One parent vs. two parents at home...?

Question

I am a single mother raising two boys ages 5 and 10. They are well-behaved, smart, and have total respect for me. However, someone questioned my parenting, saying that because they are in a single parent home, they will grow up to be convicts, losers, bums, etc. and someone else said they can't possibly be well-rounded without the love and support of both parents. When I was married, it was worse because all he did was contradict me and intimidate the kids...

Any comments on single parenting vs. two parents? How were you raised? How are you raising your kids? All perspectives are welcome.

In answer to tracyellen, yes, the kids do have others in their lives...my oldest sees his dad regularly, and I have been dating a man for a year that they consider a mentor, friend, and hopefully someday a stepfather. My mother is around a lot, and the boys both love my brother and his family. My best friend is married with a teenage son, and they are our "extended family", whom we are with a lot...so yes, they have lots of others in their lives...at home though, it is just me. :o)

Answer 1

Single parents must do what they have to. I am sure you'd hope certain things had worked out differently, but they didn't. You can't waste time on what could have been.

IMO, the best possible opportunity for a child is growing up is in a two parent family with both a loving/involved mom and dad. That's the ideal, that's not to say, your children are now doomed, just that it takes even more effort on your part, something many single parents can't keep up with, there by creating the bad reputation.

Answer 2

I do think that an involved mother and father is the ideal situation. But when is anything ever ideal?! LOL

You know what is best for your kids. I think it would be way harder to be a single mom. But to automatically say your kids are going to be delinquents? That's just crazy. Only you know what it was like when you were married and only you can decide what is the healthiest situation for you kids.

I was raised by a single mom. It was hard for her. I definitely missed out on some things not having my dad around full-time. But I still turned out ok. :) (Honor roll student, graduated from college, never even got arrested. hehe)

If it's possible, I'd say try and make sure your kids have some "father figures" in their lives. Maybe a grandfather or uncle can fill that roll if their father can't? I think it is good for them (especially boys) to have an upstanding man in their lives as a role model.

Don't let other's opinions get you down, mama!

Answer 3

I don't think you necessarily need two parents. However, I do think kids do better when they have a stable and varied family to provide emotional support throughout there lives. In other words, any combination of mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends, etc. While is not,historically speaking, the norm for children to be reared in a home with only two people (despite what some people think), throughout human history it has been the norm for them to be raised by a varied family structure and tight knit community. As a parent, I know I need the help. You did not mention whether you had others involved in your kids' lives.

Answer 4

That person was quoting statistics from an era when single moms were also almost always desperately poor, and had been abandoned by their babies' fathers and the community itself. The children had no regard for the mom, as no one else did either.

Today it's different. I was reared by two parents (until my father died). I reared my daughter alone after age 8, for the same reasons as you--I divorced a husband who behaved like a cretin toward her and me. A few people made similar comments to the ones you received, and I got a book--"Miss Manners Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" and did everything it said. One of the things she said was to cut negative people out completely, and I did that with no second thoughts.

My daughter graduated in biology from an Ivy League university, and is now in med school. She is well-disciplined through inner direction instead of imposed fear, and quite happy.

Your boys are doing great and will be fine. Don't allow people around yourself or your kids who make such comments, even if they are your own family. Trust yourself (and them) to create wonderful memories and a good life.

Answer 5

Now that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! My mom raised us by herself, after divorcing my step father, which in my opinion was the best thing she ever did! He was the meanest man in the world, to me and my sister cuz we were not his children, but getting off track here, i was 11 my sister was 9 then the younger ones, my 5 year old brother and my 3 year old sister, the younger of my siblings are now 15 and 13 and still respectful of my mother, never talk back to anyone doesn't matter who it is, they grew up never knowing their father and i can't see them being convicts, I'm not, my sister isn't. Don't let some idiot question you, me and the father of my little girl are together and it just makes it easier, i don't question single parents, if they love their kids then they will do a great job at being a parent and raising wonderful children.

Answer 6

The number of parents does not matter as much as the quality of the parenting. Ideally, every child would have a loving Mom and Dad, but these days, single parent or same sexed parent homes are on the rise, and kids are not suffering for it- most turn out to be productive adults.

Let's not forget- plenty of kids who have the traditional 2 parents still turn out to be wrecks in adulthood.

Answer 7

My dad was a single parent to me and my sister. He got custody of us when we were just barely teens. My sister is in a happy marriage now, has two reallly cool kids and a great job. I am a SAHM with two kids, a good husband and a dog, a certified storm spotter reporting to a local tv station and lovin it. We have never touched drugs, committed a crime and don't believe in child abuse. We learned from our parent's UNHAPPY marriage, what do do and not to do. It can be done. It sounds like you made a good decision leaving an unhappy marriage. It is ok to be a single parent!

Answer 8

I was raised in two different two parent at home due to my mother married twice. If the children are born to a one person family then it's stressful on the single dad or mom because they have to be both mother and father. It's also hard on the children growing up without a father or a mother in the home because the girls can't know how to be a woman without a mother and the boys can't know how to be men without a father in their lives. My future kids if I can get pregnant will be raised in a two parent home.

Answer 9

One parent may be difficult to handle and raise a child. That child may end up with some struggle ahead in life. 2 parents are better. They both have good advice so if you don't agree with one, agree with the other. If you are fighting with one parent, go to the other.

Answer 10

I don't think that growing up in a single homes means anything more than that they have a strong female presence in their lives.

While two-parenting homes are ideal, you haven't doomed your kids. They have obviously been raised correctly, and NO ONE has the right to tell you that they will grow up to be anything but bright, sucessful men. You did the best for them by getting them out of a bad situation.

I applaud you!