Calling anyone who has advice for an abusive relationship....?

Question

I've known my best friend since I was 6 years old. (He's gay, just ftr, although we're always told we act like an old married couple). Over the years, it's gotten to the point that we're in a co-dependent relationship, and he's pretty abusive and rages a lot. Normally I just have to deal with it, but occasionally he has threatened me and really scared me. I keep trying to leave, but somehow I always find my way back to him. I even have his initials tattooed on my wrist, he's so much a part of me. I don't really know where he stops and I start anymore; but I do know I don't want to live like this.

How can I get away from him, and the relationship, without getting physically or emotionally torn apart by him, and without weakening and going back? He's always sorry for being such a jerk, and deep down he does love and see me in his future (as a friend, as stated he's gay) but I can't just put up with being a door mat any more.

Help?!

Answer 1

Talk to someone at a local domestic abuse shelter or call one of the hotlines, they can help you get out of this situation. It is unhealthy and DANGEROUS. You need to get help and get away from him. He may be gay, but it sounds just like the typical marriage gone bad. Please get help, and now.

Notice how every other answer is saying the same thing. It may be hard for you to see but it is easy for all of us to see that you need to get the heck away from him.

Answer 2

First of all best friend, boyfriend or just plain ole' friend being abused by anyone shouldn't be tolerated. You need to tell you friend if you really loved you, then he wouldn't abuse you. Come right and tell him that you love you more than anything else that he can offer at this point in the relationship. Normally you don't have to deal with it. You've made the choice to deal with his rage and him.

Ok by your own admission he's now threatening you. Are you going to stick around to see if he actually does make good on the threats? Why can't you love yourself more than you love him. It's very obvious that he loves himself more than you. You're living in fear which isn't healthy. If you're "trying to leave" then you're not trying hard enough if you're still there.

Perhaps your friendship with him would work better if you didn't live together. Find some place to go for a week or two just to give the two of you time and space apart. You need to figure out what keeps you drawn to this abusive person because it for damn sure it's love. Maybe it's pitty that you feel for him. Whatever it is you need to move on and take the damn tattoo off your wrist.

Answer 3

First of all, if he is such a "BestFriend" he wouldnt talk or act like that with you! and believe me once they are threatening you it WILL become abusive even more, take this from someone who has been there! I look at it this way, wheater he is gay or not, I have gay friends also, and they dont act like that, but try and have a talk with him and just tell him that you love him, he is your best friend but if this type of actions happen again cuz ur a friend who will listen not a rug to wipe ur feet on!!!! that this friendship is over and no more contact ever! but say it in a public place, so that he cant get abusive with you.

Answer 4

You need some distance from this guy. If he's manipulating you and guilting you into accepting him back you have to avoid him altogether. I get the impression that you're single, and spend far too much time with this guy. Find a boyfriend. That gives you an excuse to avoid this abusive guy. It's a bit unusual that you have his initials tattooed on your body when you're not romantically involved.

If you don't feel you can just break things off then you need to take a different approach at the other end of things. If you accept him back, next time he even starts to get out of line, just leave. Don't wait for it to get out of hand or get scary. The instant he starts to act out at you, just walk out and avoid him for a few days. This way, you'll avoid the abuse that eventually starts, and maybe if he's not able to use you as an excuse and distraction he'll have to actually deal with his feelings for a change.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You may need to put this friendship on hold for a while. I know it's hard, especially when you've become dependant on someone, and when they're part of your comfort zone. If you let this relationship continue down this path, then it may disintegrate all-together, but maybe if you said ''let's cool it for a while" then maybe he'd get some perspective, maybe have an attitude change, cause if he sees that you're actually doing something about his behavior, instead of just giving in, then maybe he'll be forced to change...if he values you and your friendship.

If both of you do this with a good attitude, then you're friendship will likely be strengthened in the end,

Answer 6

I was in a really unhealthy friendship where we literally consumed each other. I moved out of state because the person was mentally ill and I felt accountable for saving them. When I stepped back from the situation, I could see just how damaging the relationship was. While moving was drastic, I would get a restraining order and do the break up over the phone or in a public forum, so it limits his ability to get too out of control.

Answer 7

Pack HIS bags and change the locks so to speak, if you aren't living together. Take control - don't let yourself be treated this way. Stand up for yourself. So he's sorry each time he rages, big deal. It's up to him to stop the behavior and he won't do it until he loses someone important to him. If he's all that great, he'll realize what he's doing. Don't be such a doormat - force the issue and stay away or you just enable him to continue.

Answer 8

Let me tell you about an abusers love honey... my son father.....mentally, physcially and emotionally abused me for years. through the black eyes, the broken ribs the busted lips.. he was always sorry. Always sorry for telling me I wansn't nothing, always sorry for talking to me that way.

He DOES NOT love you. If he did he won't treat you that way. You are making an excuse for him. Don't worry about ending the friendship and about not having a future with him. Do you really want a future with a person who abuses you. Regardless of its form.... abuse is abuse. He is the only one that can errect this probmem and make it right.

You cannot help him or fix this for him this is something that you will have to do on your own. When I decided to leave, I left, was homeless for 2weeks living in a Motel 6, until I got my own place.


I have NEVER been happier in my life, when I made up my mind to take control of MY life and do things for the better of MYSELF.... I would give a fukk less how he feels whether this with hurt him...

Answer 9

How can you get away from him... leave.
Without getting hurt... ha ha ha... ok um, stop caring about him? there really is no other way.
Without weakening... dont.
He's sorry... arent we all, "you own every word you speak and every actoin you take" someday maybe he will learn they have consequences.
He does love... yes, but he also abuses, so whats your point.

We cant make you leave, and not return, only you can. Be free, be happy, and remember the good but dont turn back.

Answer 10

Leave. Stop all communication. NEVER put yourself in a one-on-one situation. Stay in public when hes around. DO NOT let him into your house. If he threatens in any manner - get a restraining order and report him to the authorities.