How do I deal with anger and jealousy against a narcissist?

Question

I am a part time musician, I was in a fairly sucessful local band for a few years and I allowed myself to be repeatedly humiliated by the arrogant band leader. I'm not qualified to diagnose, but I am very familiar with the DSM-IV as part of my regular job and I swear the guy fits the description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to a "T."
I wound up getting kicked out of the band. Now I really feel like a schmuck and I'm still angry about it after two or three years.

By the way, my chances of getting into another band I like with similar success are next to zero. I know that because I have been playing in bands since the 1970s.

I have a long history of depression that is treated with medication. I did try talking to the guy about it and even talked to a professional counselor, but neither was much help.

Any ideas? I suspect I'll just have to live with it and maybe I'll feel better after more time passes, but I welcome any sincere suggestions.

Well, I don't believe anything he said about me. I typically stand up to people at work who jerk me around, but musicians don't have laws and policy/procedure manuals to protect their rights. I did tell him "If this was a real job, I could sue you for discriminating against someone with a mental illness."
Yes, I already have my own band, but we don't perform live. We're not very good live but we have some good recordings.
Of course I can get in another band, but I doubt if we'll get on television, have newspaper articles written about us, play in the really nice venues that this band gets, nor will we get the gigs opening for internationally known acts like this band does. I could pretend it's going to happen but I know it isn't unless there is some kind of miracle.

My choices are also limited because of the music I like, my age, my appearance and my habits.
In other words, the band played reggae and ska. I am white, 50 and I don't smoke marijuana. There is only one reggae/ska band in my home town that would hire somebody like me and I have already been in that band. I could beg the guy to hire me back, but you've got to have some dignity. Most white musicians my age want to play either classic rock or country---been there, done that; it just doesn't interest me. They would have to have some great gigs, some really good original songs or some really good gimmick that makes them stand out.

Actually, the band I was in is only really popular because they have a Jamaican singer who has long dreadlocks and he's a really good entertainer, singer and songwriter. He's not the band leader; the band leader is the keyboard player. He acts like it's his leadership that make the band good; he is partly right about that, but if the Jamaican guy left the band I am 100% sure nobody would care about them anymore.

Answer 1

Alla'u'abha :o)

Even though you shouldn't ignore the practical suggestions (I agree with themindzeye above), a prayer never hurt anybody. I like the prayer below because it's short and sweet and gets to the point.

"Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise."

Answer 2

Divorced one. It was hellish. Compared it to Post Traumatic Stress. There's NO way you'll ever change what happened, and NO way you'll ever change that person.
Honestly, the best you can try to do is learn from the experience, and forget he lives.
Dwelling on it only deepens it. I went 20 some odd years full of anxiety. Not worth it. Waaste of time.
Losing the music job is another issue.
You can, as I did, start your own group. Ill health prevents me now.
Any "reasons" why you cannot should be scrutinized to see if they are in fact valid.

Answer 3

Well, you're out of the band now and have been for two or three years. If you don't work with this guy anymore, I'd say just give it up. Yeah, he humiliated you, and it's understandably upsetting. But if you don't have to deal with him, you don't have to worry about it anymore. It's in the past, and what happened then isn't happening anymore. Drama only exists in the human mind. If you let it go, it's gone.

Good luck.

Answer 4

This is the advice I always give myself when someone is a total *** to me. "Is what they said true about you?" Now if the answer is no, then who gives a crap what they think about you? You gonna let some tard judge you like that? Just brush it off because he doesn't know crap about you. Now if what he says is hurting you because it's true.. you have some different options. Why did it hurt? If it's something you can't change about yourself (big nose) for example, find some way to brush it off. Who is he to point out your flaws? It's not like he's a god or anything. And if what he said is true and you can change it, then change it if you want to. We have no way of knowing what he said but let me tell you... he's an idiot and a loser. Why waste time and energy giving this *** the satisfaction of seeing you suffer? My sister used to tell me I was ugly and fat for years. Now I'm 40 pounds lighter than her and I'm happily married. She's got two kids, no husband and is a heffer. She got what was coming to her and this guy will to one day.