My SIL is getting married in December. My son turns 2 in October. I really don't want to go to a wedding

Question

with a 2 year old. I think it is inappropriate and he will be bored and not understand why he has to act a certain way. Anyone else been through this senario? I know my in-laws are going to think we should be there. There will already be lots of little ones there. The bride has 3 kids, ages 2, 3 and 4. My other SIL has 2 kids, an infant and a 3 yo. My BIL has 2 step kids, ages 10 and 14. I just don't want to do it. Any suggestions?

I don't know anyone who I would trust to babysit. We don't live in the same city as my in-laws.

I'm DEFINITELY not embarrassed of my son. He's GREAT. I just don't want to have to make him got to an affair where he will be bored and grouchy.

I live over 3 hours south of the in-laws. My family is another 4 hours north. My son has one stayed with a sitter once for 2 hours and she was my sister's regular sitter.

I think I didn't expalin this well enough. This isn't going to be a grand wedding with music and good food. It will be during the day with punch and a cake made by the bride. There won't be some nice reception with dancing. These folks are country.

BTW, the 14 yo is NOT the type of boy I would let care for my child. He is not kind and not well behaved. He's actually very distructive and mean. The family joke (behind the BIL's back) is that the kid in on his way to prison.

We moved here to my home in February and I've never lived in their hometown and literally do not know anyone there.

If this were my wedding, I wou't ask anyone to leave their child at home, but I would be gald if they did. I don't think kids under 10 really belong at functions like this. Also, if this were my wedding, the reception wouldn't be punch and cake, it would be dinner and drinks and I KNOW small children shouldn't be around folks when they are drinking.

Sorry, I mean to write "wouldn't ask anyone to leave".

To the person who said it sounds like it don't approve of them or whatever, you are right, I don't. My MIL has been "dating" a married man for about 9 years (but she's got herself and engagement ring), the bride who is still getting state assistance because they don't know her fiance lives with them, just got a tummy tuck/boob job, and both of my BIL's are druggies, one on meth and one on pot. So, NO, I don't like these people. My hus is the only one who isn't a total mess, although the groom is a VERY nice person, even if he has been in prison for domestic violence). I think my hus was found in the bushes as a baby or something. When I 1st met them I was SO shocked. I guess the thing is that they make me very tired.

This doesn't have anything to do with the food! My sis had punch and cake. That's not the issue. I just brought it up because everyone seened to think it was a big festival with dancing.

Answer 1

THANK YOU. You are a good mother. Despite what someone else thinks, this is not about being embarrassed or wanting to party; this is about what's best for your child because he'll be miserable if he isn't disruptive.

I was seated toward the front of the church recently. Behind us was a family with two elementary aged girls and a two year-old. Before the wedding started, the mother leaned forward to say, loud enough to be heard over his babbling, "I'll just go ahead and apologize now." Well, you know, if she knew he'd do something that required an apology, she should have left him at home or taken him out after she got there and saw how he was going to be!

It's such a distraction and really unkind to the children to have them at a wedding. The BIL's kids are old enough to behave and get something out of this, but the other kids ALL ought to be in the nursery of the church (if that's where they're getting married) or some other spot. You can try to sell it, at least to the non-bride, as special cousin time, cutting down on too much excitement around Christmas. The little ones could be brought to the reception at a certain point and then taken out before the adults get rowdy.

If you don't get any support for limiting the time, just say that you're worried about the germs he might catch from all those people coming from all the different places and he's staying home.

Answer 2

I'd suggest that your family hire a babysitter for the children for the evening--there at the wedding reception. Your sil can see if there's a separate room they can set aside for children. Of course, that's at the reception--at the ceremony they'll just be there. The 10 and 14 year olds can help--but that's alot of little ones for those 2 to handle, maybe the 14 year old has a friend that wouldn't mind making a little extra cash to help babysit for the evening.

It also sounds like your il's haven't told you for sure that they want the kids there. Maybe you could have the kids present for photo ops (which is all grandma wants anyway) and then have a sitter take yours home, and you can enjoy the reception without worrying about your son.

Answer 3

If there are already going to be a bunch of kids there and they already have all those problems you stated I don't see why it would be a problem to bring your son there. It seems you are just using it as an excuse not to go and you should've posted the question that way....I don't want to go, what should I say?

I think you should do it for you husband's sake and your son's they are related by blood to these ppl. It's normal for kids not to know why they have to act a certain way, that's just life. Sorry that might not be what you want to hear but it's the truth.

What does your husband think about all this? Let him make the decision.

EDIT: I just read ALL your edits, if it isn't fancy then why does your son have to act a certain way? It's laid back --let him run around and have fun! Be laid back about the whole thing...I thought you were talking about some black tie affair.

EDIT2: Being exposed at age 2 shouldn't harm him, besides that it IS HIS FAMILY TOO. I understand how you feel but you married his husband and the family is part of the package. Maybe things might pick up for your sil if her husband is halfway decent. I would be so mad if my sil didn't come. You don't want to start more problems or have a REAL family feud. It's one thing to have your husband go visit by himself from time to time but for a wedding you need to go as a team.

Answer 4

Well you need to get more trusting then or find better friends, if you don't know anyone you would trust with your children.

If there are other kids there, then it will probably be ok to take your son. Just take plenty for him to do.

You really have two options, take your child to the wedding- or stop being so dang paranoid and take him to a sitter. 2 is plenty old enough to be left with a sitter.

Edit**

I do agree with you though that he will get bored. Nothing annoys me more than parents who take children to places that are more adult oriented then children oriented and when the kids get bored, they start yelling at them. I say either don't bring the child or come prepared with plenty to keep them entertained. He should be able to sit quietly for a little bit, but he will get bored. Bring lots of quiet toys- books, coloring books, blocks etc.. things that will give him something to do. When children get bored, they start having behavior problems.

You need to lighten up a bit. I say Kudos to the bride for not having an over the top wedding- In the end nobody really cares what you served at the wedding. Most brides stress themselves way too much and spend way too much on a big fancy wedding. That money could be put toward paying off debt or a down payment on a house or a really nice honeymoon or something. I don't think it is a matter of her being Country, it is more a matter of her being reasonable. I would not have drinking at my reception either. She sounds very reasonable and mature. Good for you. You could learn a thing or two from her.

Answer 5

If it is not a formal reception and there are going to be lots of kids running around anyway, what is the problem? It's not like he has to sit in a corner silently. He can play with his cousins. It would be inappropriate if there were not going to be children there or if it was a late night wedding. Has he been invited? If so then the bride and groom want him there too.

It sounds more like you are looking for an excuse to not go to the wedding.

Just read your addition - so the truth comes out. You don't want your son exposed to the crazy branch of the family tree. And you don't want to deal with it either. If the domestic abusing groom is the nicest one out of the bunch that is not saying much. Tell your husband you don't want to go. If he wants to go he can.

Answer 6

If you don't want to take your son, hire a sitter, or see if your family could work together to have a few teenagers entertain the children in the vacinity, but not actually at the wedding/reception, like in another room.

But if lots of other children will be there, either the bride and groom are truly okay with whatever actions the kids might do, or they are clueless as to the way a child would act.

In my extended family, kids are always around. I have eight cousins and two sisters, and most of us have at least one child. One of my cousins is getting married on Saturday, and I know for a fact there will be at least 15 little children there, just within the family (ranging in age from 4 months to 7 years). It's kind of hard to describe, but in these situations, it's not inappropriate to bring a child who wouldn't understand why he's expected to behave a certain way, because he's NOT expected to behave a certain way. Children at weddings, in my family, is as natural as adults-only weddings are in other families.

However, you're under no obligation to bring him, so simply hire a sitter for the night and enjoy a night out without having to worry about him figeting.

If you do decide to bring him, pack a backpack. I take my kids to church alone, and this works well for us, and I made one up for my niece and nephew when they joined us at Easter this year. Include plain paper and a coloring book, a few crayons, LOTS of stickers, a baggie with a few quiet non-messy snacks, and a sippy cup. As long as he doesn't make car noises, a few Hot Wheels usually is fun for the little boys, too. Sit in the back, to the side, and have reasonable expectations of him. Sit him down, and let him enjoy his stuff, either sitting on the seat or sitting on the floor at your feet. About ten sheets of stickers and five sheets of paper will keep your average two-to-four year old occupied through a church service, so you can use that as a meter for how much to use for a wedding.



I just read your extra info.

If you don't know anyone to sit, either ask for a reference from family members who are there, or hire the sitter and take him or her with you.

The description of the couple, and what the wedding will be like, makes me think more and more that they truly have no unreasonable expectations of the kids, and your son may have fun, especially if he is allowed to sit with the other kiddos. Yes, your two-year-old would get bored and grouchy at your typical stuffy wedding and grand party reception, but since it's pretty laid back, it may resemble an odd take on a combination church service/birthday party for him.

Can you talk to the bride, or maybe to another relative, and express your concerns? If they are doing it with the expectations that small children will be there, they may be able to put your mind at ease.

At the very least, they may be able to help you arrange some kind of child care. Ideally, I think, they would be able to provide someone to help with the children AT the wedding and reception, so that you aren't really having to leave your son with anyone, but he can be occupied with activities for his age group, and you and the other adults could enjoy yourselves.

You say that "if this were your wedding" you wouldn't ask guests to leave their children at home, but would appreciate it if they did. "If this were your wedding" you would have dinner and drinks, not punch and cake. The thing is, though, it's not your wedding. You're right, if there were dinner and drinks, it would be inappropriate for small children to be in attendance. But there's not, so that's not even an issue. I mean, they're making this event as child-friendly as a wedding can get.

Answer 7

You could always get a babysitter that day.... but for my wedding, I want all kids there! I don't like weddings where the kids aren't invited- I'm all about family. I have a son who will be 2 1/2 next year when I get married myself, and I want him to be the ring bearer and my cousin who is about the same age to be my flower girl. And honestly, I don't care if all doesn't go as planned and they get scared to go down the isle. Kids are kids, let them experience everything they can. You have to know not all things go as planned when it comes to your child. Especially that young of an age, and if the bride has young children as well who I'm sure will be there, then why not? Let all the kids be together, give them crayons and coloring books, or their favorite toy. It's up to you though. But many babies - younger than my son will be at my wedding, and I'm glad. If you'd rather not have to look after your kid while attending the wedding, get a babysitter so you can enjoy it better. But I think your son would have a blast at the reception with the music! Goodluck!

Answer 8

So, leave him at home. You are not obligated to bring him. If you want an "adults night out" have one. Every mother, father and parent DESERVES to have a night out w/o the kids everyone once in a while. Helps keep them sane and feeling like adults and not just parents.

Do you have family? What about your mother, father, sisters, brothers, cousins? Do you have a close friend you can trust the baby with?

I would go that way for a sitter. You are right, a 2 year old will be bored to death.

Answer 9

I just went to my cousin's wedding. Tons of kids including infants and toddlers. I left my 10 month old with his Aunts on his dad's side. I actually missed having him with me at the wedding, but he got to visit with his other relatives. If your kid is welcome, bring him. it's really NOT that hard... unless you have a very unruly child. Mine behaves better in public than at home... and he likes to see other people and kids.

Added after reading your edits: *** It sounds like it will be an EVEN BETTER time to bring your kid if it's NOT a grand affair with dinner and dancing. It sounds more like you are being judgmental of them. I drove two hours to go to my cousin's wedding. I took him to the ceremony and he was a perfect angel. Didn't make a noise. Then I took him to the Aunt's for the reception. But once I saw all the kids, I felt bad because I think he would have liked seeing the other babies and little kids. But on the other hand he got to visit relatives on his dad's side too.

Answer 10

I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old and I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. I would tell your SIL that you just don't feel up to going, having a child that young takes a lot out of you. plan a special day for you and you SIL, maybe take her shopping for a special gift after the wedding. Please don't let people bully you into doing something you just don't feel like doing, especially at this time.

For your own health and well being start asking around now for a babysitter in the future . It took me a long time to find someone to look after my little ones and it was hard as h-ll that first time, but it is necessary. Ask co-workers or friends and maybe you will find someone you really like. Take care of yourself and please do what is best for you.