Should I 'phone her at work if...?

Question

My daughter-in-law took my grandsons off down South at the weekend and got stuck due to traffic.
I have them normally in the week - school holidays included - but I got a 'phone call yesterday saying that they are back up here but that she has made "other arrangements" (Lord knows with who).
They are flying off on holiday on Saturday.
If she doesn't drop them off here in the morning as usual should I 'phone her at work to see what exactly is going on and ,more importantly,to see if they are safe? My son has been called away for his work and I don't want to bother him at this time but she just works for the sake of it.
Last time I called her at work she went crazy - like I had done something criminal!
I am really worried - should I call her?

Answer 1

I agree with RL that you have some hard feelings toward your daughter in law. Your discription is loaded with judgements of her (she made arrangements with "god knows who", she works "just for the sake of it"). I think the two of you should really sort these things out. I say this because my mother in law had some preconcieved ideas about me that she let fester until we had a horrible blow out at one another (in front of the kids no less) and ruined everyone's Thanksgiving holidays.

That being said, you should call her, although not during working hours, to find out whether you are needed to watch the kids. In fact, I do think she was in the wrong not to make it clear if you would be needed that week because your time is just as valuable as hers. If she makes some kind of wishy washy statement about having made "other arrangements", be upfront and honest with her. Tell her you are more than happy to look after the kids again anytime she needs you to, and ask her if these other arrangements were made because of the strain between the two of you. Be the bigger person and try to mend the fences. Tell her you'd like the two of you to be able to start over and learn to be friends. You'd be surprised what the simple gesture of admitting you are partly at fault can do to repair hurt feelings.

Answer 2

Unless your daughter in law have given you a reason in the past that she is unreliable when it comes to her kids than I would let it go. The most important thing should be the safety of the kids. If you are more upset about the fact that someone other than you is babysitting than you need to let it go.

On a side note, some employers have a fit if you get personal calls that are not an absolute emergency. There is also nothing wrong with working because you enjoy it, being a stay at home mom is not for every mother.

Answer 3

NO DO NOT CALL HER! Your daughter in law made it clear she made other arrangements for the kids, and of course she is going to make sure they are safe! Its none of your business what is going on. She was courteous enough to call you to tell you she wasn't dropping the kids off with you, leave it at that. If last time you called her at work it was for something like this, THAT is why she went crazy, not simply because you called her at work. To call her and ask her these questions is INSULTING to your DIL as a mother, and if you keep it up, you are going to get a lot more calls that "other arrangements have been made" - permanently!

Answer 4

Has she been unreliable in the past?? Has something happened that makes you believe that she won't be returning the children?? It's a difficult situation that you are in. With all the stories that you read or hear about, it's hard not to imagine the worse. Who has primary physical custody? I would call her and just say that you need to know when the children will be returning to you. Let her freak out !! You need peace of mind. If all else fails, call the Police but, bring a court documentation with you and, I would definitely notify your son before doing this. Maybe he can ease your mind or he can contact her. Your placed in the middle. Discuss this with your son and let him tell you what to do. You need to know that they are safe. I wish I could give better advice. Good Luck.

Answer 5

No you should not call her work, she told you she has made other arrangements and to be honest I am not surprised by your attitude towards her. I would not leave my children with someone who had such a low opinion of me as I would not wnat the kids to pick up on any bad vibes. Your actions are pushing your DIL and grandchildren out of your life. There is no need for you to call anyone, you know the sitaution. Spend your time having a long think about why you have formed the opinions you have of your DIL and what you are going to do about them. You are not the children mother, she is and she will always have the final say over where the kids go and what they do and you need to accept that.

Answer 6

So you don't want to bother your son while he is at work, but you have no problem calling your Daughter In Law when she's working?

Joan, I don't want to judge you, but I have read your previous questions, which if you are honest with yourself, do very often come across as spiteful and resentful towards your DIL. Whether you like her or not, you cannot be so hostile towards her, because it's not fair on your son or your Grandsons. Also, if he is such a good father, why do you not raise your concerns with him more often?

Also, you post that she "works for the sake of it". If she gave up her job tomorrow, you would probably start having a go at her for not contributing to the household income and leaving all the breadwinning to your poor son! Also, you would have far less time to spend with your grandsons, which you claim to enjoy. Please give her a break, for your sake and for your familys sake.

In answer to your question, I would ring and check either before they go to work, or in the evening. It's not an emergency that warrants disturbing anyone at work, is it?

Answer 7

Why would you call her at work?

If you're not sure whether they're coming in the morning or not, call her now (not sure what time it is there...) or first thing in the morning, when you know they're still at home. Just say "I wasn't sure if you meant that you had other arrangements for just today/yesterday or for all week - just wanted to check".

Your son and daughter in law are adults with fully functioning mental capacity and no prior arrests for child neglect or endangerment, right? What do you think you would accomplish by calling to check up on them, when you know very well that they are safe and don't need your services for the day? The only thing that you would accomplish would be to passive-aggressively tell your daughter-in-law that you think she is imcompetent and ignorant. There would be absolutely no other reason to call.

Answer 8

Hi, I have seen some of your other questions before and this one made me look back at the questions you have asked.

I "don't have to work" and have been extremely lucky with the fact that both my mother in law and step mother have helped me with childcare arrangements - I know that they love my children as much as I do. The fact that it is family members looking after my child allows me to work knowing my child is safe.

Now my mother in law has different ideas to me but she doesn't ram them down my throat. She says they are my children and I must do what I feel is best.
Unfortunately my step mother interfers - she tells me I am doing something wrong, feeds my daughter items I don't want her to, lets her at the age of 5 have a nap and because I am grateful and do appreciate the fact she looks after my child I don't say anything to her.

I have just gone on maternity leave with my second child and therefore am able to spend more time with my eldest and have no need for the childcare - want to guess which one out of the mother in law and the stepmum are going to get to see more of the children while I am off?

It is obvious that you love your grandchildren but you are not helping - by the posts you have made I am going to assume that your daughter in law must be aware to some extent your feelings towards her and that must make her feel awful. When you next look at your beautiful grandchildren just remember that 50% of them is your daughter in law.

Leave your daughter in law alone abit, let her come to you.
And No don't phone her at work - if you are that worried phone your son.

Answer 9

NO. Why are you hounding her? Of course they are safe, they are with their mother!!! How dare you insult another persons parenting skills based on nothing, the poor woman probably needs a break from your constant nit picking and fault finding.

What do you mean 'she just works for the sake of it'? Do you think that she is a bad mother because she actually has the nerve to go out and work rather than spending 24/7 with her family? Does this make your son a bad father because he works too?

Answer 10

She's probably left them with a friend so they have someone to play with or something.
"I got a 'phone call yesterday saying that they are back up here but that she has made "other arrangements"."
If she's said she's made other arrangements, then why phone?

She's their mother. No matter how much of a bad mother you may think she is, she's hardly going to leave her own children alone with some paedo or someone she doesn't trust is she?