Divorcing someone with a mental illness question?

Question

I am divorcing someone with a mental illness. I have researched a lot of her behaviors and it's borderline personality disorder. we don't have any kids together and we don't have a lot of assets to split up. Just bills. Thing is she is doing everything she can to try to get me for everything. It's very strange. the other men she was engaged to (even her daughter's father) she left alone. with me, she's trying to destroy me and falsely accuse me of her mistakes. she's very angry. i didn't do anything in the marriage except try to help her with her issues and set boundaries of what was acceptable behavior. something she didn't learn. she's the one that left and I don't understand her anger. she should just want an amicable divorce. she doesn't. it's her disorder talking and she really hates me right now. 4 months ago i was told she couldn't live without me. I don't want to be mean through this divorce but she's angry. How should I handle a divorce with a borderline?

Answer 1

Survivor...
Woman just don't become angry for "No Reason" like that.
I've read your other posts about your relationship with your
ex wife and how it seems that you are allways blaming her for everything... but also those posts... where you have met someone, (a pretty woman who lives 500 miles away) on line and falling in Love with her... and that you both have been talking for a while... and that you feel that she is the one.

Hey maybe your ex-wife found out about that... and if that's the case then... "Yes" I do totally understand her frustration & anger and why she cut your head out of the family pics... and why she feels such bitterness towards you.
A very close friend of me has been cheated & betrayed too like that... so I can imagine how it must hurt & feel...
We all go through trials & errors in life... but alot of times hurt will turn into saddness which will turn into anger and hateful feelings arrouse to blame the other person.

But hey, who are you to judge... you think?
I am just giving my opinion... just like everyone else on here... and only you Survivor... know exactly to the point why she has been doing the things she has...
You can't just blame it all on her and her mental disorder... and then you don't even know for sure or have written proof from a Doctor that she has one... do you?
I believe you do know deep inside... the real reasons... she is only human too and trusted you being there for her... No matter what... why did you marry her anyways?
Try to remember that there was a time when you "did" or "why" you loved her... and married her in the first place?Did you feel like the luckiest man in the world on your Wedding day?

If you think or feel your ex-wife is mentally sick... then she should get diagnosed by a "Health professional Doctor" and not by you... (unless you are a Doctor in the psych field) just because you did a little bit of research... that doesn't mean anything for that matter.
From all your other posts it is obvious that you carry a lot of angry feelings... so maybe it's not just your wife who needs some kind of professional help... but you as well... Go get some Counceling so you can heal and move on!

~ Good Luck to you... Survivor... but to your ex-wife as well... Tell her how you truly feel in your heart... apologize to her... to help her... so she has also a chance to heal as well...
maybe she will drop the Alimony request then... ones she see's that you sorry!

Give it some time so you both can forgive each other... for what has happened... I think only then you "both" will be able to realy move on with your lifes.

~ you only have one life to live... so live it to the fullest and enjoy it everyday... because lost time is lost and will never come back to you... ever ~
May God bless you !

Answer 2

Firstly...She's not a borderline.She's a human being the same as everyone else.

I have borderline personality too.From what I've read it sounds like your wife has put alot of trust into your relationship,maybe she loved you more than the others.That's why she wants to hurt you now because she feels you've let her down,hurt her in some way.
I'm not saying you have,but that's how she will see it.You said she left you,more than likely she left to see if you'd chase her to get her back.To see how much you truly loved her.

Having the same illness as your wife i know exactly where she's coming from but i can also see where your coming from too.It must be so difficult trying to understand the illness.

anyway..You have to do what, you have to do.Explain to her why you are divorcing her,and explain your feelings to her.No matter what, you need to tell the truth as trust is a big thing for her.

No matter what you do she will still be hurt,but you need to try and stay strong also and try not to let it bring you down.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

People are wise to work with a mediator
or to invest your time into Divorce/Marriage Counseling.

You yourself said you don't understand her anger.
It appears there is quite a bit she does not understand as well.
You would be wise to atleast address that much and agree on some ground rules for the division and departure.

Consider it an investment into the peace and tranquility of your future.


On another note, the "borderline" diagnosis is yours? Do you get this diagnosis from a Psychiatrist who is treating her? Has she or is she being currently treated?
If your answer is NO ......
and she has a history of jumping from man to man ........
You may be looking at a reason for her current panic mode.
She may not have a clue what is happening or why.

As beyond generous as it sounds, do her and yourself the favor of having her professionally diagnosed and atleast getting her started and stable on medication before shoving off for greener pastures.

Answer 4

You are going to need to speak with a professional counselor who may have more accurate advise for you. From what I know about borderline personality disorder - they have a lot of problems with relationships and may alternate very quickly between loving and hating a person. I have borderline qualities (so I'm told) and the fear of or feeling of abandonment is overwhellming. It does make me angry, whether the abandonment is real or imagined. She will need help getting through the process. But as with any mental illness, you cannot cure it for her. She will have to do the work to help herself get well - whether you stay with her or divorce.

Answer 5

Survivor.
From few other replies to your question, It seems that your wife is not examined by a Doctor. In that case, That is must before establishing it as Mental disorder. In my opinion it is a cruelty. I'm not saying you are wrong but sometimes right thing also becomes wrong for someone else.

Few more facts about BPD.
* Any suicidal tendencies in your wife?
* Any specific symptoms which can be termed as severe?
* Is it only that she is hard to be argued with that you feel no hope in continuing the relationship?
* Very frequent mood swings?
* Impulsiveness?
* Chronic feeling of abandonment and loneliness?

If answers are no, I doubt she has BPD. In difficult time, any person reacts in unusual manner which other person may term as Insanity or madness. We all behave at some point in similar manner.

And if it is confirmed by Med. that she has BPD, ask the med if it is good to go for Divorce? I agree it is Difficult but med will not suggest it. It is not Mental Disorder mind it. It is different personality, which only needs realization. There is no way you can make her realize anything. She herself has to do that. But she needs your support to go along on that path of realization.

It also depends on how much you loved her or still love her? She needs your help and support. It happens in normal cases too that if one is angry, other has to go passive. In anger person can not think rationally (even a normal person). So even if you are right, wait till the time she calms down to put across your opinion on the issue which became the reason for her anger. She will understand. Do not force your opinion on her. I'm not saying you did, but in general it happens.

If you want to change her, first you have to take her in your confidence and show certain changes in yourself so that she start changing herself. This will not happen in one day. You have to show your trust in her. In BPD, people around the person needs to bring more changes in themselves first if they really care about the person with BPD. Then only positive results come.

Lot of patience and effort is required from your side first even if you are right on many issues. Keep in mind that it is not her fault at all. She is already suffering and this will add more to her suffering.

I know exactly what you must have gone thru if she is case of BPD, but you will also agree that you also know what she has gone thru which is far more than that of yours suffering. And if she has BPD, I think she must have so many positive things in her which you will not find in normal person. Do analyze all the aspects first and then decide.

Unless until she opts out of this relation, don't add to her agony. BPD symptoms are at peak at age of 24-25 and starts subsiding after the age of 30-32 (In general).

Fight and eliminate the root cause and not the person (Thats what I believe)

Bring out your sense of humor to improve your relation. Start treating her like your own kid as well and you will see the difference. Study more on Reverse Psychology (It works wonder) and on BPD. Do not try to prove yourself right. Put across your idea on the issue in a way that how it can hurt her if you will agree and she will understand because this will show your care towards her and not your Narcissist approach that you are always right.

Answer 6

TO: SURVIVOR
Its plain to see blaming the disorder is your way out of this
problem your marriage is in. When you married it said for
in sickness and health death do we part. What ever made you think you could change anyone. We are all powerless over people. Seems to me there is more to this story.Blaming alll things on someone who is angry,,my question is what is making this woman angry?

Answer 7

You went into a marriage with the intent to "fix" the person you were going to stay with in sickness and in health. You were doomed before the drinks were served at the reception. Decide what is going to be cheaper. Paying what they want or getting a lawyer.

Answer 8

It depends on what you believe. "For better or for worse" are your vows, but people don't take them seriously or even value them anymore. You should have thought about all of this before you got married. It's an unfortunate situation, but only you know what's right for you, so just think about what you'll learn and what you'll change about yourself after you make your decision...

Answer 9

YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS DO YOU NEED WHAT SHE WANT OR WHAT AND IF SO THEN YOU NEED TO TELL HER BUT ALSO HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU WHEN YOU TALK. AND IF YOU FELL YOU WERE HELPING THEN TO ME IT SOUND LIKE YOU DID BUT NOT HER. AND MAYBE YOU NEED TO SAY YOUR SORRY FOR MAKING HER FEEL THE WAY YOU HAVE. AND HELPING PEOPLE WITH THIS IS NOT TELLING THEM WHAT TO NOT DO. THAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL BAD