-08-01 08:21:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋