If your boyfriend has an obvious crush on a woman?

Question

and you all are out together and he talks to her most of the time ignoring you and you can't leave the scene, how should you conduct yourself in their presence without seeming to be jealous?

Answer 1

Well, this is a painful situation, and I am very sorry you are experiancing it. However, just storming off in anger, or dumping him right off, as so many seem to be suggesting here, would be a very immature way to behave.

I don't know how deep this relationship is. Do the two of you live together or do you live in seperate homes and see each other when you can? How deep the relationship is does matter. It doesn't change the fact that his behavior is rude crass, insulting and demeaning. I agree with all whom say you should talk with him. The question is when and where.

You are obviously out in a public setting or at somebody elses home. It would be crass of you to start a fight with anyone in a public setting. If you did this you would be adding insult to injury by harming yourself. That is unaccpetable. He is hurting you enough without you making at best a fool of yourself in public and at worse being viewed as low class because you caused a scene in public.

If you really can't get away from the situation, you will need to tough it out until you can leave and find a private moment and place to discuss this with him. When you do find a private place, make sure you behave in a fashion which gives him no amunition against you. What I mean is do not yell or scream or call him names or try to put him down in any way. If you discuss this using " I " sentences you will achieve much more.

Own how you feel, tell him how you feel when he flirts with other women in front of you. It is difficult to be open and honest with our feelings because it makes us vulnerable. It is so much easier to storm off or yell, scream, and condeme than to calmly discuss our emotions and feelings. We are openning ourselves to rejection.

However, when you do it this way it is also very powerfull. It keeps your dignity intact while exposing him for who he is. If he shows little concern for your emotions and feelings or gives an excuse then you will know if this is the type of man you wish to have a relationship with. If you give him power by yelling, screaming, calling him names, he will be able to use that against you and cloud the issue. He can say you are behaving as badly as he is and that it makes you both equal. This is unaccpetalbe.

By simply and forthrightly telling him how you feel, how hurt and embarressed you feel, how you feel direspected and humiliated, this owns your emotions without attacking him. When you don't attack a man he had little ammunition to use against you to remove the focus from his behaviors and put it onto yours. It also stops all communication and will reduce the impact of your experiance and feelings. It will allow him to avoid responsibility.

Depending upon your level of attachment to this man, you could say something like, "I feel so hurt by your lack of attention", "I feel unimportant to you because you spent so much time with another woman", I feel threatened by how much time you spent with her", I am deeply hurt because you didn't give me hardly any attention while we were out". I love you and don't wish to own you but I also am hurt by your lack of attention during our outing". "I am upset because you were attentive to another woman", etc, however you truly feel, put an " I " statement in which stops it from being an outright accusation against him, nor is a personal attack.

Be pepared for him to take what you are saying and twist them around back towards you. Such as "Why are you attacking me, I didn't do anything wrong!", "What is wrong with talking with another woman?", "You are so jealous! I was simply having a conversation and you are accusing me of treating you badly!", or any words which are a personal attack onto you, which can result in your attempting to defend yourself, which twists it back to you and takes the focus off of him.

If he does this you need to consider if you wish to be with a man who cares so little about your emotions and is willing to treat you poorly. If you wish to be with a man who will never really listen to you or allow you your own emotions. A man who cares so little about you that he would rather attack you than allow you to speak your truth.

However, if he responds in a calm manner, or even if he is emotionally upset, but responds with statements like, " I am sorry sweetheart, I didn't realize I was doing that.", "I am so sorry I hurt you, I behaved badly and there isn't any excuse andn I won't do that again", "I am glad you are telling me how you feel, but I didn't mean to hurt you", or "I feel like I must walk on egg shells whenever we are out because you will take any converstaion I have with another woman as flirting, or lack of attention to you", or, "I love you but feel like I can't do anything right", or "I am sorry you feel this way, I never intended to hurt you, and I will really take into consideration your lack of confidence in our relationship", or any number of statements which attempt to delve into what is wrong without attacking you or turning your words back onto you.

Now, please do not think I believe any of his responses are accurate to your situation. I do not know your relationship or if you have a lack of self confidence, or tend towards unfounded jealousy, or any number of personal situations which could have led to a missunderstanding between the two of you.

All I am saying is that if he approaches you in a loving manner which allows your emotions then you have a good man. Any man who is willing to hear you out, who will discuss things rationally is somebody worth keeping and continue to work on issues in the relatinship. Each of us takes baggage into every relationship we enter. We sometimes are so close to the situation that we can't see the trees for the forest. In other words we sometimes fail to see what is right in front of our faces. If a man is willing to talk with you about your feelings, emotions and experinaces then he is worth keeping.

So, I advice you to simply get through the evening. Think about what type of relationship you have, if you think he will be responsive to an open and honest discussionn of feelings about what occured. Does he treat you well more times than not? Does he show you he loves you in many small ways? Does he treat you with respect? Does he honor you and wish your happiness? Does he communicate with you? Do you communicate with him? Do you treat him with respect? Do you allow for an open and honest discussion of issues in the relationship? Or do you get defensive and shut down? Do you have a past hurt that hasn't healed yet, such as a man who cheated on you? What sort of baggage do you each bring to the relationship, and how healed are these wounds?

All of these things have a impact upon a relationship. As long as two people can achieve open and honest communication in which both feel heard and respected then the relationship is good, even if there is a lot of unhealed baggage. Often two people can help each other heal. Usually it is best to allow ourselves to heal from one relationship before we enter another, this is just not the case very often. We seem to rush from relationship to relationship and it can have disasterous affects. If you both can discuss your feelings and experiances openly wihtout fear of attack then you can make it work.

However, if one or both of you have serious communication issues, trust issues and tend to attack instead of talk, then it is not a healthy relationship. People are constantly saying that it takes two to make and break a relationship. This is not true.

It is true it takes two to make a relationship, however, it takes only one to break a relationship. If a spouse refuses to work on the issues, refuses to listen or talk, or communicate, who is abusive or cheats or any number of negitive behaviors, then the other who is able to communicate, who tries to work on the issues, is open to healthy disucssion, that one person can't make the relationship work all alone. So, while it is often two who break a relationship, it is not always so. One can break it all by him/herself.

I strongly reccomend your sticking out the situation and then discuss it when you are private. I also strongly reccomend you take an evaluation of what you want in a relationship and what you will tolerate. Don't allow yourself to be abused, or treated with disrespect. If you enjoy abuse, that is another story. Some people enjoy being dominated, or having less power than their partner. If it works for them and nobody is being harmed, such as children, then there isn't anything wrong with it. What works for one, won't for another.

So, take invetory of what you wish in a relationship, what you will tolerate and what you won't. Then stick to those needs and honor yourself in obtaining them. If this man refuses to discuss this issue in a manner which you feel resolves it, or refuses to work on changing this behavior, then dump him and find one who will treat you as you deserve. We teach others how to treat us, by how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. If others see we do not honor ourselves or respect ourselves, nobody else will either. However, if we respect and honor ourselves and refuse to be emotionally or physically abused, others will see this and behave accordenly.

i wish you all the success and happiness in your relationship you deserve. I hope you will take this as it is inteneded, as an assistance and not as any type of put down or insult. I do not mean to insult or put down in any way shape or form. Sorry to go on so long too! lol

Answer 2

Having an innocent crush is perfectly normal in a relationship. The question is whether he pushes the limit or not. Blatantly ignoring while this girl around is really rude. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. There really is no harm in a little flirting as long as NO LINES ARE CROSSED. After all, you're just both in a relationship, you're not DEAD lol. I'm sure you notice attractive men here and there. It's natural.

However, like I said, it's rude of him to ignore you entirely with ANYONE, not just a girl he has a crush on.

Tell him you don't appreciate being tossed aside when you're sitting right there next to him. If he's going to do that, then he might as well not invite you places so you can go and have fun with your own friends who won't ignore you.

Answer 3

Well, I've been in the situation before, and it is important to remain cool (at least on the outside) to avoid a potentially embarrassing scene. You just have to be confident enough to get right in on their conversation and put your arm around your man and get close to him so the other woman knows that he is YOURS. If your boyfriend continues to ignore you and is really wrapped up in this other woman, then the two of you should discuss his intentions in private. Does he want to cheat? Do you trust him? Do you have a strong enough relationship that you KNOW this will pass?
To take the devil's advocate - maybe what seems like a "crush" to you is just a blossoming friendship between him and this woman. Men and women CAN be friends without sexual desire. If he didn't want to be with you, he probably wouldn't be...

Answer 4

If you're "THE GIRL-FRIEND", then why not be Jealous? Does he know that you're his girl-friend and he's your boy-friend? Did the both of you make that a known and agreed upon fact? If so, then you have every right to be Jealous. When out with the twp of them, Pull your boyfriend close to you and even kiss him and then ask the question to BOTH OF THEM, "Am I in the way of something". Especially to the other girl and see what her reaction will be. If there is something going on with them, rather or not he told her to keep it under wraps...on the "down low"...I bet those words and actions will get a rise out of her and possibly him as well! And then if you don't get the answer you want, Leave that ALONE and go get with someone that cares and respects you. Now on the otherhand, if tehy tell you it's all good and they're only friends and you believe that, I say just keep doing what you've been doing and feeling the way you have. I BET I know which one you'll choose! Pretty Girl needs to feel and be treated Pretty. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Well, have you asked your boyfriend about this other woman? Because he could be just a VERY friendly guy or they could be very close friends. But your right, he SHOULD NOT be paying more attention to her than he does you, i Mean YOU are his girlfriend NOT her. And you can calmly ask you man about this without seeming too jealous. And if he does have a crush on this woman, then either you make sure that he forgets about her or you might want to move on and find a man who is ALL about you.

Answer 6

First of all, I wouldn't consider him my boyfriend anymore. I would just go on with the date as if it isn't affecting me at all, as hard as that is, and then afterwards, talk to him about it and break-up with him! You call it a crush, but if he is willing to ignore you to talk to another woman and not notice the signs that you are uncomfortable, then he's not boyfriend material. It's like the producer of Sex and the City said "He's Just Not That Into You". Alot of us women don't want to admit it, but he gave you the sign.

Answer 7

i know hes your boyfriend, but try not to show your jealousy. most men/boys want whats not easily accessible to them. he feels like he already has you and now hes looking around. you could start by not being so accessible to him. let him miss you a little and if hes flirting right in your face with someone else act like you could care less.he just may rethink that flirting. hope this helps, good luck

Answer 8

Why cant you leave the scene? I would and I would tell him to go to hell and that you never wanted to see him or speak to him again or you could act really sweet and tell him you needed to speak with him out side and than tell him he better straighten up or you are leaving and he will never hear from you again.

Answer 9

Maybe when he calls you, u should start talking about all about this "new guy" u met today. Then start talking about how cute and sweet he was, and then tell him things that "the new guy" does that ur bf doesn't. (if my gf that would make me really mad and jealous). And when ur bf starts getting jealous or mad, just say ur jking and tell him that thats how u feel when he talks about his crush.

Answer 10

Tell him that you need to talk to him in private, or ask him to help you find/get something from the car or something. When you're alone, confront him. He needs to know what he's doing if he's not doing it on purpose, and he needs to stop if he is.

Answer 11

I have a crush on Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake and my bf does not care. He has a crush on Jessica Alba and Im jus t like whatever