Family obligations in a marriage.?

Question

My wife and I had a big fight last night over our favourite topic to fight about - family obligations. She comes from a large family and is close to them. I can't stand them and the feeling is mutual.

We have come to an uneasy truce on the official events such as weddings and funerals. They are rare and I go without complaint (as least verbally). It is the greyer areas such as parties that we disagree.

I believe that I should be able to boycott these events if I want to. I won't miss them and they won't miss me. After all, I married her; not her family.

She says that it is only an occasional thing and that I should do it as part of marital family obligations, especially because she doesn't ask often (she doesn't).

I'd like mature opinions for either side of the argument.

Thanks.

Answer 1

I would not view this situation as an obligation. Instead think of it this way. Wouldn't you want your wife at your side at events that are important to you? Since she does not ask you to do this often, i think you should go and make your wife happy. You are not doing it for her family, you are doing it because it is important to your wife.
Before the next said event, talk with your wife and come up with a compromise. This should allow a peaceful way to deal with it. Your wife must also understand that you are doing this for her as you really don't like her family and vice versa, and the situation makes you really uncomfortable. Perhaps you could agree to go, but only stay for x amount of time. Make sure your wife is with you on this, and that you both leave together after said amount of time. This way, she has you with her and gets to see her family, and you don't have to tolerate a whole day or evening in the company of people you don't like to be around. Hope this works for you. Good Luck.

Answer 2

That is true that you have married her not her family. The culture where I am from they say you not only marry a single individual you marry his/hers family. Well about your problem.
I think making appearances occasionally is no big deal. Espacially If you don't get along with them. Its better to do just formal talk and see them every once in a while then to have end a ceremony on ugly terms.
But you can't deny the fact that this is her family and even though you don't like them it might mean a lot to her that you are trying to get along.I don't know how she put up with yours. If she doing well with yours. Than I suggest you do the same. For a heallthy marriage you have to do some compromises. If these functions are just couple of times in two months I think you should go. Even if she does not ask you. Trust me It will mean a lot to her. You said that she also wants you to go at the parties. I 'm pretty sure there will be other people around. And there might be someone you can get along with in her family. Well the final decission will be yours. But just my opinion you should at least try coz these little arguments will get more comlicated in further years.
p.s,
my hubby and my mom don't get along at all. I ofcourse tell him that I am fine if they both don't even say a word to eachother. And trust me they don't. But I t would mean a lot to me If they would just make an effort. May be your wifes family can do something to make you more comfortable..
Good luck

Answer 3

Believe me, I understand how you feel. My husband's family gets on my nerves more than any people I have ever met, and they don't like me too much either. But I also know how he feels. You don't want to go to a family get together without your spouse. Even though you are with your own family you still feel alone. Your family will also wonder why your spouse isn't there, is it because your fighting? or is it because you're blatantly saying you don't like them, because that can just make the situation worse. So, my advice to you is go through with it. Suffer being around them for an hour or so, then when there is an event that you absolutely have to go to there won't be any more tension then there already is.

Answer 4

I totally understand your grievances. Who wants to be around of people who don't like you and vice versa. I have the same problem with my husband's family. They are controlling alcoholics wanting their way all the time in any family get together. I go with my husband (gritting my teeth) with a positive outlook (even though I know it will turn sour after the drinking begins) because I know it means something to him that I be there. I then remind him when the fighting gets out of control and I am feeling uncomfortable, that I am the one that comes first and that we need to leave. If you and your wife can come to a mutual agreement, who cares what other family members think? The 2 of you have to live with each other. My in-laws are arriving today and expect us for dinner tomorrow night. My husband and I already agreed that I will be "sick" tomorrow to avoid unpleasantries like watching my brother-in-law almost get arrested at the restaurant. I won't have to be there, but I am going to other family outings and with my husband's knowledge will be leaving if any nonsense occurs. Good luck.

Answer 5

My husband is the same way. The first thing my parents say to me when I walk in the door is ask me where he is. I hate having to make up excuses and lie to them. If he doesn't show up several times in a row , it becomes obvious that he just doesn't want to go. then my family gets offended and feels hurt. My parents have done a lot to help us out and they babysit for us too but now they feel insulted. They want to know if they did anything to make him mad. I feel abandoned by him when he does this too much and he comes off looking like a crabby old anti-social party pooper with a chip on his shoulder and my sister's boyfriend looks like prince charming for being kind and respectful to her and her family( I hate being outdone by my sister) My kids have more fun when their dad's there too. Then my husband guilt trips me when i get back about how I got to have fun and he was home and I must not have been thinking of him because he didn't get nothing to eat yet. So if they didn't offer me food to take home I have to start cooking when I am already tired.

So , by refusing to attend, he hurts his relationship with my family and spoils our day. I'm sure if you try to look at it from your wife's point of view and the family's you would understand why she wants you to go at least most of the time.

Answer 6

This is a tough one, but all too familiar. You are right in you married your wife and not her family. But these people are part of her life and ergo now part of yours.

In the grand scheme of things, how much time are you really talking? A few weekends here and there? As uncomfortable as it is, I would literally stand by your wife and go.

You may already know the answer to this question, but do you know why her family doesn't like you? Maybe if you understood why, you could make in-roads to at least make things a bit more tolerable.

My ex-boyfriend's parents and family were very cool and former near me and it hurt me very much. But I got to know his sister's husband and he told me that he'd been married to the sister for 15 years and they still treated him like crap. When I learned that they felt like no one was good enough for their family at least I came to understood them better and it actually became a little funny. Plus - I found two allies in the family - the two other "inlaws".

Good luck!

Answer 7

Unfortunately you not only married her but her family as well expecially if you have children involved. It sounds like parties and special events are rare, so help your wife out and go along. Your wife can help you here by agreeing not to stay long so maybe the two of you can decide on a convenient exit time beforehand. This type of situation is never easy but it's one less fight you need to have with your wife if you just work this out together. Good luck.

Answer 8

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/yxS7o

Answer 9

As husband and wife there are a few times you have to do things that you don't like to do. And to send your wife to these places without you all of the time isn't nice. She is married and walks into parties and get togethers alone. Suck up your pride and do it when she ask. You said yourself she doesn't ask alot so when she does it probably really means alot to her if you would be with her. Believe me she probably doesn't like to argue with you and knows what awaits her when she does ask. Try for once doing it the first time she ask so that she can breath a sigh of relief and you might even get a smile.

Answer 10

I feel that you are correct in that you married her, not her family. Besides, family should be a pleasure to be around, not an obligation. Since you don't like her family and they don't like you, there's no reason you should be forced to attend their events--unless you're a masochist, and you honestly don't sound like one to me!

If your wife feels that it would look bad if you weren't there, she could inform her family that you had to work late or had a meeting with your own family members. She should only give any sort of information if her family asks, though. To just up and offer it denotes that she'd be hiding something.