How upset would you be if your mother choose not to attend your wedding?

Question

My mom didn't attend my wedding that was just over 2 years ago. Her reason for not attending was that she didn't think I should be spending my money on my wedding, even though she didn't contribute any funds. I am having a hard time getting over this and I am just wondering if I have a right to be as upset as I am.

My mom said that the reason why she did not attend my wedding is because she thought that I should not spend the money. I acctually didn't spend a dime on the wedding, my father paid for it. I tried to talk to her about this and she told me that if she had it to do over again she would have made the same decision. I think that is why I am still so upset about it because she doesn't even regret her decision.

Answer 1

Wow, I'm very sorry that your mom treated you like that and you have every right to be upset. It definitely sounds like there is something else going on. To me that sounds like a ridiculous reason to not go to your daughters wedding and she should be ashamed of herself! How selfish of her!

I don't blame you for having a hard time. I think I would be extremly upset myself.

If you have already confronter her and it didn't bring closure you may want to try again, but the best way to get over it is to forgive her. You don't have to forget or excuse teh behavior, but speaking from experience once you are able to forgive her a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders.

You may not be ready yet, so allow yourself time to work it out, you may want to consider couseling.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I'm with Gail - sounds like something else is going on. Not approving of your financial decisions is a really lame reason to skip a wedding. Either your mom is upset about something else that she's not telling you about, or she has her own issues. Have you noticed whether she has exhibited any other unusual behaviors in the last couple of years? Do you have family members you could discreetly ask about this? Her reason for not attending just sounds really off to me.

And yes, I would be very hurt. Missing a wedding isn't like missing a birthday party or school play - it's a huge deal. Of course, you do need to find some way to heal the relationship and not be angry with your mom. Being upset does nothing but cause you heartache - it probably won't change her mind.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. All the best.

Answer 3

Well, my answer to this question for my own self would be, "How in the heck did she find out about my wedding in the first place, I sure didn't invite her!" But that is because I have already been through enough other crap with that crazy person to have pretty much separated myself from her a long time ago.

For you, I don't blame you for feeling hurt. That is not the kind of reason that makes any sense - money spent on a wedding is the business of the couple themselves and any of their family members who choose to contribute funds. Why your mother would decide to not share the joy of this important day in your life over something that is not her business, I can't say. You may have no idea, either. But the truth is, whatever her real problem is that stopped her from sharing this blessed event with you - that is *her* problem. It is not your problem: it is outside of you. You can't fix your mother, no matter how much you love her and wish you could. The best thing that you can do for her, is to develop the most loving, healthy, sane marriage and new family of your own that you possibly can - keeping out the poison of your mother's poor behavior. Whatever good that she did for you in the past will be honored and upheld by this: whatever sickness is in her now should not be allowed to spread further.

I'm sorry that none of this will be easy, but you have my sincerest best wishes for a wonderful, happy, blessed life with the family that you are building for yourself.

Answer 4

I am willing to bet that there is more to her refusal to go than the money you spent on the affair. Perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable in the setting you chose. Was the wedding outside of her social class? Perhaps she couldn't afford to attend? Did you include her in anything when planning the wedding?

Just thoughts, but it certainly sounds like it is something beyond the actual out of pocket money you spent.

Aside from that, if you wish to normalize the relationship, you need to let go of the anger and forgive her. One way of doing that is talking to her about the anger that you have about her snubbing your wedding and perhaps you can force her to tell you the real reason - after all, while she may disagree with the expense, that is hardly a reason to boycott your daughter's wedding, in particular because older generations equate weddings with the daughter's most important day ...

Answer 5

I would be more hurt than upset if it were me. The mother of the bride is a very important part of the wedding and it must have been hurtful for you to not have her a part of it for such a petty reason. Where exactly did she think your would get the money for your wedding??? You should discuss this with her in order to resolve your hurt and be able to move on. It has been 2 years already.

Answer 6

No, I would not be upset. But my mom is elderly and has some health issues. She no longer wishes or feels up to traveling very far. So for me personally, I would not be upset.

But I can understand how painful it must be for you, especially when no good reason has been given.

Have you been able to discuss how painful this is with your mother? Or . . . if she is not open to discussion, perhaps you could seek counseling? I think just having a counselor available, someone to whom you could let out the pain . . . . well, maybe that would be helpful.

You ask are you right to be upset? You are entitled to your feelings. They are your feelings. It is certainly understandable that a person would be upset about something like this.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

i am sorry that happened to you. it does not make any sense to me, if what you say is tru she was trying to control you by doing that. i guess she thought if she could not control you she would punish you. or, frankly, she sounds like someone who has mentally ill difficulties, or, she is senile, or, she is ignorant or mentally retarded. if she is any of these things well you must understand her, she is simply brain damaged. or, she must be a hideous monster, and if she was, i imagine you would not be upset she did not come, you would be glad!!! she did not come......

i am going to say this very gently, are you perhaps leaving something out here? maybe that you are reckless with money or other areas of your life.? is your mom angry and frustrated with you? do you tend to tell stories that make you sound like a victim when in reality you are the source of the difficulties??

if that is the real truth, then, the part you need to get over is that you are not being honest with yourself and the solution is owning up to your own mistakes and the consequences of them. such as doing something that makes your mom not want to come to your wedding. just a thought. i wish you well in your quest for understanding these things in your life.

well, now that you said your father paid for it, the reason may be clear, dear, she has an issue with your dad doing that, and has punished you because he did that. oh, dear, that sounds terrible. she is selfish, it sounds like, and i am sorry.

Answer 8

I think you have a right to be upset.

Your mother also has her right to her opinion. Have you told her how hurt you were that she didn't attend? I wonder if it was because your father paid for it all and she felt left out.

It's been two years, though. Time to let this go. Life is too short to hold grudges for so long.

Good luck.

Answer 9

You absolutely do have a right to be upset. That was a pretty ridiculous, and probably selfish, reason to miss her child's wedding. She is still your mother but if and when you eventually forgive her, I'd keep her at a certain arms length. She sounds pretty controlling.

Answer 10

I would be angry too. You have to ask yourself if you need a woman like this in your life. Is this the first time she's disappointed you? For some reason, I doubt it. If she's not a healthy person in your life, you might want to think about keeping her out of it. Personally, the day she decided that she didn't want to attend my wedding was the day she decided that she didn't want to be in my life...and apparently, she doesn't want to see her future grandkids either.

But if you still want her in your life, you should move on and not dwell on it.