My father is not my father HELP!?

Question

My name is Lisa I'm 21 years old. I have 3 sisters. I am using my sister's yahoo answer because I never felt the urge to use this site until today.

I turned 21 last week and my mother and father pulled me aside she told me she needed to speak with me. They told me they had something they have been meaning to tell me since I was born but felt they needed to wait until I was 21 to tell me.

My nother told me she was pregnant with me before she married my father. I knew that already. She then went on to say that she had only known my dad 7 months before that got married and that my father that I have known for 21 years was not my father. Apparently my father had left her when she got pregant and 2 months later she met my father and they fell in love. She explained to my father signed the birth certificate knowing it was not his but he wanted to raise me.

this is KILLING ME!!! I have been crying EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I am so angry!!!!! I am so shocked that they kept this from me!

HELP!!

please note: this is a true story i am very upset i am not here for attention i would just like help!! PLEASE

Answer 1

The man you grew up with may not be your biological father, but he is indeed your father. He wanted you when the lowlife scum left your mother. Instead of crying over a man you never knew, you should be happy to have such a great man as a father and you should tell him how much it means to you that he did what he did.

Answer 2

I can't even imagine how you feel right now. I would too feel angry that my parents would keep that from me. But this is what I would do to rationilize their behavior.......

Now would it have REALLY been better if they told me sooner? Would it have REALLY mattered? Could I have become a different person becuz of this info? Would I have lashed out? Would I have rebelled? Would I be angry at the world becuz my BIOLOGICAL father wasn't around? Or would I have accepted it? Would I have been ridiculed becuz of this?

You see your parents kept you from having to ask these questions. They had your best interest at heart. They didn't want you second guessing who you are becuz your biological father didn't want anything to do with you. You WOULD NOT be the same person you are today had they told you sooner. It would have changed you. The question is....Would it have been for the better or worse? Thanx to your parents you won't have to worry about that. They wanted you to grow up feeling safe and secure. They wanted you to have a REAL family. They had to think that you knowing would have jeopordized that. You have every right to be angry. But don't look at it as a betrayal of any sort. They gave you and are still giving you the one thing all of us want. A family that loves, supports and cherishes you no matter what. And would do anything to protect you.

It doesn't matter that you and your father are not blood related. You know that he loves you just you are his own. He signed your birth certificate when you were born. That is a great man. He took you and your mother on when he didn't have to. He never treated you different compared to your sisters. He loved you so much that you never picked up that you could not have been his. And that my friend is why you will come to terms with this and become a stronger woman becuz of this. Do worry you will be fine. But always remember.....Your parents gave you the best gift they could possibly have given you....A chance to have a normal childhood and a normal family. If you ever need to vent please feel free to e-mail anytime!!!! Good Luck sweetie.

Answer 3

Do you care for someone that you don't know and have left you and your mom for 21 year or the person that raise you for 21 year and willing to care for your mother in time of need? You were happy with him "your stepfather" all this year. Does that going to change? Yes and no. Just be yourself and crying is okay to. Don't worry about that.
Being angry is okay too. But be sure you know what you are angry at. The so call father that left you, the mother that found a good family to raise you in, or the stepfather that loved you as if you were his? Maybe it is wrong in hiding this from you all this year, but think about it, if you are in your mom shoe what will you do?
if you are pregant now and you fight over having this kid with your parnet, you run away from home and live with your bf. He said it is to much and kick you out of the house. What do you do? Cry more and feel more hopeless? Now a guy that liked you for year comes up and say he love you and will care for you. You agree to stay with him cause you have no where else to go. Than you fall in love with him and the baby is born. Who' name are you going to put on the birth certificate??

Answer 4

Your father is the man who loved you and raised you. The sperm donor is just a biological issue. It would be good for medical reasons to know who your birth father is, but I don't see much other reason for knowing. Just remember that your parents are human beings, prone to making mistakes. It wasn't something they kept from you because they wanted to hurt you. They just didn't know how else to tell you without you feeling like you belonged "less" in the family. Now you are an adult and you should be able to look back and see that you never knew because you were always treated the same as your siblings. If you have never had any problems with your parents except for this then I think you should find it in your heart to forgive them. Look at the positive side -- you were raised by a father who chose to be your dad. That means he must love you a great deal. What is there to be angry about when you think of it that way?

Answer 5

What type of help are you looking for? Sperm doesn't make a man your father. The man who loved and cared for you these last 21 years IS your father. Aside from maybe some medical history nothing else matters. You are crushing him by not accepting that he is your father. He never made you feel like you weren't his or treated you any differently then your sisters right? Surely you don't feel any less a part of your family do you? They never betrayed you because in his heart you are his daughter and the mere fact that your mother got pregnant from someone else is beside the point. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be thankful your Mother found such a great guy to love her and you. Not all kids are as lucky as you are.

Answer 6

Honey, you have an awesome Dad....He married your mom and signed the Birth Certificate full knowing that your mom was pregnant. That is true love and a true meaning of what a man should be. I know you feel lied to and you must have a million questions. You need time to sort them out and you have every right to feel this way. When you have had some time to calm down, you need to look at it from your parents view. I don't think they did this to hurt you. They did what they thought was right. Maybe not the ideal answer, but what they thought was protecting you from someone who abandoned you. Did you have a good and loving childhood? If you did, please know that your parents love you and when you are emotionally ready, maybe you can find your "biological" father and get some closure. Remember, anyone can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a DADDY!!!!!

Answer 7

First of all your 21.Try to put your self in your parents shoes.All they seem to have done wrong was to protect you.That would be a tough one for anyone to have to deal with.They just waited until you were old enough to soak it all in.Give it some time.Know this your parents must love you an awful lot to protect you so.you can't be angry at love,be angry at a man who left your mother and you.But even at that,your biological father might be having an awful void knowing about you and making a mistake by leaving you.Seems to me after your shock has worn down a bit,that the only hard thing is .........Do you want to find your biological father.But please when you see the man that loves you so much to be your father when he's not,give him a hug and tell him how much you appreciate what he has done for you.Hang in there sweety you are not alone.

Answer 8

You could have just written MY story. I went through the same thing when I turned 21. I was hurt and angry and could not understand why it was that they felt they had to lie to me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 and even with all the custody and child support issues it was never brought up. My step dad and mom married when I was 7 and still they didn't tell me.

As hurt as you are - think of it this way. You could have went through life wondering why your father didn't want you - but instead you went through the tough teen years knowing that you had a daddy who loved you. Now you are a grown woman and you can be sure in the knowledge that your dad was a dad because he wanted to be not because he felt he had to be because of a 'mistake'.

As for the anonymous 'sperm donor' (I refuse to think of a man who ditched a pregnant woman as a father) -- don't go out of your way to find him until you are sure that is what you want to do. He may or may not have a family now and if he does they probably don't know you exist. Showing up in his life now may not be what is best for anyone.

Feel blessed that you have a father who chose you. Not everyone is as lucky as we are. Try not to let your anger ruin your relationship with your mother either - she really was doing what she thought was best.

Answer 9

It's not the same thing, obviously, but after my father died, my brothers and I were found by our brother. Full brother. One we'd never heard of.

Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, he'd been given away for adoption at birth. Our mother and father had never once mentioned anything about it.

Needless to say, this was disconcerting news. Learning that your family isn't quite what you'd thought is a scary and disorienting thing, and it takes a while to figure out what to do with that knowledge.

I worked through things pretty quickly on my own, but one of my brothers found it helped him to talk to a counsellor about it. You may find it helps you, too.

Most of all, you need to find a way to forgive your parents. Your father may not be your biological father, but try to remember that he not only stood by your mother when a lot of men would have cut and run, but has never once made you feel you were anything less than his daughter.

Should they have lied all these years? No, they shouldn't...but I can see so easily why they did. They wanted you to be secure, they wanted to protect you, and they were scared of just this sort of reaction.

Do what you need to do in order to understand and forgive them. Don't let resentment rule your life. Even good people make mistakes, even when honestly trying to do the right thing.

Get some counselling to help you find your way through the maze of emotions, and try not to shut your parents out over this. The love you and are doing their best for you.

And remember, you're still who you were before you learned the truth. That doesn't change.

Answer 10

When it comes down to it, blood just isn’t that important. If I had to choose to either claim my biological mother, or my Stepmother, my stepmom would win hands down. Think of the other guy as the donor of the genetic material used to create you, and nothing more…a donor. The man who has stood by you all your life is your real father, whatever a DNA test would say. You have every right to be upset that they didn’t tell you before now, but stop and think about it. This man adopted you as his child, he’s raised you as his own, and legally you are his. When would you have preferred to be told? At what point would this information have been useful? They did what they thought was right as they always have. They did what they thought was in your best interests. Keep in mind the moral fortitude it took this man to take another man’s child as his own. Don’t let the lack of genetic bond make you love him any less…